Ways to ensure technology doesn’t destroy your relationship

When you gaze into your partner’s eyes on Valentine’s Day, will they be lit by the warm glow of a candle or the artificial light of a smartphone screen?

While technology has made meeting potential partners and communicating with loved ones easier, mobile gadgets and social networks can distract and cause rifts, especially for high-tech workers who feel the need to be constantly connected to their jobs to ensure everyone else doesn’t lose their favorite service.

“Technology can certainly lead to a lot of distractions, especially in Silicon Valley,” said Amy Andersen, founder and CEO of Linx Dating, a Menlo Park matchmaking service with many clients in the high-tech sector.

The key to avoiding such problems, experts say, is open communication between couples, with special focus on areas that could cause tension. To foster that communication, we developed four rules that couples can follow or at least discuss to keep gadgets and online profiles from interfering with a special relationship.

“The real key is being able to have the conversation and, even if you feel differently about how you use technology, working it through just like you would work through any other conflict,” said Santa Clara couples and marriage therapist Sheila Kreifels, who counsels clients to establish boundaries for technology.

Consider these rules for beginning to establish those boundaries, even though Kreifels acknowledges, “It’s a tough conversation for many couples.”

1. Ask before you tag

Social media has become one of the biggest danger zones for prospective paramours, with many couples’ first major discussion about a committed relationship centered on changing their Facebook relationship status.

“In the last few years, different media platforms on the Internet built up different cultures,” noted Robert Weiss, a licensed clinical social worker who has written books on technology’s effect on relationships.

Potential issues with social media are rife through the life of a relationship, including differing opinions on posting pictures of children or each other, as anyone who has posted an unflattering picture of a partner can tell you. The rule to avoid these issues is to ALWAYS seek permission before involving a loved one in your social media post.

“Consider photos and information people’s intellectual property, if you will,” Kreifels says. “Just like we need permission to use intellectual property, get permission.”

1. Establish time without technology

Even if you and your partner are not experiencing issues with technology in your relationship, establishing regular times to put the gadgets away can be beneficial, especially on early dates.

“I tell people, before a date, leave your phone in the car,” said Andersen, the matchmaker. “You can focus on that one person for an hour and then check your phone — not a big deal.”

These tech-free times can be daily — no phones at the dinner table or no tablets in bed, for example — or less frequent, with Andersen noting that many of her friends promise to leave their phones at home on weekly or monthly “date nights” with their spouses.

The most important component of this rule is undivided attention. Kreifels advises her clients to make sure they build in 30 minutes of face-to-face dialogue daily, even if that time is broken up into smaller chunks.

“Truly, nothing really replaces that kind of emotional presence for a relationship, for intimacy to take hold and develop,” she said.

1. End the thread before it becomes a fight

The biggest change technology has wrought on relationships is the advancement of text-based communications systems. While an occasional love letter and quick notes were typically the only written communication between couples for generations, now we use instant messaging, text messaging and emails daily.

With text-based communications, however, context is largely absent, which can lead to innocuous comments inflaming a situation and messages that never fade.

“Haven’t we all said things that we really regretted?” Weiss asked. “Well, it’s one thing to say something and then five hours later take it back or apologize, but if its in black and white, it’s a lot harder — that person can read it and read it and read it.”

To avoid these issues, always pick up the phone or get together in person when a conversation takes a bad turn.

“If you’re upset with somebody, put it in a phone call,” Weiss suggests.

Angry messages may not even be enough to signal time for a real conversation, as many people can mask anger or hurt feelings with curt messages.

“In person, you can see all those important cues and come to conclusions a lot quicker than in three hours battling it out over email,” Andersen noted.

1. Don’t share passwords

In a long relationship, it can happen so easily — one person needs another’s smartphone passcode to grab a number, or email password to look something up. But having that information can open a Pandora’s box.

“It’s great as long as you trust your partner, but as soon as they’ve shown you that they’re cruising hookers on Tinder — once you have that information, all bets are off,” Weiss said.

Most communications that could cause strife are not as clear-cut as Weiss’ example, however. Even the most bland text or email conversations can be taken the wrong way from the view of a third party, the experts pointed out, and online habits one person may find completely normal could be offensive to others.

While communication can help establish parameters that both members can agree upon, it’s probably better to just avoid the temptation to snoop that sharing of passwords can create. People should be understanding if partners — at any stage in the relationship — are reluctant to pass along passwords, the experts said, and all said they share few, if any, passwords with their own spouses.

“I would never give my personal information about my cellphone to my wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend — that’s my business,” Weiss said. “If they trust me, they trust me.”

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The only ‘Secret’ to a happy relationship

Relationships. They’re a source of endless joy and angst. We might be deliriously happy for a while, but then the gloss wears off and we’re stuck with reality. Most people get into relationships expecting they’ll feel better about themselves and their lives when they have someone to love them. We will meet the man or woman of our dreams and they will fulfil us, be our everything and we’ll both be deliriously happy for ever.

When that’s not the case, what do we do? Often, we blame the other person. The thinking might go like this: I don’t feel fantastic anymore, so it must be the other person’s fault: they’re not good enough, good-looking enough, rich enough, smart enough. A solution? Move on. The next relationship will bring all the things I need. And many people chase the high that new “love” brings.

Another solution might be to stay in that relationship because, very conveniently, we now have someone else to blame for everything we don’t like about our lives. If it wasn’t for them and all their flaws, our life would be wonderful. Love promised a perfect life, but I still don’t have enough money and have no friends. Life didn’t deliver. It’s all their fault. How convenient not to have to look at our own stuff and stuff-ups. Those arguing, bickering, bitter couples are all locked into the blame game. Are we too afraid to say “What’s my part in this? Why do I feel so unhappy? What can I do to change this?”

Being in a relationship that works means asking all those questions of yourself and then doing something about them. A something that doesn’t involve running away, getting divorced and making all the same mistakes in your next relationship. In short: Own your own crap. If something annoys you in your relationship, look at your part in it. Then look at why it annoys you. It’s your responsibility. It’s so easy to blame everyone else for everything. I know, I spent most of my life doing it.

My husband called me on it early on in our relationship. I hated him for it at the time, because it meant I really had to look at why I always played the victim. Sometimes I want to be weak and helpless and have someone else to blame for everything that’s wrong in my life. But if that’s true, where does it leave me? What can I learn or improve from that position of helplessness? Playing the victim may feel easy at the time, but it’s a cop-out. In the long term, it kept me stuck and miserable.

Now when I feel bad and I want to blame him, I have the tools to turn it around, knowing and really understanding that I am responsible for my own misery and my own happiness. I take him out of the equation and own my own crap. He can’t do anything about my crap and I can’t do anything about his, but to the best of our ability we don’t dump it on each other. That, my friend, is the one big not-so-secret secret of a happy relationship. Own your own crap. And do something about it so you don’t feel crappy.

There is one proviso: If he or she ever physical assaults you, even a “small” hit, that is not your crap. That is not your fault. That is definitely their crap. And grounds for divorce.

Mary-Lou Stephens
Huffington

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Relationship LIES that you enjoy hearing

Isn’t it amazing how long bad relationship advice can float around before someone shoots it down? Many axioms sound right, only to fall apart when you give them a little thought, because you enjoy them.

Which “sticky” rules are the worst offenders? I have five in mind that I would love to strike from every relationship book ever published, or from the confidential counsel of every “expert” who ever practiced.

1. Never go to bed mad
What, you’re going to stay up arguing all night? Plus who ever said it’s a good idea to discuss a sensitive issue when your heart is pounding and smoke is pouring from your ears? However driven you may feel to resolve an upsetting conversation and set everything right, you are almost bound to make things worse if you try to talk things through in an emotionally volatile state. Research by the Gottman Institute shows that most people need much longer to calm down than they think they do.

Human emotions can resemble a fire that hasn’t been thoroughly extinguished: Add some fuel to seemingly dying embers and you can wind up with a raging inferno. Best approach? Make an appointment to discuss the matter 24 hours later. You will be infinitely more composed, articulate and logical. (You may even wonder where all that heat came from in the first place!)

2. People don’t change. Oh, yes, they do!
They may not do it at the exact moment you want them to, but people can — and do — evolve in amazing ways over a lifetime: They stop gambling. (Or smoking. Or drinking.) They learn to control their anger. They figure out a way to show gratitude, sensitivity or sensibility.

The problem with believing that people don’t change is that it allows you to ignore the tremendous potential in even a longtime partner: Some people change after learning to say, “I’m sorry.” Others change in the wake of stopping, or being forced to stop, a dangerous habit or behavior. Still others go into therapy and emerge from the experience virtually a different person.

Our 50s aren’t like our 20s; in many cases they are better! We can revamp not only our actions but also our values, so please don’t hide behind this myth. (And don’t let your partner, either!)

3. Sex loses importance as we age
I have a policy of never begging, but in this case I beg to differ!

One of the (many) reasons sex remains important throughout our lives is that it is the source of key bonding and love hormones, such as oxytocin and dopamine. Sex connects, soothes and delights — and you needn’t strive to restage the sexual gymnastics of your 20s and 30s in order to enjoy a fulfilling sex life in your 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.

Indeed, intercourse itself may not be required! Partners can please each other with their hands, mouths or simply intertwined bodies cuddling late into the night. So even though a bad patch in the relationship can wound your sexual appetite, don’t let it kill it off entirely; loss of sexual desire is neither an inconsequential nor an inevitable part of aging.

4. Men are less romantic than women
You’re right that men aren’t as romantic as women — they’re more romantic!

Scads of research tells us that men say “I love you” to women more than they hear it from them in return. They also give more compliments. Not only that, but husbands are more likely to feel romantically deprived than wives are. And whereas men may be less talented than women when it comes to picking out a romantic gift, they are more likely to give one than to get one!

So … do you really need to hear more than “Men don’t get enough emotional strokes” to know what to do next? Misleading gender stereotypes aside, couples simply cannot overdo saying sweet nothings to each other, taking getaways or enjoying candlelit dinners that lead to candlelit baths. In short, more romance, please — of both the his and hers varieties!

5. Once you cross the infidelity line, you can’t go back
Another baseless myth. Many couples weather hurtful trespasses in the course of a long life together but still manage to recover, reconcile and soldier on.

I know it’s difficult (and may strike the wronged party as downright unfair), but partners must be willing to do the hard work of facing their feelings and determining what role, if any, each one played in a conflict, or in an instance of unfaithfulness. For the “betrayee,” typically this demands that you table your disgust — or revenge lust — long enough to understand precisely what devils your partner is wrestling with, or fleeing.

Given the trust equity the two of you have previously built up in your union, however, there is always the possibility that you will emerge stronger as a couple from an episode of infidelity. Hurtful though it may be, a betrayal can eventually fade into the background if the person who broke the rules deeply regrets it — and if the couple searches for, and finds, a new and better way to love each other and protect their marriage.

You are free to disagree with me on any of these, just make sure you are leaving your comment and setting me straight. Lol.

Relationship mistakes my daughter must not make

An open letter to my young daughter,

Hey dearie,  It’s your mother here. You know how great I think you are, and how much I love you. You know I admire what an incredible mind you have, and how funny you are, and that I think you’re beautiful. You are now at (gulp) puberty, and it will be time for you to start falling in love (if you haven’t started)

Relationships are a tricky thing, and getting into them can be scary if you don’t have any guidance. Lucky for you, I’ve made plenty of relationship mistakes in my life that we both can learn from.

1. Don’t be embarrassed if you like someone and they don’t like you back.

When you hit middle school or high school, and you start to have crushes on people, don’t worry about trying to hide your feelings or wonder if you’re cool enough to like the person you like. If you like someone, it’s OK to show it. Having warm feelings for someone is a gift, one that is meant to be offered to the person you have the feelings for. If it turns out that they don’t feel the same way, that’s OK. Hopefully they’ll express that kindly, but even if they’re jerks about it, don’t take it personally. There’s nothing wrong with sharing a little bit of your heart’s love with somebody. If they don’t like you back, someone will. Don’t take that kind of rejection as a sign that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not good enough. Just view it as a simple compatibility issue and move on with grace.

2. Don’t lose your virginity too soon (or for the wrong reasons).

Having sex with the right partner at the right time for the right reasons is a wonderfully positive, fun experience. However, there isn’t a human being alive who hasn’t had at least one negative sexual experience, and that’s because sex is a very intimate act people engage in while highly vulnerable. It’s a delicate thing. So before you decide you want to go all the way with someone, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, and that you feel truly ready (by ready, I mean waiting till your wedding). You might be ready to have sex if you feel safe, secure and loved in a relationship, if you’re physically and emotionally mature enough to understand how sex deepens the bonds between people and therefore changes the relationship, and if you know your partner feels the same way. Some of the wrong reasons to have sex include wanting to be cool, feeling lonely and needing affection, feeling a need to lash out or rebel, or just wanting to lose your virginity before “it’s too late.” It’s never too late! Watch “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” and you’ll see what I mean.

3. Don’t make finding a romantic partner the primary focus of your young life.

Know this now: love will find you. Because it is already within you. So you don’t have to worry about finding someone to spend the rest of your life with when you’re just a teenager. There will always be love in and around and throughout your life, so allow it to buzz about you, and grab it when the time is right. Don’t try to chase it or catch it. Focus on your gifts and how you want to share them with the world, and trust that all of your relationships will unfold as they should over time. You will meet all the people you need to meet out in the world by simply living your life. (But I mean try online dating if you feel like it. Just don’t use Tinder to hookup. Or do. But then remember what my dad always used to say: “If you can’t behave, be safe!”)

4. Don’t get married too young.

People live such long lives now. And since you plan on adopting instead of having children of your own (though that may change), there’s no rush for you to get married and have babies. Even if you decide you do want to have a child of your own, you have well into your 30s to do so without worry, so you don’t have to get married right out of college. (But you do have to go to college. How else are you going to become an engineer/fashion designer?!) Take your time and realize that if you get married, you’re participating in a serious legal agreement … that is very expensive and sometimes difficult to get out of, not to mention terribly painful to end. Try to be as sure as anyone can that you’re entering a partnership that will last. That kind of assuredness comes from the ability to clearly examine things, which is developed with age and experience.

5. Don’t try to fix someone.

There’s a fairly common expression that says, “People don’t change.” That’s not entirely true. People can change. And some people do. But many people don’t. Furthermore, no one changes because someone else is trying to change them. People can only change themselves. If you’re with someone you feel a need to “fix,” that’s a sign that you should get out of the relationship in the hopes of finding someone you like just the way they are. (It’s also a sign of co-dependence, but let’s hope you won’t have problems with that, Miss Independent!)

6. Don’t stay in a relationship because you’re scared to be alone (or worried that you can’t take care of yourself).

No unhappy relationship is worth staying in. Period. Ever. Never be afraid to leave a relationship because you think you’ll be even more unhappy by yourself or that you won’t be able to make it in life without someone to take care of you. It’s not true. You have the power of the whole universe inside of you. You are just fine and you always will be. You have everything you need.

7. Don’t rationalize away or ignore bad or toxic behavior.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, and they’re hurting you, get out. You know the rule: relationships (romantic, familial and platonic) are supposed to add to your life and make you feel good. They are not supposed to be stressful or make you feel bad about yourself. Ideally, a relationship should be good 70% of the time, maybe even more. If it’s not good more than 50% of the time, run. Run as far away and as fast as you can. If it’s hovering somewhere in the 60% enjoyable range, try to work on it, but if it doesn’t improve, say goodbye. Emotional abuse or manipulation leads to feeling confused and not being able to trust yourself. Never stop trusting yourself. If you lose the way in a relationship and can’t find your own voice anymore, talk to your friends and let them help you find yourself. Pain is not love, love is not pain. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

8. Don’t stay with someone longer than you should.

If you know it’s time to end a relationship but you find yourself making excuses (remember: it’s always almost a holiday all year long), tell yourself to snap out of it. Don’t waste time being unhappy. It doesn’t serve you or the person you’re with.

9. Don’t forget that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.

RuPaul said it best: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” You know the difference between selfishness and self-love. Don’t ever stop taking care of and loving yourself. Once, when you were 6, you made a drawing that said, “Love Yourself Every Day.” I hope you’ll still feel that way when you’re 66! And 86! And 106.

10. Don’t give up on love.

It’s easy to think that as we age, and relationships keep ending, that romantic love is an impossible ideal and that the only real hope is to dive into bitterness and close your heart up forever. But it’s not true. I feel like I understand more about love now than I ever have, and I hope I can keep learning. I can’t wait to watch you learn, too.

I love you!

Kim Kardashian reveals secret to happy marriage with Kanye

Married couples don’t get much cuter than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and their relationship is one that grew from a deep friendship. Now Kim has revealed just what it is that keeps her and her boo together and coming back for more.

The Keeping Up With The Kardashians star was just good friends with her now hubby and father of her daughter North for a good ten years before they became an item – and she reckons that’s part of the reason why they are so smitten with one another.

Speaking in a new interview with Vogue Australia, Kim – who also stars on the cover – opens up about their close bond and why she couldn’t see her life without Kanye in it because he has always been there for her even when they weren’t at the stage in their lives where they were romantically involved.

She said: “He always has been such a good support throughout my life. I think we met 10 years ago and at different points we connected and got closer. We were always communicating, even if we were on different paths in our lives. We could always fill each other in on what was going on and always support each other. I think that created a good foundation for our relationship.”

She also thinks that communication and having fun together is another key element in how loved up she and Kanye are as they plan their future together. Kim, 33, continued: “We are absolute best friends; we know every last thing about each other. We know our goals are to make each other’s lives really happy, and I think we know how to do that. We have good communication, and I think that’s so important in a relationship, and we have so much fun together. We laugh together.”

Who else envies this couple?