Sometimes you are inspired to break from the norm and express yourself in a different way, especially when it concerns the one you love.
I have dug deep for you and this is my token of love to you. Feel free to use any of these languages to tell that special someone how much you love them.
You want to add more languages to this? Why not!
Let’s play a quick game. Close your eyes and tell me you love me in a language other than English, French and Spanish. Leggo!!!
St. Valentine’s Day is the world’s “holiday of love.” Since the Bible states that God is love (I John 4:8, 16), does He approve of the celebration of this day? Does He want His people—true Christians—partaking of the candy and cards, or any customs associated with this day?
This is a view, you have the right to share yours without abusing the writer’s view.
When God says He wants you to live life abundantly, does that include celebrating a festive, seemingly harmless holiday like Valentine’s Day? The God who gives us everything—life, food, drink, the ability to think for ourselves, etc.—surely approves of St. Valentine’s Day, the holiday for lovers to exchange gifts—right?
Like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, New Year’s and other holidays of this world, St. Valentine’s Day is another attempt to “whitewash” perverted customs and observances of pagan gods and idols by “Christianizing” them.
As innocent and harmless as St. Valentine’s Day may appear, its traditions and customs originate from two of the most sexually perverted pagan festivals of ancient history: Lupercalia and the feast day of Juno Februata.
Celebrated on February 15, Lupercalia (known as the “festival of sexual license”) was held by the ancient Romans in honor of Lupercus, god of fertility and husbandry, protector of herds and crops, and a mighty hunter—especially of wolves. The Romans believed that Lupercus would protect Rome from roving bands of wolves, which devoured livestock and people.
Assisted by Vestal Virgins, the Luperci (male priests) conducted purification rites by sacrificing goats and a dog in the Lupercal cave on Palatine Hill, where the Romans believed the twins Romulus and Remus had been sheltered and nursed by a she-wolf before they eventually founded Rome. Clothed in loincloths made from sacrificed goats and smeared in their blood, the Luperci would run about Rome, striking women with februa, thongs made from skins of the sacrificed goats. The Luperci believed that the floggings purified women and guaranteed their fertility and ease of childbirth. February derives from februa or “means of purification.”
To the Romans, February was also sacred to Juno Februata, the goddess of febris (“fever”) of love, and of women and marriage. On February 14, billets (small pieces of paper, each of which had the name of a teen-aged girl written on it) were put into a container. Teen-aged boys would then choose one billet at random. The boy and the girl whose name was drawn would become a “couple,” joining in erotic games at feasts and parties celebrated throughout Rome. After the festival, they would remain sexual partners for the rest of the year. This custom was observed in the Roman Empire for centuries.
In A.D. 494, Pope Gelasius renamed the festival of Juno Februata as the “Feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary.” The date of its observance was later changed from February 14 to February 2, then changed back to the 14. It is also known as Candlemas, the Presentation of the Lord, the Purification of the Blessed Virgin and the Feast of the Presentation of Christ in the Temple.
After Constantine had made the Roman church’s brand of Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire (A.D. 325), church leaders wanted to do away with the pagan festivals of the people. Lupercalia was high on their list. But the Roman citizens thought otherwise.
It was not until A.D. 496 that the church at Rome was able to do anything about Lupercalia. Powerless to get rid of it, Pope Gelasius instead changed it from February 15 to the 14th and called it St. Valentine’s Day. It was named after one of that church’s saints, who, in A.D. 270, was executed by the emperor for his beliefs.
According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, “At least three different Saint Valentines, all of them martyrs, are mentioned in early martyrologies under the date of 14 February. One is described as a priest at Rome, another as bishop of Interamna (modern Terni), and these two seem both to have suffered in the second half of the third century and to have been buried on the Flaminian Way, but at different distances from the city…Of the third Saint Valentine, who suffered in Africa with a number of companions, nothing is further known.” Several biographies of different men named Valentine were merged into one “official” St. Valentine.
The church whitewashed Lupercalia even further. Instead of putting the names of girls into a box, the names of “saints” were drawn by both boys and girls. It was then each person’s duty to emulate the life of the saint whose name he or she had drawn. This was Rome’s vain attempt to “whitewash” a pagan observance by “Christianizing” it, which God has not given man the power or authority to do. Though the church at Rome had banned the sexual lottery, young men still practiced a much toned-down version, sending women whom they desired handwritten romantic messages containing St. Valentine’s name.
Over the centuries, St. Valentine’s Day cards became popular, especially by the late eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries. These cards were painted with pictures of Cupid and hearts, and meticulously decorated with lace, silk or flowers.
But who was the original Valentine? What does the name Valentine mean?
Valentine comes from the Latin Valentinus, which derives from valens—“to be strong, powerful, mighty.” The Bible describes a man with a similar title: “And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be amighty one in the earth. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord” (Gen. 10:8-9). He was said to have hunted with bow and arrow.
As mentioned, the Romans celebrated Lupercalia to honor the hunter god Lupercus. To the Greeks, from whom the Romans had copied most of their mythology, Lupercus was known as Pan, the god of light. The Phoenicians worshipped the same deity as Baal, the sun god. Baal was one of many names or titles for Nimrod, a mighty hunter, especially of wolves. He was also the founder and first lord of Babel (Gen. 10:10-12). Defying God, Nimrod was the originator of the Babylonian Mystery Religion, whose mythologies have been copied by the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans and a multitude of other ancient peoples. Under different names or titles—Pan, Lupercus, Saturn, Osiris—Nimrod is the strong man and hunter-warrior god of the ancients.
But what does the heart symbol have to do with a day honoring Nimrod/Valentine?
The title Baal means “lord” or “master,” and is mentioned throughout the Bible as the god of pagans. God warned His people not to worship or even tolerate the ways of Baal (Nimrod). In ancient Chaldean (the language of the Babylonians), bal, which is similar to Baal, meant, “heart.” This is where the Valentine heart symbol originated.
Now notice the name Cupid. It comes from the Latin verb cupere, meaning “to desire.” Cupid was the son of Venus, Roman goddess of beauty and love. Also known as Eros in ancient Greece, he was the son of Aphrodite. According to myth, he was responsible for impregnating numerous goddesses and mortals. Cupid was a child-like archer (remember, Nimrod was a skilled archer). Mythology describes Cupid as having both a cruel and happy personality. He would use his invisible arrows, tipped with gold, to strike unsuspecting men and women, causing them to fall madly in love. He did not do this for their benefit, but to drive them crazy with intense passion, to make their lives miserable, and to laugh at the results.
Many of the gods of the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Assyrians and others were modeled after one man—Nimrod.
But what does this have to do with us today? Why should we be concerned with what happened in the past?
Read what God commands His people concerning pagan customs and traditions: “Learn not the way of the heathen…For the customs of the people are vain” (Jer. 10:2-3). Also notice Christ’s words in Matthew 15:9: “…in vain they do worship Me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.”
Throughout the Bible, God describes “heathens” as those who worship things that He had created (animals, the sun, the moon, stars, trees, etc.), or man-made idols, or anything but the one true God. He calls such people and their practices pagan. True Christians understand that God hates any customs, practices and traditions that are rooted in paganism.
But just how serious is God about paganism?
When He rescued the twelve tribes of Israel from brutal slavery and led them out of Egypt, He commanded them, “After the doings of the land of Egypt, wherein you dwelt, shall you not do: and after the doings of the land of Canaan, where I bring you, shall you not do: neither shall you walk in their ordinances” (Lev. 18:3). God demanded the Israelites not to defile themselves with the pagan practices and customs of surrounding nations (vs. 24-29). “Therefore shall you keep Mine ordinance, that you commit not any one of these abominable customs, which were committed before you, and that you defile not yourselves therein: I am the Lord your God” (vs. 30).
God cursed Egypt—a nation of nature-worshippers—with ten plagues and freed Israel from slavery. He rescued Israel from Pharaoh’s army by parting the Red Sea and leading His people to safety. He fed the Israelites manna—special bread made by God—from heaven. He protected them from battle-tested Gentile armies, delivered them into the Promised Land and drove out their enemies.
How did Israel treat God in return? “Our fathers understood not Your wonders in Egypt; they remembered not the multitude of Your mercies; but provoked Him at the sea, even at the Red Sea…They soon forgot His works; they waited not for His counsel: But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tempted God in the desert…They made a calf in Horeb, and worshipped the molten image. Thus they changed their glory into the similitude of an ox that eats grass. They forgot God their Savior, which had done great things in Egypt; wondrous works in the land of Ham, and terrible things by the Red Sea…they despised the pleasant land, they believed not His word: But murmured in their tents, and hearkened not unto the voice of the Lord …They joined themselves also unto Baal-peor, and ate the sacrifices of the dead. Thus they provoked Him to anger with their intentions” (Psa. 106:7, 13-14, 19-22, 24-25, 28-29).
God explicitly commanded Israel to cast out and utterly destroy all nations that occupied the Promised Land (Canaan). Above all, His people were not to make political alliances with them or marry into their families (Deut. 7:1-3, 5, 16). “For they will turn away your sons from following Me, that they may serve other gods” (vs. 4).
But the Israelites thought they knew better than God. They decided to do things their own way. “They did not destroy the nations, concerning whom the Lord commanded them: But were mingled among the heathen, and learned their works. And they served their idols: which were a snare unto them. Yes, they sacrificed their sons and their daughters unto devils [demons], and shed innocent blood, even the blood of their sons and of their daughters, whom they sacrificed unto the idols of Canaan: and the land was polluted with blood. Thus were they defiled with their own works, and went a whoring with their own inventions” (Psa. 106:34-39).
To wake them up and get them back on track as the model nation He had originally intended, God gave Israel over to their enemies. Israel repented and cried out to God. God rescued them. With their bellies full and lives protected, the Israelites went back to pursuing other gods. God punished Israel again. Israel repented and cried out to God.
And so went the deliverance-idolatry-punishment-repentance cycle (vs. 40-46), until finally, God had no other choice but to divorce unfaithful Israel (Jer. 3:6-11).
He used the Assyrians, one of the most brutal warrior nations in history, to invade, conquer, enslave and relocate the entire northern kingdom of Israel (II Kings 17). Having “disappeared” from history, the modern-day descendants of those ten “lost” tribes are unaware of their true identity even to this day.
Later, God sent the southern kingdom of Judah (mainly the tribes of Judah, Benjamin and Levi) into Babylonian exile (II Kings 24 and 25). Because they kept (at least physically) the true Sabbath, which is a special sign that identifies the one true God and His people (Ex. 31:12-18), the Jews were able to retain their true identity.
The Israelites were severely punished because they lusted after pagan customs, rituals, traditions and practices. As you can see, God does not take paganism lightly.
Just why does God hate anything that resembles pagan customs? Is it possible to “whitewash” or “Christianize” pagan practices and make them clean? Is it okay to practice pagan customs as long as you “worship God”?
Notice what God says in Leviticus chapter 18. After rescuing Israel from slavery, God warned them not to practice the customs they had picked up in Egypt, or learn the ways, customs and traditions of the Gentile nations that they would encounter in the Promised Land (vs. 1-3). Instead, God commanded Israel to follow His ways (vs. 4-5).
God then describes the pagan ways of these ungodly nations in great detail. In verses 7-20, He condemns all kinds of heterosexual sex relations that fall outside the holy boundaries of marriage—incest, fornication, adultery, etc. In verses 22-23, God condemns homosexuality and bestiality. Together, these sins break down and destroy the family unit that God had so lovingly created and instituted.
Notice what God links to these perversions: “And you shall not let any of your seed [children] pass through the fire to Molech, neither shall you profane the name of your God: I am the Lord” (vs. 21). God ties in the perverse sexual practices of ungodly, pagan nations with human sacrifices—parents offering the lives of their children to pagan gods!
The Bible shows that Israel not only disobeyed God and wholeheartedly embraced the sexual immorality of the Gentiles, they even went a step further.
“And they have turned unto Me the back, and not the face: though I taught them, rising up early and teaching them, yet they have not hearkened to receive instruction. But they set their abominations in the house [the temple at Jerusalem], which is called by My name, to defile it. And they built the high places of Baal, which are in the valley of the son of Hinnom, to cause their sons and their daughters to pass through the fire unto Molech; which I commanded them not, neither came it into My mind, that they should do this abomination, to cause Judah to sin” (Jer. 32:33-35).
Imagine. Israel committed a sin so vile, so disgusting, that it even shocked God!
But that was then. What about today? Surely, parents do not sacrifice their children to pagan gods today—or do they?
Do not be so certain. Perhaps their lives are not being sacrificed—but what about their innocence?
Parents today expect their little ones to “fall in love” and have boyfriends and girlfriends. They think it is “cute” when little boys and girls hold hands and act like a couple, sneaking a kiss or two when no one is watching. Some parents get worried when their kids do not show romantic interest in the opposite sex. They constantly ask them, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” or “Who’s your girlfriend?”
Yet these same parents are surprised when their teen-aged “little girl” gets pregnant. Or catches a sexually transmitted disease. Or gets an abortion behind their back.
St. Valentine’s Day is just one of many tools the “god of this world” (II Cor. 4:4) uses to get parents to sacrifice the innocence of their children.
When little boys and girls draw each other’s names in a lottery and send Valentine cards and gifts to each other, declaring their “love,” they are learning the first stages of intimate relations that the Creator God designed specifically for emotionally mature adults. Instead of embracing the carefree innocence of youth, growing up without the headaches and heartaches of adulthood (finding a job, paying bills, marriage, raising a family, etc.), children today are taught to lust after each other. They are caught up in a daily drama of “If-you-loved-me-you’d-sleep-with-me; I’m-pregnant; It’s-not-mine, she-had-an-abortion.” By the time they reach adulthood, virtually every shred of innocence, sincerity and moral decency has been stripped from them. Emotionally drained, they have world-weary, “been there, done that” attitudes. And their lives are just beginning.
This is why we live in a world where a teen-aged virgin is a rare find. Where what used to be called “shacking up” and “living in sin” is now simply “living together.” Where sex is nothing more than meaningless physical recreation—no emotional attachments, no cares, no concerns. Where people change sex partners as conveniently as they change clothes. Where unmarried twenty- or thirty-somethings have had at least five sexual partners—and that is considered a low number, especially in the United States. Where men are not referred to as “my husband,” or “my fiancé,” but as “my second baby’s father.”
How pathetic!
Satan has deceived the whole world (Rev. 12:9) in multiple ways—especially when it comes to intimate relationships. St. Valentine’s Day is just one of his tools for deception.
Concerning the near future, when man’s Satan-influenced world is about to collapse, God declares, “Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils [demons], and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird. For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed [increased] rich through the abundance of her delicacies” (Rev. 18:2-3).
Concerning this pagan, satanic system, God commands true Christians,“Come out of her, My people, that you be not partakers of her sins, and that you receive not of her plagues” (vs. 4).
St. Valentine’s Day originates from the ancient paganism of this Satan-influenced world. It is designed to deceive mankind by appealing to fleshly, carnal desires—or, as the Bible calls them, the works of the flesh. “Now the works of the flesh are manifest [made obvious], which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry…drunkenness, revellings, and such like” (Gal. 5:19-21). Do any of these sound like Lupercalia to you?
Ultimately, “they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” A true Christian is focused on God’s soon-coming kingdom (Matt. 6:33) and the world to come—not on the fleshly cravings of this world. A true Christian must strive to “put off the old man” and actively imitate the perfect, righteous example of Jesus Christ. A Christian knows that he must actively come out of this world, out of its pagan-infested customs, practices and traditions.
Is it time to stop celebrating St. Valentine’s Day?
The choice of your outfit when going to a wedding counts a lot. You do not want to be shabbily dressed when attending a wedding. Having the right kind of attire is essential. If you are confused with what to wear, it’s important you find help on what to wear. The dressing style for the man and woman could be different for the wedding day. Here are tips on what to wear as a lady and as a man. Please note that this post is specifically for those who aren’t willing to wear the native African fabric to weddings.
Dress
When choosing what to wear for ladies, a dress is usually the best option. You also do not want to steal focus from the bride, avoid white dresses or anything that is somewhat too low-cut, too fitting or too short.
Color
As for the color, you may want to stick to happier colors and avoid darker/dull colors such as black, dark gray, navy or dark brown. If the wedding is going to take place in the evening, you may get away with wearing darker colors.
Shoes
Shoes can accentuate the glamour of your outfit. Choose shoes that some add height, high heels will therefore do well. Those that are not well versed with high heels can opt for wedges. You can get away with wearing sandals in case it is going to be a beach wedding.
As for the perfect evening wear, you do not want to have any jacket thrown over your dress as you enjoy partying the night away. You can add a classy option of a scarf or shawl that wraps around your shoulders in case you get somewhat cold.
For men
Men’s rules of dressing are not very stringent. The only thing that you have keep in mind is to never show up in jean or a ripped tee shirt, unless the dressing has been previously indicated to be super-casual. The proper etiquette for men’s dressing is official wear, this remains the same across the board for different weddings at different venues.
Informal evening weddings or semi-formal daytime weddings also call for suits. Semi-formal wears during evenings especially call for suits and ties. For formal wedding in the evening, if the invitation makes mention of a black tie, then a dark suit will serve well.
Use the invitation
For a general rule of how to wear to a wedding, use the invitation as your guideline. You can find details of how to dress for the big day. However, if it is not well indicated, look at the style of the invitation. The color, flower and decoration of the invitation letter should assist you to know what exactly you should wear.
Making sure that the bride and groom have a memorable time is an important thing that a guest can do. One way to do this is to exercise a good judgment in your dressing. You do not want to take attention from the newlyweds nor do you want to disappoint them by dressing inappropriately. Follow these guidelines on what to wear and you will be the perfect wedding guest.
When you gaze into your partner’s eyes on Valentine’s Day, will they be lit by the warm glow of a candle or the artificial light of a smartphone screen?
While technology has made meeting potential partners and communicating with loved ones easier, mobile gadgets and social networks can distract and cause rifts, especially for high-tech workers who feel the need to be constantly connected to their jobs to ensure everyone else doesn’t lose their favorite service.
“Technology can certainly lead to a lot of distractions, especially in Silicon Valley,” said Amy Andersen, founder and CEO of Linx Dating, a Menlo Park matchmaking service with many clients in the high-tech sector.
The key to avoiding such problems, experts say, is open communication between couples, with special focus on areas that could cause tension. To foster that communication, we developed four rules that couples can follow or at least discuss to keep gadgets and online profiles from interfering with a special relationship.
“The real key is being able to have the conversation and, even if you feel differently about how you use technology, working it through just like you would work through any other conflict,” said Santa Clara couples and marriage therapist Sheila Kreifels, who counsels clients to establish boundaries for technology.
Consider these rules for beginning to establish those boundaries, even though Kreifels acknowledges, “It’s a tough conversation for many couples.”
Social media has become one of the biggest danger zones for prospective paramours, with many couples’ first major discussion about a committed relationship centered on changing their Facebook relationship status.
“In the last few years, different media platforms on the Internet built up different cultures,” noted Robert Weiss, a licensed clinical social worker who has written books on technology’s effect on relationships.
Potential issues with social media are rife through the life of a relationship, including differing opinions on posting pictures of children or each other, as anyone who has posted an unflattering picture of a partner can tell you. The rule to avoid these issues is to ALWAYS seek permission before involving a loved one in your social media post.
“Consider photos and information people’s intellectual property, if you will,” Kreifels says. “Just like we need permission to use intellectual property, get permission.”
Even if you and your partner are not experiencing issues with technology in your relationship, establishing regular times to put the gadgets away can be beneficial, especially on early dates.
“I tell people, before a date, leave your phone in the car,” said Andersen, the matchmaker. “You can focus on that one person for an hour and then check your phone — not a big deal.”
These tech-free times can be daily — no phones at the dinner table or no tablets in bed, for example — or less frequent, with Andersen noting that many of her friends promise to leave their phones at home on weekly or monthly “date nights” with their spouses.
The most important component of this rule is undivided attention. Kreifels advises her clients to make sure they build in 30 minutes of face-to-face dialogue daily, even if that time is broken up into smaller chunks.
“Truly, nothing really replaces that kind of emotional presence for a relationship, for intimacy to take hold and develop,” she said.
The biggest change technology has wrought on relationships is the advancement of text-based communications systems. While an occasional love letter and quick notes were typically the only written communication between couples for generations, now we use instant messaging, text messaging and emails daily.
With text-based communications, however, context is largely absent, which can lead to innocuous comments inflaming a situation and messages that never fade.
“Haven’t we all said things that we really regretted?” Weiss asked. “Well, it’s one thing to say something and then five hours later take it back or apologize, but if its in black and white, it’s a lot harder — that person can read it and read it and read it.”
To avoid these issues, always pick up the phone or get together in person when a conversation takes a bad turn.
“If you’re upset with somebody, put it in a phone call,” Weiss suggests.
Angry messages may not even be enough to signal time for a real conversation, as many people can mask anger or hurt feelings with curt messages.
“In person, you can see all those important cues and come to conclusions a lot quicker than in three hours battling it out over email,” Andersen noted.
In a long relationship, it can happen so easily — one person needs another’s smartphone passcode to grab a number, or email password to look something up. But having that information can open a Pandora’s box.
“It’s great as long as you trust your partner, but as soon as they’ve shown you that they’re cruising hookers on Tinder — once you have that information, all bets are off,” Weiss said.
Most communications that could cause strife are not as clear-cut as Weiss’ example, however. Even the most bland text or email conversations can be taken the wrong way from the view of a third party, the experts pointed out, and online habits one person may find completely normal could be offensive to others.
While communication can help establish parameters that both members can agree upon, it’s probably better to just avoid the temptation to snoop that sharing of passwords can create. People should be understanding if partners — at any stage in the relationship — are reluctant to pass along passwords, the experts said, and all said they share few, if any, passwords with their own spouses.
“I would never give my personal information about my cellphone to my wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend — that’s my business,” Weiss said. “If they trust me, they trust me.”
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Love isn’t just about speech, it’s about actions. You have to let your words match your actions, and make sure they are genuinely from your heart. It is however important to also note that words can inspire action, and words have the power to endear your partner to you more, especially in this season of love.
Not just the gifts, but the words.
So why not find the perfect mix of words to strengthen your bond with your partner this season. Whether you are planning the best hangout, shopping, cinema experience, gifting or anything else, you should find some nice short lines to go with it.
Makes for a perfect valentine for both of you.
We have decided to help you gather a few of the best quotes we could find. You are allowed to use them (you may or may not decided to give credit to whom it is due. lol) you can also use this as inspiration to fashion the best mix of words to say to your partner. Whichever way, have fun and make the day memorable
Find our compilation below:
“I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” — Paulo Coelho
“If a hug represented how much I loved you, I would hold you in my arms forever.” — Mandy Hampton
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” — Khalil Gibran
“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” — Franklin P. Jones
“When I saw you, I fell in love and you smiled because you knew” — Arrigo Boito
“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” — Judy Garland
“I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” — Roy Croft
“I’ve fallen in love many times … always with you.” — Unknown
“What I need to live has been given to me by the earth. Why I need to live has been given to me by you.”— Unknown
“The most beautiful view is the one I share with you.” — Unknown
“Come live in my heart and pay no rent.” — Samuel Lover
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” — Helen Keller
“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupery
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” — Lao Tzu
Relationships. They’re a source of endless joy and angst. We might be deliriously happy for a while, but then the gloss wears off and we’re stuck with reality. Most people get into relationships expecting they’ll feel better about themselves and their lives when they have someone to love them. We will meet the man or woman of our dreams and they will fulfil us, be our everything and we’ll both be deliriously happy for ever.
When that’s not the case, what do we do? Often, we blame the other person. The thinking might go like this: I don’t feel fantastic anymore, so it must be the other person’s fault: they’re not good enough, good-looking enough, rich enough, smart enough. A solution? Move on. The next relationship will bring all the things I need. And many people chase the high that new “love” brings.
Another solution might be to stay in that relationship because, very conveniently, we now have someone else to blame for everything we don’t like about our lives. If it wasn’t for them and all their flaws, our life would be wonderful. Love promised a perfect life, but I still don’t have enough money and have no friends. Life didn’t deliver. It’s all their fault. How convenient not to have to look at our own stuff and stuff-ups. Those arguing, bickering, bitter couples are all locked into the blame game. Are we too afraid to say “What’s my part in this? Why do I feel so unhappy? What can I do to change this?”
Being in a relationship that works means asking all those questions of yourself and then doing something about them. A something that doesn’t involve running away, getting divorced and making all the same mistakes in your next relationship. In short: Own your own crap. If something annoys you in your relationship, look at your part in it. Then look at why it annoys you. It’s your responsibility. It’s so easy to blame everyone else for everything. I know, I spent most of my life doing it.
My husband called me on it early on in our relationship. I hated him for it at the time, because it meant I really had to look at why I always played the victim. Sometimes I want to be weak and helpless and have someone else to blame for everything that’s wrong in my life. But if that’s true, where does it leave me? What can I learn or improve from that position of helplessness? Playing the victim may feel easy at the time, but it’s a cop-out. In the long term, it kept me stuck and miserable.
Now when I feel bad and I want to blame him, I have the tools to turn it around, knowing and really understanding that I am responsible for my own misery and my own happiness. I take him out of the equation and own my own crap. He can’t do anything about my crap and I can’t do anything about his, but to the best of our ability we don’t dump it on each other. That, my friend, is the one big not-so-secret secret of a happy relationship. Own your own crap. And do something about it so you don’t feel crappy.
There is one proviso: If he or she ever physical assaults you, even a “small” hit, that is not your crap. That is not your fault. That is definitely their crap. And grounds for divorce.
Mary-Lou Stephens
Huffington
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The cards have been distributed, the date is set, the wedding trousseau is ready and slowly you are approaching that dream wedding that you been dreaming since a young girl.
But then again if there are dreams then there are wedding jitters that are enough to shake you out of your dreams. Well, if you are going to be bride soon and you are already going through wedding jitters we list down few pointers that will help you to get over them soon.
1. Stop worrying: Jitters usually feed on fears and worry. While, we all know that worry solves nothing, it’s time to put this in practice. Whenever you find yourself in a situation take three deep breaths and calm down, saying to yourself that everything will go just good and there’s no reason to be worried about anything.
2. Be deaf for a while: Well, we don’t literally mean it! But this is the time when everyone around will be ready with varied pieces of advice. So turn deaf for a while and shut yourself from all sorts of advice. Concentrate on the new life that you will be starting soon and let ‘time’ handle all.
3. Sleep well: One of the reasons why we feel so stressed out is because we are constantly busy with shopping, relatives, functions and so many other stuff, which lead to unwanted anxiety and jitters. The best way to deal them is mediation and good 6-7 hours sleep which one should start practicing it and make it a routine well in advance before the D-day.
4. Exercise regularly: A healthy body definitely houses a healthy, sound and calm mind and soul. While exercising regularly and well in advance before wedding not only will keep you fit and increase stamina to handle all the wedding but it will also make you better equipped to handle stressful situations.
5. Keep your favourite playlist ready: there are certain songs that have always made you feel special, lifted your spirits giving you enough confidence to emerge as a stronger person. Keep that playlist ready to help you deal with jitters more easily.
6. Accept and acknowledge: It’s perfectly fine to have pre-wedding jitters. Even grooms have them. But the only way to get over them is by accepting it and acknowledging the fact that all this is a part of the process and soon all this shall pass making way for a fairytale romance to start.
Good luck with your wedding.
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It isn’t every day that a story comes back full circle to spite its haters directly, but such is the case for the proudly picky Amanda Lauren, who, back in 2013, incurred wrath by admitting that, in search of The One, she’d gone on too many dates to keep track. That search has ended:
No, seriously—that’s how she put it in her own update on the subject where she wrote:
I’m engaged, bitches! And I didn’t have to settle for anything less than what I wanted. That’s right, I win! Next January, I’m going to marry the love of my life. And while I plan to take this opportunity to brag (since so many people took the opportunity to bash me), I really want to let others know that if you hold out for what you really want, you won’t have to settle. Trust me, I’m picky.
Let’s back up. In 2013, Lauren wrote that she’d been on so many dates that she actually went on a re-date with the same guy, and it didn’t dawn on her until he pulled the same excuse to end the date early as he had the first time around. She was fed up with dating, but still intended to wait it out for Mr. Right. Readers found her post entitled and desperate, her expectations a little precious, so she followed up with a defense: I’m picky, what of it? In that post, she laid out her MO:
Yes, I’ve dated so many men I couldn’t identify most of them in a police lineup. I’m not a slut, I’m just picky. There are two very specific reasons for this. The first reason is “daddy issues,” but probably not the kind you are imagining.
Honestly, I’ve never met a man a great as my father. He is handsome, funny, old fashioned, a gentleman, is beyond giving of himself to others, and is just fun to hang out with. I’m not going to say he’s perfect all time (in fact, my mom and I like to make fun of him and call him Mr. Perfect), but who is?
My parents are completely in love with each other and have a pretty mutual relationship. I want the kind of relationship they have. And I’ve reached the point where I’m convinced that men like my Dad don’t really exist anymore.
Every time I get involved with someone, I compare him to my Dad. Does he have that je ne sais quoi charm, class and heart my father has? Or is he just another douche who can’t even be bothered to open a car door for me?
Her new requirements: No baldies, must have a career (not a job) and can’t want to live in the ‘burbs. Honestly if that’s what we’re calling picky, then I’m a nun—a nun who would never date anyone who wears relaxed fit jeans. Sorry. Gotta draw the line somewhere.
When her original post ran, I defended her right to pickiness while acknowledging that pickiness means limiting your options. I would defend it still because Lauren’s readers gave her the classic shit we give women who dare to have standards and shake their fist at taking any man they can get: the who-do-you-think-you-are, you’re-not-exactly-God’s-gift-either variety. The sort we give women in dating advice all the time: Lower your standards, bitch! Or settle…WHILE YOU STILL CAN! And countless other pieces of advice along the same lines: If you’re picky, you’re going to be alone, and it’s your fault.
But here’s the thing: Wanting a relationship and wanting marriage don’t make you desperate. They make you human. Most people want those things. Some don’t, sure, but many do. Looking for it, admitting you want it, going for it, stating it outright, these are all perfectly honest approaches to love. And knowing what you want is going to save you a lot of time. Sure, there’s a big difference between a fascist list of superficial criteria that must be met and, say, approaching a relationship with caution, but to me, it reads like Lauren was angling for both: a good match on all the levels that matter. Attraction, shared values, similar life goals.
Lauren outlines her meet-cute with her fiancé, who was introduced through a friend of hers in New York. Lauren lives in Los Angeles, but after they scoped each other’s social media pics and talked on the phone every day for six weeks, they decided to give the distance a go. She flew out to meet him, sparks flew, and Lauren writes:
So did he meet all the requirements that everyone told me I was crazy for having in my first essay? He did — Ethan has awesome hair, is the most chivalrous man I’ve ever met, is brilliant, well-educated, ambitious, and makes me laugh.
Cut to now: He proposed, and they are engaged to be married next January. She writes:
I discovered that when it comes to love, there aren’t any real concessions to make. When you really love someone and they love you back, giving in or making a sacrifice isn’t really giving in or making a sacrifice — it’s just something you have to do, or a step you have to take to get something that’s more important than the thing itself. So while Ethan met all of my not-so-basic criteria, it didn’t mean our relationship wasn’t a challenge in other ways. But just because everything isn’t fairy-tale perfect doesn’t mean I won’t (or you can’t) live happily ever after.
So, happy ending, right? Pickiness pays off! Just wait! Don’t rush it! Stick to your guns! Ha, no, sorry, readers still took issue with her story—they don’t like her tone; she still sound desperate; and by not living with him first, she essentially “blackmailed a dude into proposing.” Oh well, can’t win ’em all. Congrats, Amanda Lauren, but that’s the Internet for you.
Lol
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Unhealthy relationships can come in many shapes and forms. One common term used for some of these types of relationships is codependency.
The concept of codependency has been around for a long time. It was initially used to describe the unhealthy relationship with someone who had an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Individuals can become enablers who lose their sense of self in an effort to save and protect the alcoholic or drug-addicted partner. The definition has been expanded to include other types of dysfunctional relationships.
It may initially difficult to distinguish between a loving and caring relationship and an unhealthy one. Helping someone that you love would ordinarily not seem to be bad. The problem occurs when helping someone causes you to lose yourself in the relationship and the other person to become helpless and dependent.
It has become apparent that there are many other kinds of unhealthy relationships built on the helpless and often self-destructive behavior of one partner and the inability of the other to separate themselves from it.
Classic examples are the dysfunctional relationships based on addiction of one partner to substances or gambling. But people also get into relationships with partners who do not work because they frequently lose or quit their jobs and do not pay their own bills.
Others are emotionally unavailable, chronically angry or depressed; socially withdrawn; or display a myriad of other behaviors that are unhealthy for themselves and certainly for anyone in a relationship with them.
It may be helpful to learn about the common characteristics of people who are the “helpers” in unhealthy relationships. You may be in an unhealthy relationship if you:
• Set few or no boundaries: You allow others to take advantage of you, and you feel guilty if you if you don’t help them. You accept verbal, emotional or physical abuse and mistreatment and may even think that you deserve it.
• Let others define your self-worth: You only see yourself as worthwhile when you are meeting someone else’s needs. You are overly concerned about what others think of you.
• Are always people pleasing: You avoid confrontation at all costs because you fear hurting the feelings of your partner or fear their rejection. You let your partner hurt you in some way and make excuses for his/her behavior.
• Ignore “red flags”: You ignore the “red flags” that signify a problem such as your partner’s patterns of dishonesty, unfaithfulness, possessiveness, irresponsibility, abuse or disrespect.
• Overinvest: You give too much to the relationship to the point of ignoring your own needs. You are angry and defensive when someone points this out to you.
• Frequently feel anxious, depressed or lonely: You consistently feel anxious, depressed or lonely about the relationship. You know that it is unfulfilling, but you see no alternatives. Perhaps you feel trapped or afraid to change or leave.
• Rescue your partner: You are frequently rescuing your partner from his/her own self-destructive behavior and poor judgment by making excuses, paying fines and bills, apologizing, and otherwise taking responsibility for his/her behavior.
Unhealthy relationships can take more than one form. In some cases, you may serve as the caretaker/rescuer/helper, and this may fill your need for self-worth and self-importance by being the competent one in the relationship.
Of course, your dependent partner benefits from the care and attention they get from you for being irresponsible and self-destructive. In this type of relationship, rescuing, enabling and dependency are defined as love and intimacy.
In some relationships, both people may be too dependent on each other and describe themselves as “incomplete” when they are not in a relationship. They may believe they cannot make a decision or cope with life without the significant other. This behavior can become so natural that neither recognize it as dysfunctional.
Healthy relationships are not based on codependence, dependence or independence, but on interdependence. Interdependent relationships are marked by mutual caring, sharing and support. Each partner sets reasonable boundaries and has a sense of who they are. Each has their own unique personality and neither disappears inside the relationship. They work together for the mutual benefit. Communication is direct, clear and open. Each person has friendships and social support outside of the relationship.
If you discover that you are in an unhealthy relationship it can be very difficult to change it. You can first try to change the relationship dynamics. Begin an honest discussion with your partner about what you see and how you feel and listen to their concerns. Make it clear that you expect your partner to invest in the relationship and act responsibly, and that you will no longer assume responsibility for them.
It will also be necessary to change your role in contributing to the problem. Start by reconnecting to the extended support system that you once had. This will allow you to get perspective, define yourself outside of the relationship and gain a separate identity.
Resume some activities that you enjoyed but stopped when you got into the relationship. Set some goals for yourself that are separate from the relationship. Recognize when your care for your partner has turned into treating him/her as a child instead of an equal.
Think about what your interests are, pursue them and talk about them with your partner. Encourage your partner’s interests. Develop a realistic view of relationships. Recognize what needs they can reasonably expected to meet and those that they cannot.
This attempt to change the status quo and create healthy interdependence in your relationship may not always be well received by your partner. Old patterns are hard to break, and your attempts to change may be perceived as abandonment or rejection. You, too, may experience fear at the prospect of change. You will ultimately need to decide what is best for both of you.
Know when you should stay and when it is necessary to move on. If you leave this relationship, avoid making similar mistakes by spending some time learning about yourself, your values and your needs before starting a new one.
Sensitive topic but this is about opinions, right?
I don’t get it. How can these people insist that women cannot be blamed for being raped when they’re looking like that? That a lady has a right to appear however she deems fit doesn’t fit at all. I really don’t get it. You wear clothes that look like they belong to your 13 year old niece and you expect that certain parts of your exposed skin won’t attract the opposite sex and as you are a mature lady you expect to be respected? You won’t. Alot of people will act like they don’t care how you look but they would never choose to look that way for several or a single reason; it doesn’t feel right. Besides, as Neanderthals we had but a few materials to cover ourselves with. Many technologies and clothing materials later we choose to go back to that?
Yea, you could argue that the Neanderthals didn’t then molest their women for that simple reason but be fully aware that there’re many deranged people out here now, both men and women, all nuts walking around town, just waiting for a trigger.
There’s the argument that clothes really do not matter because of cases where women who were properly dressed still got raped or molested in public. This is correct. And points to the fact that people are not as normal as they used to be. People are loosing it, why push them?
But this freedom of expression thing though. The negative sides seems to outweigh the positive.
Like some guest said on BBC the other day. Opinions are like clothes. You have the right to wear whatever you want, but you don’t have the right to be accepted in public.
This is exactly the same with Charlie Hebdo and the Islamic community. You can say what you want but people will be influenced negatively and those without self control will act on what you have said;usually negatively.
Please note that I am for freedom of expression and all. I appreciate a woman who can express herself fashion-wise, but we should be aware that certain freedom has created or enhanced certain problems. Just as the right to posses firearms has done to the rate of gun violence as well. We can argue that later though.
This question is rampant among ladies who are getting no younger and therefore feel the need to settle for just anything. Some get lucky and have a fairy tale marriage, but for others, I have decided to write this post – to let you know that even at 40 years of age, a bad relationship is a bad relationship!
I used to know a friend (I haven’t seen her since we had this discussion) who secretly dated a man for six months, lying to her family about it because he’s from a different tribe and her parents do not support inter-tribal marriages.
However, as at the time of meeting me, she didn’t know if she wanted to continue with the relationship.
She found out that they were very different in our likes, value systems and thinking. He was an unambitious gym attendant, happy living in a basement apartment and renting forever. He drinks a lot daily, and smokes marijuana daily. But this lady was a hard worker always striving for better.
This lady eventually moved back with her parents due to debt, and when she met me, she had been working and living frugally. She hoped to be debt-free in six months, and should have saved for the deposit to rent a place for herself in another six months.
Sadly and irritating enough, her boyfriend didn’t agree with her plan and felt that moving in would be great for them both.
This lady started seeing the fact that the relationship wouldn’t work. She sometimes lied to get out of seeing him. It became clear the relationship was geared only to his benefit.
Some more unbelievable facts about this guy is that he doesn’t like meaningful conversation, and hates and avoids stress. When she is having issues at work or at home, he cuts her off that she stopped confiding anything to him.
He’d previously made money working in a bank, but had nothing to show for it. Her girlfriend makes more money, and they look doomed for a mediocre life together.
Now here is my point; Having counted all these ordeals the poor lady is facing, her friends said she should just accept what she gets because the pickings are slim now, at age 40!
Who does that? Yes, I know…a lot of ladies do, because they are desperate to hang on to a man. They are scared of what the society will say about them. So they sell themselves to slavery to a man who will make them miserable for the rest of their lives, and they may end up passing that bitterness into their children.
Do I need to remind anyone that you are likely to spend more years in marriage than the years you have spent as a single? You will not want to waste the better part of your life in misery. A good man will come at God’s appointed time. There is a MAN for every WOMAN.
No one should accept a poor relationship due to “slim pickings.”
If you find yourself in a similar situation as this lady, tell that “nice, caring” guy that you both should go separate ways. Age 40 or whatever age you are is time for you to believe in yourself, not in your friends’ jaded views.
Safe.
Last week a survey was published which revealed 50 things that baffled men about women. Most responses were from women who couldn’t grasp the actions of the men in their lives. And judging by the anger vented in some of the submissions, these men have been irritating them for a while.
Have a look and see if you recognise any of the traits in you and your partner. To be fair to them, a lot of women probably do these things, too…we have decided to publish the opinion without names.
Men, its your turn…what baffles you about women?
You must be wondering how lifestyle could become such a harmful disease which kills up to 16million people globally every year.
Diseases linked to lifestyle choices, including diabetes and some cancers, kill 16 million people prematurely each year, the World Health Organisation said Monday, urging action to stop the “slow-moving public health disaster”.
Unhealthy habits like smoking, alcohol abuse and consuming too much fat, salt and sugar have sparked an epidemic of diseases which together constitute the leading cause of death globally, WHO said.
This “lifestyle disease” epidemic “causes a much greater public health threat than any other epidemic known to man,” said Shanthi Mendis, the lead author of WHO’s Chronic Diseases Prevention and Management report.
Non-communicable diseases (NCDs), like cardiovascular conditions, diabetes, lung disease and a range of cancers, killed a full 38 million people around the globe in 2012 — 16 million of them under the age of 70.
“Not thousands are dying, but millions are dying … every year in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s, not in their 80s and 90s,” said Mendis.
“It’s beyond belief that it is seemingly invisible,” she told reporters ahead of the launch.
Most of the world’s 16 million premature NCD deaths each year — 82 per cent — occur in poor and middle income countries, and most of them could be averted with just small investments, the report found.
“The global community has the chance to change the course of the NCD epidemic,” WHO chief Margaret Chan said in a statement.
Millions of lives could be saved if the world over the next decade invests just $11.2 billion each year, or $1-3 per person, on promoting healthier habits, the report found.
DEVASTATING CONSEQUENCES
Today, some six million people die prematurely each year due to tobacco use, 3.3 million deaths are linked to alcohol abuse, 3.2 million to lacking physical activity and 1.7 million to eating too much salt, according to WHO findings.
A full 42 million children under the age of five are considered to be obese, and an estimated 84 per cent of adolescents do not get enough exercise, Mendis said, describing the situations as “extremely frightening.” The international community has staked out nine global targets for shifting unhealthy habits with the aim of slashing premature NCD deaths by a quarter between 2011 and 2025.
Simple and inexpensive steps like banning advertising of tobacco and alcohol products and taxing foods and drinks that contain high levels of salt and caffeine has already proven successful in a range of countries, WHO said.
In Turkey, for instance, an advertising ban on tobacco products combined with significant price hikes and health warnings has pushed smoking rates down 13.4-per cent since 2008.
A move in Hungary to heavily tax unhealthy food and drink components has meanwhile led to a 27-percent drop in junk food sales, the report said.
But while some countries have made progress, most will fall short of the 2025 target, WHO said, warning that inaction would have far-reaching consequences.
“When people fall sick and die in the prime of their lives, productivity suffers, and the cost of treating diseases can be devastating,” the UN health agency said.
It has estimated that if nothing is done to improve the situation, premature NCD deaths will suck $7.0 trillion out of the global economy over the next decade.
We at Glowville advise you to choose a lifestyle that serves you well, and keeps you alive for as long as possible.
I feel like I’m in a relationship with a man-child. He has never contributed to anything – ever!
I’ve been in a relationship for three years and have two children – the two are from a previous relationship, I am planning to have more children with my current boyfriend.
My problem is, I feel like I’m in a relationship with a man-child. He has never contributed to anything – ever! We haven’t dated for so long, so I guess we have never had that time to really get to know each other.
He also favours our unborn kids over my elder children, who he says are naughty and don’t listen to him. They’re not any naughtier than any other kids of the same age – they’re just normal!
He does very little around the house and if I do ask him to do something he sulks and says I treat him like child. I even pay him to take the kids to school, as I don’t have the time – and I pay for everything else as well.
I love him but I can’t handle the fact he does nothing. He plays computer games or watches telly most of the day. I try so hard to keep us together for the kids. My two kids got so attached to my last partner but that relationship failed miserably and the kids suffered a lot. I don’t want a repeat, I care about my kids, I care about my boyfriend, whom I will be marrying soon.
What do you advise I do?
Let’s begin with a little bit of history here.
In the early 20th century, the first professional fashion models were called “living mannequins”. They took their name from their 19th-century predecessors, the display mannequins used by dressmakers. The term suggested that these early models were no more than animated dolls, and this was born out in reality. Uniform in their mechanical modelling styles and standardised body shapes, they stared glassily ahead, paying no attention to onlookers. One critic in 1910 described their “industrial smiles”. Forbidden to speak unless spoken to, when asked by the client, “What is your name?” the living mannequin would answer not with her own name but that of the so-called model dress she wore: Pleasures of Love, or The First Yes, perhaps. Resembling both a talking dress and the inanimate mannequin she mimicked, the fashion model cut a disturbing and uncanny figure in the luxurious couture salons of Paris.
Among the first women to go uncorseted in the early 1900s, fashion models were slender and supple, but nowhere near as thin as today’s models. The fashionable ideal remained statuesque until 1910-14 when it became tall and willowy, in tandem with the burgeoning craze for dance and sport. The new, slimmer silhouette was spearheaded by professional models whose narrow skirts and flimsy fabrics put the body on display in novel ways. Then as now, both journalists and the public complained that models bore no relation to ordinary women. The British designer Lucile advertised in an American newspaper for “the thinnest model in the world” to drape in heavy fabrics. She found “Arjamand”, described by Lucile’s assistant as “a slender, swaying reed, so thin, I often feared, as I watched her pace the long rooms in the divinely draped brocaded gowns, she would bend, then break, and dissolve into a graceful, luxurious heap upon the floor”. Far from it: Arjamand so hated being thin that she was on a constant diet to gain weight.
In 1920s, New York, the uptown retail stores employed svelte models while the downtown wholesalers used fuller-figured ones, especially to model fashions for “stouts”. As with display dummies, the first fashion models represented a range of body shapes and sizes, but these were standardised to correspond with the increasing standardisation of mass-produced clothing sizes. In Paris, Coco Chanel chose models in her own, slender, image, even fitting the fuller-figured ones with a whale-boned brassiere to flatten their bosoms. The fashion for extremely thin and androgynous models lasted from 1924–8, peaking in 1926. After that, the press announced that “boyish form is passé”, spurning the stick-thin flapper. One Paris newspaper contained an apocryphal account of 200 mannequins who had lost their jobs because they were too thin. But, in reality, the slender ideal was well established by the late 1920s and has varied only slightly in the intervening decades. (In fact, the first calls for a slenderised body came not from fashion designers but from doctors who attempted to make a medical case for dieting from before the first world war.)
By the 1920s fashion writers were generally advocating a slimmer figure. Presaging today’s fashion for a lean and youthful physique, the Countess de Noailles wrote in 1926, “our epoch favours the appearance of permanent youth”.
Clearly, the debates about models’ bodies and their influence on the rest of the population have been raging for more than a hundred years. In all this time, while it has often been asserted that skinny models are the cause of extreme dieting and exercise in pursuit of a slim, toned, and youthful-looking body – and in recent decades whether models’ bodies inspire eating disorders – there is little hard data to support the claim, and we still await a definitive, scientific study. There is unarguably a relationship, but whether it is causal is moot. As the fashion sociologist Agnès Rocamora says, “While images of thin women may well influence us to desire certain clothes, and even thin bodies, whether that translates into actual eating disorders is another issue. I don’t know if it’s ever possible to substantiate.”
Guardian
After a long hiatus, ADAM’S APPLE is back. Thanks for your patience. To refresh your memory, kindly read the previous episodes HERE
I felt a heavy lump on my throat as I waved goodbye to Valerie. There was every possibility it would be my last time of ever seeing her. She was silent all through the journey to the park, giving me no clue into what was her mind.
As the bus moved away, I felt like chasing to get one more opportunity to hold Valerie and ask her forgiveness. I needed it badly, as it would be one more opportunity lost to find love. My brother’s curse was indeed coming true. As the bus veered off my sight, I couldn’t help but agree that it was time to find my brother and have him reverse his curse.
It was 2:15pm, going to the office would be a foolish decision. I lost track of time the moment Valerie stepped into my apartment that morning. The best decision was to return home and carefully consider how to get back on track with my life. I had lost count of how many ladies who have walked out of my life. Getting no younger, there was an important need to come to terms with my problem.
I silently said a word of prayer to God for a safe trip back to Asaba for Valerie. I really cared about her and still hoped she would come back to me someday; after I must have settled scores with my brother. Valerie was too much of an angel to lose, she was my perfect fit, and I resolved to do all within my power to get her back.
On my way home, I stopped at my favourite bar, not far from my house. I needed to clear my head, in order to create a proper strategy towards redemption. As I settled for a cold bottle of beer, I received a notification on my phone. It was a ping from Valerie.
“Thanks for making this journey a memorable one.” Her message was simple and clear to me. I understood what she meant by the word ‘memorable’ and that caused a sting in my heart. As I looked back at my phone, attempting to reply her message, I had hardly typed a word when she suddenly disappeared off my screen.
I frantically scrolled through my contacts, searching for her name. After going about the whole contact list repeatedly, it dawned on me that Valerie had deleted me off BBM. Not giving up, I logged on to Twitter, and went straight to my DM. My last conversation was with her, so I quickly typed every apologetic sentence that came to my mind. When I done typing, the reply that popped up on my screen was that I am not allowed to send direct messages to someone who is not following me. I was alarmed. I continued to search through twitter for Valerie’s handle, but I later found out she had blocked me.
Feeling terrible, I decided to put a call through to her. I waited in vain for a response, but none was forthcoming. The phone was not switched off, but Valerie seemed to have barred all calls from me.
I was covered in cold sweat. Could that really be the end between me and Valerie?
“Good riddance!”
That was the only phrase that rang through my head as I made the long journey back to Asaba. It really felt like the whole idea to have come to Lagos in the first place was borne out of hypnotism. A whole me! To have decided to come all the way to Lagos to meet a random guy I met via twitter was out of this world. I had to agree with my self that I was stupid. Not only did I foolishly travel, I did more foolish things with him, and fell into trouble with my uncle. To make matters worse, I have a bigger one awaiting me at home.
While I could easily forgive myself for all the foolish things I did, events that unfolded within the last hours of my stay in Lagos was not only unforgivable to myself, but I decided to forever hold a grudge with Greg! Yes, it was that serious.
I woke up very early that morning because I was eager to leave Uncle Steve’s house. I was mad at him for calling my father to report me missing. The thought was unbearable, and the more I entertained it, the more hatred I bore in my heart against him. Every other minute I spent in his house was like poison, so I decided to leave even before Sunday which I had earlier planned.
Greg was the reason I went missing in the first place, but I wasn’t intending to hold it against him. I decided to check at his place before boarding a bus back to Asaba, more because he alleged I left something at his place. Despite having convinced myself that it was a lie (no belonging of mine was missing when I checked), I still gave him a benefit of doubt and went ahead to visit him – it proved to be a very foolish decision I will not forget in a hurry.
I arrived at Greg’s place at exactly 7:30am, hoping to leave before 8am, but I inexplicably didn’t return to consciousness until 1:50pm!
The last thing I remembered was asking Greg to tell me what I had forgotten, but he was beating about the bush, and trying to kiss me. In order to have him answer me quickly, I gave in to his advances to kiss me, but that was it. I fell into some form of unconsciousness until afternoon.
I jumped out of his bed, stark naked! He was too. I knew immediately what had happened, but the more important thing was to get to the park and head for Asaba as soon as possible. Uncle Steve had called my parents the moment I left his place, and at the moment, my father would be expecting me home. Lagos to Asaba was roughly four hours. I had spent five hours on Greg’s bed!
I jumped into my gown and slipped into my shoes quickly. Make up was the last thing on my mind. I had to leave quickly.
“Why are you leaving so soon?” The annoying sleepy, lazy voice of Greg called out.
“I have lost track of time, my parents expect me home already” I responded quickly, hiding my disgust, but stating clearly my urgency.
Greg lazily rose and spent some extra minutes putting on what to wear. At long last, we were out of his apartment. It was clear that Greg wanted to delay me, hoping I would sleep at his place. I was highly disappointed in my self, for sleeping with Greg again, when I should be going home. I was more disappointed in Greg, first for taking advantage of me, and for being inconsiderate despite explaining the situation I expected to face at home with my father. I doubted if he ever had any true feelings for me. “One who loves and cares about me will not be selfish like him” I told myself.
I resolved to cut all ties with him, and forget I ever met him. I made sure I deleted him off BBM and twitter, and every other connecting point available.
The Greg episode was over, a tougher one awaited me at home.
Luckily for me, I was the last person to board the next bus going to Asaba. I didn’t spend up to ten minutes at the park before the journey began. Despite the difficulty getting out of Lagos traffic, I spent just a few minutes above four hours to arrive Asaba.
I got home at exactly 6:40pm. I felt the magnitude of what awaited me at home right from when I alighted from the bike which took me home from the park. My younger brother was the one who met me to receive my bag. He was not exactly excited to see me, and would give me no hint as to what to expect.
“Is Papa at home?” I asked.
“He is not, but he is not far away. He didn’t go to work today. He said he is waiting for you” Ovie, my brother replied.
My heart pounded. I didn’t realize how serious my father took Uncle Steve’s report. If he refused to go to work just to await my arrival, then I am in for big trouble. Mama was my only hope for help.
“Where is Mama?” I asked almost immediately.
“She has gone to traders’ meeting” Ovie responded as he disappeared into the house while I slowed down, thinking about what to do.
I wasn’t ready to face Papa’s wrath. I didn’t know what Uncle Steve reported to him exactly, but I knew I would have to conjure an explanation for leaving Uncle Steve’s place as early as 6:45am and getting home at 6:40pm.
I had fun at Tekena’s birthday. It was a good outlet to forget my worries and ease off the pressure of work. After all, it was a Friday, and I could easily use my weekend to get things done. By the time the guests were beginning to leave, I was exhausted. Tekena’s wife advised me to stay over. According to her, I was in no good condition to go home, but I assured her I was only tipsy, not drunk.
I danced with a lady at the party, but we couldn’t get talking because she excused herself to attend to someone. She didn’t return, and I had forgotten about her until she appeared again when I was about leaving. She was far away, so I had to tell Tekena and wife to give me a few minutes to talk to her.
“She is my colleague at work, a good friend of the family. Her name is Itohan” Tekena’s wife, Sheila noted.
“Thanks for the info, it’s coming very handy” I replied, catching Tekena and his wife exchanging knowing glances, and silently urging me on.
“Hello Itohan” I said, tapping her gently on the shoulder.
“Hi” she answered. “How did you know my name?” She queried.
“Leave that for another time. I am Joachim, you can call me Jojo for short”
“Nice to meet you, Jojo.”
“It’s my pleasure. Why are you still here? I thought you had left.”
“I will be on my way soon. I am waiting for my fiancé to pick me up. He is on his way”
The mention of the word ‘fiancé’ was all I needed to know I was towing a wrong path. I was unhappy that such a beautiful damsel was already taken but I could do nothing about it.
“I only wanted to check on you” I responded, resigning to fate. “I will be on my way now”
“Thank you, Mr Jojo” she answered, full of smiles. Her beautiful dentition only added to my feeling of loss.
I returned to meet Tekena and his wife, relating the outcome to them.
“I am just as surprised. I am just finding out Itohan is engaged” Sheila explained, feeling sorry and probably as embarrassed as I was.
“Not to worry, Jojo has a pool of ladies around him. I’m glad he is finally thinking to settle down. He can easily pick the best from the abundance of ladies around him” Tekena joked.
As I drove home, I pondered about what Tekena had said. It was true that I had an abundance of female friends, but I have never had the impetus to take things to the next level with any of them. I wondered what suddenly changed in me, and why I have suddenly decided to start thinking that way.
Itohan would be the first lady I have been bold enough to express my heart to, but she stopped me in my tracks before I could even say ‘Jack Robinson’. Alas, there was joy in my heart. I was overcoming my old foe – the fear of wooing a lady.
I became overwhelmed with joy, and I began to see myself having the swagger and courage of a playboy to talk to any lady. The particular figure that appeared in my imagination was Itohan, but i didn’t care that she had a fiancé. I kept on enjoying the drama that played in my head.
The beautiful figure of Itohan suddenly faded and was quickly replaced by a truck parked by the roadside. I tried quickly to gain control of the car, but I was late, and before I knew it, there was a loud bang… I saw nothing!
To be continued…
Olumide Lawrence
Isn’t it amazing how long bad relationship advice can float around before someone shoots it down? Many axioms sound right, only to fall apart when you give them a little thought, because you enjoy them.
Which “sticky” rules are the worst offenders? I have five in mind that I would love to strike from every relationship book ever published, or from the confidential counsel of every “expert” who ever practiced.
1. Never go to bed mad
What, you’re going to stay up arguing all night? Plus who ever said it’s a good idea to discuss a sensitive issue when your heart is pounding and smoke is pouring from your ears? However driven you may feel to resolve an upsetting conversation and set everything right, you are almost bound to make things worse if you try to talk things through in an emotionally volatile state. Research by the Gottman Institute shows that most people need much longer to calm down than they think they do.
Human emotions can resemble a fire that hasn’t been thoroughly extinguished: Add some fuel to seemingly dying embers and you can wind up with a raging inferno. Best approach? Make an appointment to discuss the matter 24 hours later. You will be infinitely more composed, articulate and logical. (You may even wonder where all that heat came from in the first place!)
2. People don’t change. Oh, yes, they do!
They may not do it at the exact moment you want them to, but people can — and do — evolve in amazing ways over a lifetime: They stop gambling. (Or smoking. Or drinking.) They learn to control their anger. They figure out a way to show gratitude, sensitivity or sensibility.
The problem with believing that people don’t change is that it allows you to ignore the tremendous potential in even a longtime partner: Some people change after learning to say, “I’m sorry.” Others change in the wake of stopping, or being forced to stop, a dangerous habit or behavior. Still others go into therapy and emerge from the experience virtually a different person.
Our 50s aren’t like our 20s; in many cases they are better! We can revamp not only our actions but also our values, so please don’t hide behind this myth. (And don’t let your partner, either!)
3. Sex loses importance as we age
I have a policy of never begging, but in this case I beg to differ!
One of the (many) reasons sex remains important throughout our lives is that it is the source of key bonding and love hormones, such as oxytocin and dopamine. Sex connects, soothes and delights — and you needn’t strive to restage the sexual gymnastics of your 20s and 30s in order to enjoy a fulfilling sex life in your 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.
Indeed, intercourse itself may not be required! Partners can please each other with their hands, mouths or simply intertwined bodies cuddling late into the night. So even though a bad patch in the relationship can wound your sexual appetite, don’t let it kill it off entirely; loss of sexual desire is neither an inconsequential nor an inevitable part of aging.
4. Men are less romantic than women
You’re right that men aren’t as romantic as women — they’re more romantic!
Scads of research tells us that men say “I love you” to women more than they hear it from them in return. They also give more compliments. Not only that, but husbands are more likely to feel romantically deprived than wives are. And whereas men may be less talented than women when it comes to picking out a romantic gift, they are more likely to give one than to get one!
So … do you really need to hear more than “Men don’t get enough emotional strokes” to know what to do next? Misleading gender stereotypes aside, couples simply cannot overdo saying sweet nothings to each other, taking getaways or enjoying candlelit dinners that lead to candlelit baths. In short, more romance, please — of both the his and hers varieties!
5. Once you cross the infidelity line, you can’t go back
Another baseless myth. Many couples weather hurtful trespasses in the course of a long life together but still manage to recover, reconcile and soldier on.
I know it’s difficult (and may strike the wronged party as downright unfair), but partners must be willing to do the hard work of facing their feelings and determining what role, if any, each one played in a conflict, or in an instance of unfaithfulness. For the “betrayee,” typically this demands that you table your disgust — or revenge lust — long enough to understand precisely what devils your partner is wrestling with, or fleeing.
Given the trust equity the two of you have previously built up in your union, however, there is always the possibility that you will emerge stronger as a couple from an episode of infidelity. Hurtful though it may be, a betrayal can eventually fade into the background if the person who broke the rules deeply regrets it — and if the couple searches for, and finds, a new and better way to love each other and protect their marriage.
You are free to disagree with me on any of these, just make sure you are leaving your comment and setting me straight. Lol.
An open letter to my young daughter,
Hey dearie, It’s your mother here. You know how great I think you are, and how much I love you. You know I admire what an incredible mind you have, and how funny you are, and that I think you’re beautiful. You are now at (gulp) puberty, and it will be time for you to start falling in love (if you haven’t started)
Relationships are a tricky thing, and getting into them can be scary if you don’t have any guidance. Lucky for you, I’ve made plenty of relationship mistakes in my life that we both can learn from.
1. Don’t be embarrassed if you like someone and they don’t like you back.
When you hit middle school or high school, and you start to have crushes on people, don’t worry about trying to hide your feelings or wonder if you’re cool enough to like the person you like. If you like someone, it’s OK to show it. Having warm feelings for someone is a gift, one that is meant to be offered to the person you have the feelings for. If it turns out that they don’t feel the same way, that’s OK. Hopefully they’ll express that kindly, but even if they’re jerks about it, don’t take it personally. There’s nothing wrong with sharing a little bit of your heart’s love with somebody. If they don’t like you back, someone will. Don’t take that kind of rejection as a sign that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not good enough. Just view it as a simple compatibility issue and move on with grace.
2. Don’t lose your virginity too soon (or for the wrong reasons).
Having sex with the right partner at the right time for the right reasons is a wonderfully positive, fun experience. However, there isn’t a human being alive who hasn’t had at least one negative sexual experience, and that’s because sex is a very intimate act people engage in while highly vulnerable. It’s a delicate thing. So before you decide you want to go all the way with someone, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, and that you feel truly ready (by ready, I mean waiting till your wedding). You might be ready to have sex if you feel safe, secure and loved in a relationship, if you’re physically and emotionally mature enough to understand how sex deepens the bonds between people and therefore changes the relationship, and if you know your partner feels the same way. Some of the wrong reasons to have sex include wanting to be cool, feeling lonely and needing affection, feeling a need to lash out or rebel, or just wanting to lose your virginity before “it’s too late.” It’s never too late! Watch “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” and you’ll see what I mean.
3. Don’t make finding a romantic partner the primary focus of your young life.
Know this now: love will find you. Because it is already within you. So you don’t have to worry about finding someone to spend the rest of your life with when you’re just a teenager. There will always be love in and around and throughout your life, so allow it to buzz about you, and grab it when the time is right. Don’t try to chase it or catch it. Focus on your gifts and how you want to share them with the world, and trust that all of your relationships will unfold as they should over time. You will meet all the people you need to meet out in the world by simply living your life. (But I mean try online dating if you feel like it. Just don’t use Tinder to hookup. Or do. But then remember what my dad always used to say: “If you can’t behave, be safe!”)
4. Don’t get married too young.
People live such long lives now. And since you plan on adopting instead of having children of your own (though that may change), there’s no rush for you to get married and have babies. Even if you decide you do want to have a child of your own, you have well into your 30s to do so without worry, so you don’t have to get married right out of college. (But you do have to go to college. How else are you going to become an engineer/fashion designer?!) Take your time and realize that if you get married, you’re participating in a serious legal agreement … that is very expensive and sometimes difficult to get out of, not to mention terribly painful to end. Try to be as sure as anyone can that you’re entering a partnership that will last. That kind of assuredness comes from the ability to clearly examine things, which is developed with age and experience.
5. Don’t try to fix someone.
There’s a fairly common expression that says, “People don’t change.” That’s not entirely true. People can change. And some people do. But many people don’t. Furthermore, no one changes because someone else is trying to change them. People can only change themselves. If you’re with someone you feel a need to “fix,” that’s a sign that you should get out of the relationship in the hopes of finding someone you like just the way they are. (It’s also a sign of co-dependence, but let’s hope you won’t have problems with that, Miss Independent!)
6. Don’t stay in a relationship because you’re scared to be alone (or worried that you can’t take care of yourself).
No unhappy relationship is worth staying in. Period. Ever. Never be afraid to leave a relationship because you think you’ll be even more unhappy by yourself or that you won’t be able to make it in life without someone to take care of you. It’s not true. You have the power of the whole universe inside of you. You are just fine and you always will be. You have everything you need.
7. Don’t rationalize away or ignore bad or toxic behavior.
If you’re in a relationship with someone, and they’re hurting you, get out. You know the rule: relationships (romantic, familial and platonic) are supposed to add to your life and make you feel good. They are not supposed to be stressful or make you feel bad about yourself. Ideally, a relationship should be good 70% of the time, maybe even more. If it’s not good more than 50% of the time, run. Run as far away and as fast as you can. If it’s hovering somewhere in the 60% enjoyable range, try to work on it, but if it doesn’t improve, say goodbye. Emotional abuse or manipulation leads to feeling confused and not being able to trust yourself. Never stop trusting yourself. If you lose the way in a relationship and can’t find your own voice anymore, talk to your friends and let them help you find yourself. Pain is not love, love is not pain. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
8. Don’t stay with someone longer than you should.
If you know it’s time to end a relationship but you find yourself making excuses (remember: it’s always almost a holiday all year long), tell yourself to snap out of it. Don’t waste time being unhappy. It doesn’t serve you or the person you’re with.
9. Don’t forget that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.
RuPaul said it best: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” You know the difference between selfishness and self-love. Don’t ever stop taking care of and loving yourself. Once, when you were 6, you made a drawing that said, “Love Yourself Every Day.” I hope you’ll still feel that way when you’re 66! And 86! And 106.
10. Don’t give up on love.
It’s easy to think that as we age, and relationships keep ending, that romantic love is an impossible ideal and that the only real hope is to dive into bitterness and close your heart up forever. But it’s not true. I feel like I understand more about love now than I ever have, and I hope I can keep learning. I can’t wait to watch you learn, too.
I love you!
The best way to find love may be the simplest: make the choice to do it.
Social psychologist Arthur Aron about two decades ago demonstrated that you could lead two strangers to fall in love through a scripted interaction centered around asking each other personal questions. Writing in the New York Times this week, Vancouver writing teacher Mandy Len Catron offers further proof of the thesis by recounting her own experience following Aron’s recipe.
Catron writes:
I explained the study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.
Aron, who runs the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in New York, devised 36 questions and prompts that become increasingly more intimate: When did you last sing to yourself? Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
In 1997, Aron and his colleagues published a study of their findings on creating closeness. They wrote:
We think that the closeness produced in these studies is experienced as similar in many important ways to felt closeness in naturally occurring relationships that develop over time. On the other hand, it seems unlikely that the procedure produces loyalty, dependence, commitment, or other relationship aspects that might take longer to develop.
As Wired’s David Rowan discovered in 2011, the experiment is successful at creating a connection between entrepreneurs and executives, as well as forging bonds between people of different races or groups like police and members of the community.
While there are myriad factors that go into the viability of a romantic relationship, Aron’s exercise reveals that at love’s core, trust and intimacy can be created.
THE 36 QUESTIONS TO FALL IN LOVE
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Good luck falling in love.
Internet has a lot of pros and cons. But, when it comes to relationships, there is no doubt that internet can have a bad influence on it. Sometimes, for a romantic relationship, the internet can not be considered a boon.
There are different effects of internet on a relationship. It is common for many relationships to break up on issues related to technology. You should realise where you are going wrong and correct it then and there. This can be done only if both of you agree that there is a problem and are willing to make some adjustments for the relationship to work.
Being too busy with internet may take you far away from your relationship. The following are a few of the drastic effects of internet on relationship.
Time taken
The problem with the internet is that you are trying to keep in touch with everyone. It will be too late to realise that you are spending more time with the internet than with your spouse. This will sure lead to some problems. This is one of the adverse effects of internet on relationship.
Romantic Jealousy
The feeling of jealousy can be lethal in any relationship. There is no doubt that when you are using different social networks, you are doing nothing harmless. But, this can affect your relationship. Internet can undermine the trust between two individuals, if not used wisely.
Partner Monitoring
With the various features on the social networks, the internet acts as a surveillance to keep track of the romantic partner. This is not one of the healthy signs of a relationship. One of the best relationship advice is to ensure that there is trust between the partners. If the trust is lost, there is no point being in that relationship.
Tweeting
There are some couples who use tweets to communicate with each other. This is not a healthy thing to do. You should not publicise personal conversation, especially conflicts. This can have negative effects on relationship. Studies have shown that this can result in relationship break up and even divorce. This is one of the effects of internet on relationship.
Ex
Thanks to the technology, communication will never be a problem even with the ex. You may track what the ex is up to. It is better to stay disconnected with ex as this can have adverse effects on the relationship.
Adding New Friends
Most of the social networks will allow adding new friends. Adding new friends whom you don’t know personally should be discouraged as reports have proved that they can misuse your personal information such as pics you shared.
The internet has a lot of advantage to offer its users, but when it comes to your relationship, you have to draw the line.
Boldsky
I woke up this morning feeling so alive from last night good time I had with my lovely and beautiful girlfriend whom I have been dating for 6 months now. There is indeed no doubt that she is the one and I want to make her my wife but like every other young man in his late 20’s my heart beat skipped the very first time she spoke the word- BUY ME AN ENGAGEMENT RING. Why not? I mean I like her enough to put a ring on it abi? After all i’ve been hitting it –that Single ladies Beyonce song kept playing in my head for days until I decided to finally do it and the reality played a different song.
Now in reality, this phenomenon is not peculiar to my girl alone, even though most girls do not say it in that tone, they find a manoeuvring way of passing the message- there is nothing wrong in doing so because men these days never ready to settle ooo, dem still want to play even after dem marry sef.
Let’s assume that your man bought the engagement ring and puts it on you in a glamorous style in other words, he has engaged you. But the question you should ask yourself is have you engaged him? Have you even engaged his heart sef? I have seen situations when a girl wears her ring and rings the alarm to her friends, and for the ones whom she does not like, flaunts it on their face with arrogance.
They also push out other potential suitors within the long period of wearing this metal which I pray do not get rust around that cute finger of theirs. This guy walks freely at least not having a band that says “Taken” on his fingers or wrist thus making him vulnerable by the multiple single ladies seeking for men to devour and even the engaged girl’s friends.
In my own opinion, I think the man should also be bought an engagement ring or no ring at all and the goal should be engagement in their hearts and not on their fingers.
Women are not commodities you place a mark on in a large market to indicate that its been sold. Some women don’t even know this and they prefer to be yams instead.
I am speaking on behalf of the single and ready to marry ladies that will be able to think from this perspective and will not allow pressure cloud their reasoning especially at this marriageable age which your parents and friends have made you become. Studies have shown that 15% of engaged girl do not marry the engaged guy, this figure will continue to rise and as the level of economic stringency continue to soar, and you may wear that ring for months and even throw it away someday and move to the next man.
Some of these girls may be advised by friends and even their moms to take in for this guy and commit him to another level of engagement. This tactics to a large extent had worked and studies again have shown that men feel blackmailed and thus 17% of these cases that ends up in marriage do not have a happy home.
Now the advice is before you blindly accept that ring which may not even be worthwhile, think about how many months you want to wear it before he walks you down the aisle. You may also decide to engage him too at least you feel a little bit safe that way and please do not show off to your friends on instagram or facebook or even at the office.- you don’t have to impress your friends with that ring, unless off course its diamonds (winks). You have to be careful until he says I do even after the marriage sef, (smiles). As for those that gets pregnant to catch him, well that one na story for another day.
My ladies, be wise and be a goddess that you are, men need to worship you too and they need to be place where they belong.
Women have given them so much undeserving respect and placed them too high especially at this marriageable age. Your modesty and your fake calmness and nice attitude will not make him marry you so watch it!!! – at least not all- You need to give yourself a value and avoid the pressures. Your own wouldn’t pass you by but you still need to guard your man too if not… LOL!!!
Have a great Weekend. Muah!!!
Nwazuosa Nkem Kennedy
The Heart Prof.
Finding “the one” seems like an impossible feat, and keeping both you and your partner happy can be a life-long challenge. It is easy for the average couple to forget the small gestures that keep a relationship afloat as they suddenly find themselves sinking ship. Trouble in paradise is normal in healthy relationships, but the key lies in fighting with a purpose and not fighting each other.
Inevitably, all couples have fights, ranging from the need for attention to simply nothing at all. Fighting can actually help keep both partners healthy and sane. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found couples in satisfying relationships who have negative communication are more likely to have bigger conflicts, but this usually is followed by bigger resolutions by both partners. Arguing allows for these stressors to be released, and in turn, leads to a solution.
While fighting can be frustrating, it can also strengthen a relationship if resolved in a healthy manner. These fights can help set boundaries around these differences and let partners establish their own fighting style to effectively approach these conflicts. A partner’s level of relationship satisfaction tends to be a strong predictor of how couples come to resolve their problems.
If your relationship is on the rocks, science will help break your fall with these proven ways to improve your partnership — immediately.
Talk With Each Other Face-To-Face
Couples who talk more together, stay together — most of the time. Cell phones and other electronic devices have played an influential role in the course of relationships in the digital age, but they do not correlate with relationship satisfaction. A 2007 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found women are generally happier the more they communicate with their partner face-to-face. Calling, texting, and Skyping were not associated with greater relationship satisfaction.
Chances are if you have something important to say to your partner, say it face-to-face, especially when it comes to confrontational topics. Communication and the method in which you communicate do affect relationship quality. Make time for face-to-face conversations to keep both you and your partner happy.
Don’t Text About Serious Relationship Issues
Texting is a fast and easy way to communicate with your partner when you’re apart. However, you should not fight about relationship problems via text. Couples who text one another to hurt each other or discuss confrontational topics are generally not happy, according to a 2011 study published in the journal Family Relations. For example, texting “I don’t have any money in my bank account” is not a text anyone would be happy to receive from their partner.
Break The Negative Cycle
Altercations in relationships usually follow a demand-withdraw cycle. This means one partner will most likely be critical and demanding about the problem, while the other tends to withdraw and shutdown due to the conflict. Douglas Tilley, a practicing emotion-focused therapist and director of the Maryland Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy, wrote on his website: “85 percent of those partners who clam up and won’t talk during marital conflict are men. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to pursue issues even in the face of increasing conflict.”
A biological explanation may be the fact a man’s cardiovascular system is more responsive to stress, and therefore, they tend to block out any feeling if uneasiness. Whether you or your partner is the one who withdraws, it’s best to talk and let each other know how you feel. This will help break the negative cycle of fighting that only prolongs the argument.
Apologise And Accept Responsibility
Apologizing and apologizing while accepting responsibility for your actions are two different things. The number of times you apologize is not associated with relationship satisfaction. Rather, highly satisfied individuals are more forgiving following apologies because they regard their partners’ apologies as sincere expressions of regret, according to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Remember, saying you’re sorry is better than not saying you’re sorry. Apologizing can help ease the hurt. Failure to do so will not lead to any resolutions.
Give Your Partner Space
It’s never a bad thing to want to spend time with your significant other, but every couple needs a little elbow room. A 2013 study published in the journal Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin found if a partner wants more closeness than what they get in a relationship they are more likely to be unhappy. This leads them to think about breaking up more, and they tend to feel depressed. It’s best to understand your partner and how much space you both require in a relationship to get along.
These science-backed tips will dramatically improve your relationship and increase the likelihood of a long lasting relationship.
Credits: Medical Daily
Most people may think that marriages are all about two lovebirds staring into one another’s eyes whilst they say their ‘I dos’ – however, not everyone thinks this way, and some people decide to take a rather different approach to walking down that aisle. Check out some of the most bizarre THINGS that people have married below…prepare to be shocked.
Meet the guy who married his PILLOW
Lee Jin-gyu fell in love with his “dakimakura,” which is a very huggable pillow, so decided to marry it. As you do. It even has an image of Fate Testarossa, from the ‘magical girl’ anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha on the side. Apparently Lee takes his other half to the funfair and out for meals.
This woman married the Eiffel Tower
She’ll now be forever known as the woman that tied the knot with the famous Parisian landmark, but she likes to go by the name ‘Erika La Tour Eiffel’ – she’s even legally changed her name to this. She suffers from Objectum Sexuality, where individuals develop feelings of love and attraction to inanimate objects – so we guess that explains it a little then.
This woman married a real-life cobra
The thought of this actually terrifies us – Bimbala Das didn’t marry any ordinary snake, but an actual COBRA. She claims that it always came out to drink milk with her, so tied the knot with the animal in front of nearly 2,000 people in 2006.
This Woman married a male dolphin
Back in 2005, Sharon Tendler actually got married to a 35-year-old male dolphin called Cindy, who has since sadly passed away. “I’m the happiest girl on Earth,” the bride said at the time. “I made a dream come true, and I am not a pervert.” This makes us kind of sad, in the weirdest way.
This man married a corpse
This is rather depressing, but still true. Back in 2012, Deff Yingyuen, a Thai television director, married his girlfriend of 10 years, Sarinya “Anne” Kamsook. He wanted to make his other half’s dreams come true.
This man married himself
Talk about being in love with yourself! In 2007 Liu Ye married himself, claiming that the main reason behind the wedding was “mainly to express my dissatisfaction with reality.”
Are you planning a weird wedding too, please let us know.
I’ve been in dysfunctional relationships and I’ve been in functional ones. Right now I am in an incredibly functioning, loving, happy relationship (gloat, gloat, gloat), which means with hindsight, all the things that make a relationship dysfunctional seem stark by comparison. There’s a fine line, however. All couples have their problems. Everyone disagrees. Sometimes people get jealous. Sometimes you say the wrong thing. Sometimes you can be a little selfish. These aren’t necessarily hallmarks of disfunction; Even the most functional couples have their irrational moments.
Dysfunctional relationships are ones in which the negatives not only far outweigh the positives, but where they are so engrained in the dynamic between two people they become irreversible. And they’re not just limited to romantic relationships; friendships, family relationships, and workplace relationships can all qualify as dysfunctional too.
It doesn’t mean the two people in the relationship are bad or dysfunctional individuals either (although sometimes it does). Mostly, it just means that these two people, for whatever reason, bring out the worst in each other. Oh, to be young and reckless again. Dysfunction, as a rule, generally breeds more dysfunction. Once you’ve gotten into dysfunctional habits with someone, they can be nearly impossible to break. Especially when the relationship starts off dysfunctional (as opposed to a functional relationship that later becomes problematic). Anyone who has ever been in a dysfunctional relationship, no matter how long or how severe, will relate to the following things people do.
They lie
People in dysfunctional relationships lie. They lie to each other about all sorts of things, but mostly things that would cause controversy if told truthful. They lie to the people around them in order to convince them that the relationship is functional and most importantly they lie to themselves in a bid to normalize a relationship that might be causing pain or hardship.
They self-sabotage
In a dysfunctional relationship, otherwise functional people might find themselves imploding on purpose. A dysfunctional relationship is generally made up on two people who are hell bent on self-destruction, so much so that even when things are starting to go well, they’ll find some excuse to plunge the relationship straight back into chaos.
They create drama
The smallest things in a dysfunctional relationship are cause for drama. The intonation of an “okay”; a throwaway glance across a room; a five-minute late meeting. People in functional relationships know to choose their battles. They know that sometimes you have to let the small stuff slide, not only to be happy in your relationship, but to be happy in yourself. People in dysfunctional relationships see every tiny mishap or miscommunication as an opportunity for melodrama.
They refuse to compromise
Life is about compromise. Not everything goes your way all the time, and you have to be willing to do things you don’t want to do (within reason, like sitting through back-to-back football games, or visiting another person’s family. Not “kill puppies” or “eat vomit.”). Compromise is the key to happiness. People in dysfunctional relationships never seem to see the forest for the trees, and won’t meet in the middle, even for mutually beneficial results. This is one of the biggest problems in dysfunctional relationships: people in them are acting entirely selfishly.
They leave issues unresolved
People in dysfunctional relationships go to bed mad. They don’t work towards fixing their issues. They fight, learn nothing, and have the same fight again and again, each time coming back to points that have been argued and re-argued on countless occasions. Whether the issues are un-resolvable or one/both parties stubbornly wont resolve them, having ongoing issues that don’t change or get better is a good indication that a relationship might be winding up, and yet…
They keep coming back for more
Dysfunctional relationships have a way of never ending. It takes a lot of resolve to get out of one. There’s an attachment that breeds with dysfunction. It’s easy in some ways. Through all the tears and screaming and fighting and manipulation and deception, it’s somehow easier to expect things to go badly. There are no cards on the table. If you’re always angry or hurt, there are no surprises. People in dysfunctional relationships stay in them because it’s somehow simpler to be dependent on drama than it is to take responsibility for their actions where they’ve caused someone else pain. It’s easier to kick and scream than it is to work hard for their own happiness; to truly care for someone in the gentle, tender way that leaves their vulnerable, naked heart in another person’s hands. Or even just to say to themselves “I’m worth more than this.”
It’s the beginning of the year, time to start making plans towards making your resolutions effective. Search this scripture thoroughly, and objectively assess your relationship(s) with people; dysfunctional or not. Take wise steps to make it right today.
With help from Bustle
Great friendships are one of the most important things in life. You need friends around you to achieve your potentials, and I mean good friends. Friends could make or mar you, depends on the percentage of good and bad friends you have. This is because friends have a high level of influence on you, and it becomes important to be very choosy about your friends as the end result of the friends you have will tell upon who you become as a person. I don’t have to bore you with the common saying “Show me your friend…”, I will just let you know the kind of friends you should seek this year. And if you already have some them, make sure you keep them. For any friend who doesn’t tick any box, you are more than right if you let them go.
Here they are! Qualities of a great friend:
1. They are genuinely happy for you when things are going your way.
Before you cry “Captain Obvious,” consider the many “friendships” that appear friendly on the surface, but are filled with jealousy, passive-aggressive remarks, and an “I’ll step on you if it gets me higher” attitude. Anyone who plays that game is not a friend, but a manipulator.
A true friend gets excited — not jealous and angry — when something good happens. Great friends are teammates and celebrate each others’ success when they score! If someone in your life acts angry or distant when things seem to be going your way, they’re comparing themselves to you instead of genuinely being happy for you.
2. They’re there for you when you really need them.
Friends are supposed to be there for each other. We all know that. But what makes a friend go from good to great is when they explicitly tell you that they’re available when you need them. Modern life can be hectic, but a great friend makes time to offer advice or support when needed.
3. They’re honest, but supportive.
Friends are one of the very best external sources of information about yourself. They know you very well, but they’re not partially blinded by emotions like in a romantic relationship. This means they can see some of your rough edges that you might not realize.
A supportive-only friend is not a very good friend because, for example, they’d let their friends get into or stay in bad relationships — all because they put their desire to be “supportive” ahead of their desire to tell the truth. A great friend will be honest when there’s cause for concern but will find a way to be honest that is supportive, instead of destructive or harsh.
4. They respect your time and emotional energy.
Your time is valuable. Your emotional energy is valuable. Not-so-great friends often take the “I’m there for you” guarantee for granted, and load you up with all of their problems, all of the time. Problem-sharing is part of what friends are for, but it is absolutely possible to take it too far. Friends are not merely problem sponges for each other.
Being a great friend in this area simply means that you’re aware and concerned about how much of a burden you place on your friends, so that you don’t use them as a personal problem-absorber. If you’re not sure where that line is, just ask!
5. They communicate clearly.
I remember an argument I had with a friend a couple years ago. We resolved it not by eloquence, but with an ugly conversation. We both said clumsy things and let our emotions sway us, but we maintained the same goal: to resolve the situation. And we succeeded. I’ve found that clear communication is more about effort than skill.
There are techniques you can learn to communicate better, but the main one that will serve you well is to not give up communicating because it gets difficult. Many people will give up exactly when they must not give up!
Great friends communicate as clearly as they can, and if they don’t say it right the first time, they try again. They are dedicated to being on the same page as you. And even if they’re not very skilled at communicating, you’ll see their effort, which non-verbally communicates that they’re a great friend.
6. They connect with you.
The basis of friendship is connection with another person. You’ll share a common interest, perspective, worldview, or location. While this is the most superficial quality on this list, it’s still important, because if you can’t relate with a person on any level, it will hinder your ability to enjoy time together. You can become good friends with someone who you have nothing in common with, but probably not great friends.
7. They trust you.
Without trust, any relationship will rust (or worse, turn to dust). Trust is the most basic requirement for communication, because if you can’t believe what your friend is telling you, then what’s the point in talking or even having a friendship? Great friends trust each other.
When someone trusts you, it can create a powerful bond of friendship. If a friend doesn’t trust you, then they’ll have a tough time being anything else to you in this article because trust is foundational. Mutual trust is a must!
8. They motivate you.
Your friends should motivate and inspire you. Your circle should be well rounded and supportive. Keep it tight. Your friends should bring the best out of you. Quality over quantity, always.
Have a fabulous 2015.
I found this interesting post on my facebook timeline:
She said to me;
Take this N20,000 for your up-keep.
Take this T-Shirt, i bought it at the mall yesterday, its worth N7,500. I don’t have much but I also bought you a phone (iphone 6) since you haven’t had a phone for two weeks now. Pls, don’t reject it. Well, i also bought you N2,500 MTN recharge card for your internet subscription and N100 Airtime for calls.
You celebrated your birthday some days back, so take this Parcel. I opened the parcel and found Boxers, Sneakers, Gucci Belt, NY face cap, Rolex watch, singlets and …
Yea yea, we get it, you found alot of cool stuff, lets move on.
Lastly, she told me; pls get ready we’re going out to the cinema. Take this N5,000 for our tickets. Just act like you’re taking us out. Don’t reject my offer!
That ended there. So the fellow who made the post asked this question:
DO SUCH GIRLS EXIST?
As I was thinking “Yes, they do” I saw a comment which read: “Na now them exist pass“. Meaning there are more of these type of ladies these days.
I was puzzled. Though this comment was similar to mine, it did have an undertone. And I got that undertone and laughed hard. Do you get it too? Let me break it down. Though there are a few ladies who are indeed caring and do provide for their men, there’s only one reason a lot of other ladies would be into such show of affection: Marriage.
“Let me show how caring I am and then he’ll marry me. Then I can go back to being normal.”
This is how many ladies all around the world reason these days, true? So yea, my answer to his question: they do, for a while.
The latest fashion trend is to wear trendy stuff that is different. Neon clothes and jewellery is something that everyone wants to try. There is no doubt that it is fun to wear them with the right kind of outfit that blends with it perfectly. And most importantly, it needs to blend well with your skin tone.
There are a few things that you need to keep in mind before wearing neon jewellery. First, you need to combine with a neutral look that will tone the neon colour down. You always need to
start with something small. You will need to go for two neon colours to give you a bold look. The key point is that you need to feel and look comfortable with what you wear.
Neon jewellery is very common and they add life and colour to your dull work outfit. You will only need a small, splashy colour to do this for you. All you need to do is to follow a few fashion tips to wear neon jewellery.
No matter what your wardrobe is or what you like to wear, be sure to find some neon jewellery that will work well for you. The following are a few tips on wearing neon jewellery to add colour
to your wardrobe.
Neutral Costumes
One of the important fashion tips to wear neon jewellery is that you need to keep it simple. Your clothes need to be simple for your neon jewellery to complement with it. Small prints or
solid colours are the best when you are wearing neon jewellery. You will not want to wear neon jewellery with floral prints.
Colour Combination
You can do a lot of mix and match; this is one of the tips of wearing neon. You should choose a colour for your necklace and an entirely different one for your earrings and a completely different one for your bangles. Try not to mix more than 3 colours at a time. The basic idea is that you need to keep the colours bright.
Blend it with Black
Your neon jewellery will work well with black; this will also give you a dressed up look for an evening party. This is one of the fashion tips to wear neon jewellery. Black will help keep down the entire look of your neon jewellery and will help spot even the minute colours.
Wear it to Work
There is no doubt that you will have a dull and lifeless work wardrobe. You can add colour to it by using a mild amount of neon jewellery. This is one of the tips to wear neon. In fact, the truth is that neon blends well with dull colours. You only need to keep it appropriate and keep the jewellery to a minimum.
Go Minimal
There is no harm in trying something new, and going with the latest trend. One of the significant fashion tips to wear neon jewellery is that you need to start small. Begin with earrings and see how you are adjusting to it. This way you will be able to know what will suit you better.
You have some more neon tips, be kind to share in the comments box below.
Slim Shady
Boldsky
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Getting through any setback is tough. Yet sometimes the most challenging kind are the ones that involve the heart.
After a breakup, we’re likely to struggle with feeling rejected, unloved, not good enough, and, just simply, not wanted. And while recovering from heartbreak isn’t supposed to be easy, we can also make it harder on ourselves than it should be — without even realizing it.
Here are five ways:
Ruminate About The Past.
Ruminative thinking has a negative, self punishing quality, and often takes hold without really being cued. It’s as if the thought, “I’m not wanted,” just pops into your head at any given moment — and usually several times a day. And when you entertain this thought — collecting evidence for why this may be true — not only do you end up feeling worse, you also stay stuck in the past. Active, solution focused thinking, on the other hand, asks the question, what do I need to do right now to feel better?
Asking this question begins the process of searching for solutions — as oppose to replaying the heartbreak.
Stop Doing What You Love.
Being in a relationship with someone involves sharing activities, interests, and lives together. And often, in the process, we can forget ourselves, let go of things that are important to us, and trade the things we love for time with our partners. While this is usually a mutually beneficial process, after breaking up, the challenge is to remember what you — and just you — are passionate about, and get back to it. Because this is the authentic you that was there before the relationship began and these are the things that inspire, fulfill, and drive you — and they can also be the things that pull
you through.
Isolate.
It’s the easiest thing to do when we feel bed. We stick our heads in the sand, assuming that no one wants to be bothered with our problems, burdened by our sadness, our brought down by us. Yet when we isolate, we are more likely to ruminate about the past, stay stuck in our bad feelings, and return to negative habits.
And that bowl of ice cream isn’t going to take the sting out of a broken heart — it might just temporarily distract you, and that’s before it makes you feel worse. After all, isolating — like ice cream — tends to be addictive.
Stop Exploring Other Options. Sometimes we become so involved with a person that when things come to an end we forget that there was life before. And we forget that there are other choices, options, and people that we are perfectly capable of going after. Especially when we invested a tremendous amount of time and energy in cultivating a life with someone, we tend to hang on — afraid of losing the investment — and ignore that we may also be missing the other opportunities right in front of us. And heartbreak is a time to let go of the illusion that is no longer there and immerse yourself in the reality of what is in front of you today — which is not the one who broke your heart.
Listen To Anyone Else’s Relationship Advice.
While everyone else may have the best advice for you — it’s just that, their advice. It’s not coming from you, and it probably will not work for you either. While you may be anxious to do anything but feel the way you feel, going through a heartbreak is a time to search inward, ask yourself what you most need, what you most want, and what you need to do for you. The
solutions are probably already inside of you — curated through years of life experiences and learning who you really are — and if you take enough time to find them, they will be the right ones for you.
A broken heart may be one of the toughest things we will ever go through — but it is also a moment of definition as you come to terms with what was, and move forward with what is. And while you may not have had choice in having your heart broken, you do have choice in just what you are going to do about it.
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Movies have always been an interesting, inspiring and entertaining media. It has great impact on our lives. Love, romance, ego, happiness, sorrow – all emotions are found in abundance in movies!
Human emotions are recreated and portrayed extremely well in movies.
It is not merely an entertainment media. There are a lot to learn from cinema. What are the things movies teach us about love?
Cinema is an art that remind us about the extreme feelings of love. This takes us to a dream world, where we are not at all concerned about the reality. There are many people around us who are inspired by love portrayed in cinemas. The movie characters can create a big impact in our life.
Love and family oriented cinemas are always popular as it can be related to our life easily. Also, we will unknowingly come across many things that movies teach us. Cinema can be the best medium to look for all type of relationship advices!
Relationship advice
Cinema will put across stories of different characters. This will indirectly
help you get many realistic and practical relationship advices. But, be smart enough to try practical ideas that suits well in your relationship or else you will have to suffer the consequences.
Offer ideas
There can be films in which the hero comes across the same situation that you are facing currently. Watching this type of films will let you know how to handle the situation wisely. At least, you can guess the final result of trying out a new idea.
Love is blind
Realism has no place while watching a cinema. They will let us know most of the times that love is blind and those who are in love will do anything to fulfill their desire. For those who consider love as a stupid emotion, watching a romantic film will be a good treatment!
Positive love
No matter what the situation is, the hero will always get the supernatural power when he tries to get his love. This can indirectly bring about that similar optimistic power in you. This is one of the things movies teach us.
Practical love
Not all films talk about unrealistic fairy tales. There are many films that depict love stories that have happened in real life. Movies teach us about practical solutions to face real life situations, as a substitute to existing in a dream world.
Chase your passion
Movies will greatly influence you to get what you really want; in most cases, it will be serene love. Following the relationship advice of a movie can be helpful, if you find it suiting in your case.
Decision making
We are really not aware that movies play a great role in helping us to take wise decisions. Since we are familiar with the climax of many cinemas, it is natural that they will all affect our subconscious mind while taking any love-related decision.
You have other tips you want to share with us, feel free to do that in the comments box.
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Love is wonderful. A secure, loving relationship builds us up to be more than we could ever be without it.
Love is more than a state of being, something we feel, it’s also an action, something we do. This raises a basic question: What does “love” look like in action?
Expert Judy Kuriansky writes that love, in its most basic form, is “cherishing each other and holding one another dear.” It’s seeing an inherent value in the other person, which doesn’t depend on how they look or whether
they are in a good mood on a particular day. It means wanting to spend time with them, respecting their opinions, even if you don’t agree, and building them up with sincere compliments.
Kuriansky lists four other “L” words, which characterize love in action:
*Loyalty: Kuriansky writes that love includes “being devoted to each other unquestionably, knowing you would not betray each other.” Loyalty includes being faithful, but also includes protecting secrets. If you talk about a private issue with your spouse and then “share” it with a “close” friend without your spouse’s permission, you’re betraying your spouse and your marriage.
Dr. Ed Wheat writes simply: “Never repeat to anyone else the things your spouse shares with you privately.”
Likewise, telling jokes or making embarrassing comments to friends at the expense of your spouse shows disloyalty.
*Listening: Kuriansky notes that “paying attention to what each other says” is a fundamental element of love. Accepting your spouse begins with knowing who your spouse is. You cannot know your spouse without listening to him or her. Test yourself with the technique known as “reflective listening.” When they’re talking, listen. Then answer, “What I’m hearing you say is …” and paraphrase back what your spouse has told you. If your spouse agrees with your paraphrase, your spouse spoke clearly and you were listening.
If not, try the process again.
*Laughing: Kuriansky notes that “humor is the most appealing characteristic that men and women find attractive.” Expert Corey Allan writes that “laughter is beneficial to life and marriage” because laughter reduces stress; stimulates the immune system; releases endorphins, the natural painkillers in the blood; decreases systemic inflammation; reduces blood pressure; lifts your spirits; and helps keep your relationship fresh.
Laughing together over a shared joke is part of love.
Expert Willard Harley Jr. agrees, writing that laughing and having fun together are important, especially for men. He notes that “spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband.”
Kuriansky writes that research has shown 98 percent of men in healthy relationships said their partner “is their best friend.”
*Lust: Kuriansky writes that “for a relationship to survive the stresses and grind of daily life, flashes of lust are necessary to spark the union and keep you together.”
She lists some advantages of sexual intimacy: It helps reduce anxiety and tension, relieves minor pain and boosts the immune system. Regular sex helps regulate female hormones, which helps keep “the cardiovascular system healthy, lowers bad cholesterol, raises good cholesterol, maintains bone density, and helps the skin stay supple.”
Women’s Health magazine adds that sex “releases sleep-inducing endorphins so you snooze soundly” and increases oxytocin levels for
both men and women, which improves their sense of well-being as a couple. For men, it also reduces the chances of prostate cancer, cuts the
risk of heart attack and reduces the risk of stroke.
For love to be love it must act lovingly with devotion, loyalty, listening, laughter and healthy lust. Making loving behaviors a part of your relationship will add strength and joy to your marriage.
Kapish!!!
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My wife and I have known each other since secondary school, but didn’t date until much later. We had only dated a couple of weeks before we realized that we were madly in love and wanted to get married.
I was all for it! I even suggested a spontaneous, immediate wedding.
Kemi, however, was a bit more practical about the whole thing. She wanted to take time to plan it all out.
I felt deflated. “We’re so different,” I said. “You like to plan, while I like to be spontaneous.”
Kemi’s eyes widened. “I can be spontaneous!” she said, hurriedly. “I can totally be spontaneous. You just have to tell me in advance when you
want to be spontaneous, and I will write it down in my planner…”
I gave her a strange look. She was totally serious! Clearly, Kim did not understand the meaning of spontaneity.
Funny as it may seem, the more I think about this conversation the more I’ve come to realize that planning to love someone—or choosing to love someone—is actually one of the most beautiful things about love.
I’ve heard it said that real love is an
unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.
It’s true.
When all the butterflies have fluttered away and your wedding day becomes a distant memory, you will discover that you’ve married someone who is just as imperfect as you. And they, in
turn, will come to learn that you have problems, insecurities, struggles, quirks—and body odor—just as real as theirs!
Then you will realize that real love isn’t just a euphoric, spontaneous feeling—it’s a deliberate choice—a plan to love each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. Of course, you
don’t choose who you’re attracted to, but you definitely choose who you fall in love with and (more importantly) who you stay in love with.
Our society places a lot of emphasis on feelings. We are taught that we should always follow our feelings and do whatever makes us happy. But
feelings are very fickle and fleeting.
Real love, on the other hand, is like the north star in the storms of life; it is constant, sure, and true. Whenever we’re lost and confused we can find strength in the love that we have
chosen.
Besides, life already offers us plenty of
spontaneity: rejection, job loss, heartache, disappointment, despair, illness, and a host of other problems. We simply can’t abandon ship every time we encounter a storm in our marriage. Real love is about weathering the storms of life together.
Love is so much more than some random, euphoric feeling. And real love isn’t always fluffy, cute, and cuddly. More often than not, real
love has its sleeves rolled up, dirt and
grime smeared on its arms, and sweat
dripping down its forehead. Real love asks us to do hard things—to forgive one another, to support each other’s dreams, to comfort in times of grief, or to care for family. Real love isn’t easy
—and it’s nothing like the wedding day—but it’s far more meaningful and wonderful.
I recently came across this wonderful quote: “No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one
falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.”
Whenever my wife and I run into a problem in our marriage we do our best to choose love. While we’re certainly not perfect, the love we share today is more real and more wonderful than anything we had ever anticipated.
So, whatever spontaneous storm may come our way I plan on loving my wife. If you truly love someone (and they truly love you), commit to that love and plan on it being hard work.
But also plan on it being the most rewarding work of your life.
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The question is asked: “How do you KNOW” what you know, or how do you know that what you know is true?”
The resulting conclusion is that we have Faith in CLAIMS and not in
FACTS because you cannot possibly know….Interesting…..
It is a self-defeating argument that does not hold any water because the statement itself is a statement of faith. It is not a statement of fact. Yet it sets out to disqualify a statement of faith.
It is not a fact that Christians believe in claims and not in facts. That is a personal opinion and a personal belief. Because we do not know…
The same question could be asked, How do you KNOW that what we Know is not facts and actually claims…what you have is also what we have…A CLAIM!
Furthermore, knowledge is not objective or absolute. It is relative and subject. We do not know facts… We know information.
Knowledge can be good or bad, correct or incorrect, but it is still knowledge. It is the accumulation of information. The point here is that knowledge has got nothing to do with facts, they are not synonyms, not by a long shot. We do not know facts or fiction. We know information. You cannot use knowledge to argue against faith!
You cannot separate Faith from Fact!
At first glance, I myself admit, that sounds ridiculous, but walk with me. For all intense purposes, Faith is Fact.
The information that Faith holds is held as if it were a concrete Fact! Why? Just think about it, as soon as it becomes an externally observable fact, it moves out from the realm of faith. You do not require faith for facts…it is physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally impossible to believe in what does not need any believing. You require faith to transform information or CLAIMS into Fact, but the end result is still that it is a fact to the one holding the faith.
Play out the scenario in your head. Ask someone if what they believe is a fact? The answer will always be, Yes! Should the Answer be No, then you have to ask the follow up question, Why do you believe it if you know it is not a fact? Play the scenario further: Ask someone if they believe an external fact: John, do you believe that Goodluck Jonathan is president of Nigeria? The answer should come back as No! I don’t believe that…He IS president.
That is the point or function of faith. To take information from the head and turn it into facts in the heart, holding it as facts and not as information or claims anymore. And, if faith is not held as fact, then it is not faith!
How can it be? But, to the person who holds the faith, the faith is held with more certainty than what is undeniably certain.
That is what makes faith, faith! The fact factor! The point here is that Faith can only be Faith to the one holding the Faith if the reality believed in is actuality celebrated as Fact.
So, you do not need faith for what you do not know (blind faith). You need faith for what you do know. It is much easier to believe that everything in the bible is made up including the very concept of a God, in fact, it is so easy that you do not even need faith for that! But, to believe that a man walked on water, walked through a wall, died, raised himself by himself back to life and told us all that he was in existence before Abraham and he is going to prepare a room for us with God our maker in heaven….That is information. That information requires faith. Faith holds it as Fact.
But, you will say, it is not a fact, it is a CLAIM! Can’t you tell the difference?
How do you know that the claim is actually a fact? Answer: The faith is not without promise and the promise is realised, celebrated, received: FACT,
Monday to Sunday, January to December! That is how I know that what I believe is Fact. The claim is not without proof and the proof is in the kept promise.
For example, the claim is that there is an Apple tree (God). So, I believe that there is an apple tree! Ok, How do I KNOW that there actually is an apple tree and that I do not merely believe in a claim? Well, I have been eating the apples of that tree since the day I started believing that it exists. Can I show you the apple tree? No! Can I show you the fruits of the apple tree? Yes!
So, the fence is Faith and you either stand left of the fence or right of the fence, but we are divided by the fence, we are not divided by facts. Because you do not know that what I claim to Know as fact is not a fact it is merely a claim. You do not KNOW that just as you CLIAM, that I do not KNOW that my information is Fact and not just claims.
We are divided by the fence of faith. Not the fence of facts….a fact is what a fact is, there is no dividing fence.
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I have tried to understand it but no, its beyond me. How do a bunch of rich people organise a program ‘for the benefit of the common man’ (which usually never impacts the society or common man) only to spend a large part of the cost of organizing such a program on food. Rich people, who are not often hungry for the simple fact that they eat what and when they want. Its hard to be hungry when you can afford whatever kind of food at whatever time.
Just picture a seminar, luncheon or any random event involving dignitaries.
Ok, no need to picture it, its up there for you to view. How reasonable is it to gather money-bags together, talk very briefly on the important stuff, spend considerable time on comedy and music and then the rest of the time they’re having dinner. Dinner fit for kings – that they are.
But you know what? Most of this food is usually not eaten, not even touched. I know because I have been to such events and yes, i eat my food. There are usually average Nigerians in these gatherings and let me add that they don’t eat averagely, they chow down! These lot are aware that the ogas won’t eat so they eat for the ogas.
For the ogas in question, the rich folks, the food is placed in front of them and is stared at until cold, then they take a sip of the bottled water (that some of them must’ve brought in), help swipe away any flies–that some prefer to watch for sheer entertainment–and then leave. Food’s left on the table gaping at the ceiling. Who eats the food? The caterers and the ushers, the cameramen, the cleaners and even the security personnel. The excess is then stuffed in plastic bags and hurled to the various homes of these contract staffs.
Why then is there an Item Number Seven? Oh, maybe these people are the much talked about ‘common man’ that such programs are held for.
There are many ways of connecting with people. An emotionally safe, equal, and emotionally intimate relationship is likely the scariest and
most challenging relationship to build, yet is also the most likely to decrease your sense of loneliness and help with your well-being. Let’s call it a Soul-Fulfilling relationship.
This type of connection may be a romantic but doesn’t have to be. In a Soul-Fullfilling connection, you share
your deepest emotions with someone in an honest, accurate way and your experiences are accepted without judgment. You can count on honest, loving feedback and give and take. You support and love in equal ways over time. Soul-Fulfilling relationships take time and nurturing to build.
Finding those miracle connections is a challenge. Investing in a relationship only to find it’s not built on a solid foundation or isn’t an equal match for you is painful. Leaving can be agonizing even when you know it is the right action to take.
Recognizing early on who can be worth the effort to hang in there through difficult times and who to risk sharing your inner world with can help.
How do you know when you’re being tolerant of the differences of others and when you’re being too reactive?
Remember, we’re not talking about
acquaintances or regular friendships.
The criteria for a soul-fulfilling relationship is higher. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of such
connections, keeping in mind that these are just a few of the characteristics to consider.
Being a caretaker can feel safe because you are in control and don’t have to risk vulnerability of equal give and take. If you don’t expect to have
someone who shares in the problem-solving, then you aren’t disappointed. You may love the person and cherish the connection. You may want the person in your life forever and there is
great value in that–it just isn’t an emotionally equal relationship. In an equal relationship neither person is the caretaker and both care for and nurture the relationship and each other.
Being honest doesn’t mean the same as passing judgement or making assumptions or giving an unsolicited opinion. Being honest is not saying
something hurtful because you are hurt. Being honest means you express your emotions accurately and in a loving way. You stay on the same side. You don’t blame, name-call, or use the relationship to control what the other person does. Emotional honesty, factual honesty and respect support and nurture loving connections.
Acceptance would be that your partner lies to others. That’s the truth and you love and accept her anyway.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve or agree, it only means that you acknowledge the reality.
These ideas aren’t new and most would agree on their importance, but find them difficult to live on a daily basis. Awareness helps keep quality
relationships a priority, including awareness of how your own behaviors contribute to creating the relationship you want. What characteristics do you think define soul-fulfilling relationships?
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I’m staying current with The Vampire Diaries these days, which this season has traded in a “Big Bad” villain for a medium size villain, in the form of a local vampire hunter who somehow manages to get the drop on everyone despite an actual lack of superpowers.
Rather, the main plotline of the season so far is getting Damon and Bonnie back from the dead. Bonnie helped Damon escape purgatory while she remains trapped there with a witch serial killer (for now), and Damon’s come home to realize a lot of things have changed. Namely, the show is now enduring a very, very stupid plotline where Elena went to super-vampire Alaric to compel her to forget she ever loved Damon, Eternal Sunshine style, because she couldn’t deal with her grief.
Now, even with Damon back, brainwashed Elena was pretty sure she didn’t want the feelings back of loving someone she thought was a monster, but at the last moment she changed her mind. Unfortunately, at that point, Alaric had been killed, brought back to life, and now has lost all his super vampire powers. Now no one can restore Elena’s memories save the Originals who are all partying and New Orleans and can almost never be bothered to stop by for crossovers. This is all leading into the inevitable truth that Elena will have to fall in love with Damon all over again.
Sigh.
In my eyes, this is a prime example of how the love stories in The Vampire Diaries are lacking, even if that’s what a great deal of the audience tunes in for. Elena loves Stephan, then Elena loves Damon almost because it seemed like fans voted on it. Caroline loves Tyler and Klaus and now maybe Stephan. Jeremy loves Bonnie. Katherine loves Stephan. Alaric loves everyone who dies. And so on.
But rather, I think the show works because its best relationships aren’t its romantic ones, it’s because of its friendships, which is something you wouldn’t quite expect out of a show like this.
In a way it reminds me a little bit of one of my favorite shows of all time, The OC, which yes, was full of loves stories, Ryan loves Marissa, Seth loves Summer, but the central relationship of the show was the friendship between Ryan and Seth. If that show aired these days it would be called a “bromance,” but I think that’s a very stupid word that downplays the importance of same-sex friendships in both the fictional and real worlds.
While love stories are very much the main plotlines of the Vampire Diaries at any given time, the show has done an expert job with the concept of friendship, namely between Damon and Alaric, then Damon and Enzo, and then after that, Damon and both of them. The same is true for a lesser extent to the trio of Caroline, Bonnie and Elena, but Bonnie is dead like 90% of the time on the show, Carolyn is playing clean-up crew with everyone and Elena is off in her own little love world where the sun and moon revolve around her. Rather, it’s the guys who seem to have more authentic friendships.
The Damon and Alaric relationship has so far created some of the most emotionally powerful moments of the show, where Damon genuinely mourns the fact that his friend is going to die, and then does die, and he drinks alone at his grave. That was a heartbreaking chain of events, and it’s been one of the show’s best decisions to finally flip the resurrection switch on Alaric to bring that relationship back to life again.
Similarly, there are many who dislike Enzo, as the character is meant to be kind of an a-hole, but the only person he seems to truly care about is Damon, whom he spent years locked up. When Damon died, Enzo did more to try and find him than anyone, and nearly everything he does seems to be for Damon. He’s done some terrible things which has caused Damon to essentially “betray” him on numerous occasions, and you shouldn’t feel bad for him, but you do because of clearly how much he cares for Damon, and just wants to be buddies like old times. I’m very curious to see what happens now that Alaric and Enzo and Damon are all now alive at the same time, and that should be an interesting dynamic.
The Vampire Diaries may be a love story, but in my mind, that’s not where to find its best relationships. Friendship is underrated, and can make for dramatically heavy moments just like star-crossed love.
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I’m in a relationship with a smart, kind, and patient man. The relationship began as a long-distance thing, but when we became engaged I relocated for us to start our life together.
Since my relocation he’s confessed that he’s told me a handful of lies about various women in his life.
According to him, there has been no infidelity, but there has been some flirtation directed at him, as well as a
lack of information given to me about his past relationships with some of the women still currently in his life. To my knowledge, he has not acted inappropriately with other women but he lied to me about their advances, etc., even when I asked him about them. I can’t help but feel very disrespected by that kind of behavior,
especially after I willingly sacrificed so much to be here with him. He says that he wasn’t honest because the situations meant nothing to him, and he didn’t think they were worth upsetting me over.
Nevertheless, they damaged my trust in him, and we’ve done our very best to work through those problems and fall back into the rhythm of our wonderful (truly, truly wonderful) relationship.
Recently, though, I urged him to go to the dermatologist because he had a few bumps by his crotch. The doctor told him that he has a pretty common virus that is transmitted by skin-to-skin contact and that, when it’s on the genitals, it’s considered an STD. He came home and told me about it immediately.
The problem is that I do not and have never had this STD, which is supposedly highly contagious – though I guess I should expect to see symptoms soon. He has suggested
that an ex-girlfriend of his must have given it to him before we got together, but the “shelf life” of the virus, the onset of symptoms, and the fact that I haven’t gotten these bumps yet despite our long-term physical relationship, make that explanation extraordinarily unlikely, and he
agrees.
He also agrees that it seems very much like he’s cheated on me, but he
swears up and down that he would never do that.
I am not a generally trusting person, but I trust my fiance quite a bit, despite the past.
However, I still feel confused. I think most people would take this information as clear-cut evidence of infidelity, but I keep looking for other explanations as to how this might have happened. I do very much want to believe him, but my worst fear is that as soon as I decide to accept this and restore my complete faith in him, he will finally confess that he did, in fact, cheat.
Too much trust would be lost for me to move forward from that, and the relationship would be in real peril.
At this point, that he might have cheated almost matters less to me than the possible lies he would have told to cover up the cheating. If he’s lying, he’s not only been unfaithful, he’s a completely different person than the one I signed up to marry and start a family with. I really want to just
forget about this and believe him, but I feel really stressed about the possible scenarios, the worst of which leaves me without him — and living alone in a city where I have no friends, family, home, or personal investment.
He 100 percent understands where I’m coming from, and he knows about this post I’m sending out for your advice.
How do we move forward from this
problem? Am I foolish to believe him? Will this always haunt me?
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The first time you utter the words to someone, you feel as if you’ve swallowed a mixed cocktail of muddled emotions: excitement, nervousness, joy, fear. After all, those are three powerful, potentially life-changing little words. But with each subsequent confession, the words
“I love you” become a little more commonplace, a little less exciting.
In the honeymoon stage of a relationship, we’re likely to profess our feelings every two and a half minutes, plus first thing when we wake up and
right before we fall asleep. But as our
relationships age, recent research shows that we’re less likely to say “I love you” to our significant other. In fact, after 10 years together, just one-third of couples report saying the words at all.
A relationship’s age isn’t the only thing that affects how often we let lose with the words. We have our own ideas about what saying “I love you means,” and its frequency, at every stage of our relationship. For example, one of my exes often refused to say the words back whenever I told him how I felt. In the span of a year, he may have said “I love you” five times—and he may have initiated the exchange twice.
His belief, he had once explained, was that the words lost more meaning and power each time you said them. Super strange theory, if you ask me, but
that’s how he felt.
As for me, I like to say the words whenever I feel the desire to express my sincere joy and gratitude for the man in my life whom I love. If that’s once a day, cool. If that happens three
times in the span of 15 minutes, I’m also cool with that—and I need him to be too.
Some people are afraid to let the words slip too often, nervous that their partner’s will find their frequent confessions clingy or desperate. Others can’t say it or hear it often enough. Some make the words part of their routine: They say it as they leave their homes for work, as they kiss each other goodnight.
Where on the spectrum do you fall? How often do you tell your partner you love them? How often do you like to hear it? Can it be said too little or too much? Share with us.
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BE WARNED: You are about to read a piece that may change your mind
“I will love you, unconditionaleeee” … my 14 year-old daughter sings her heart out to a Katy Perry song.
I do that thing that all mean mothers of teens are obliged to do. I pull the wings off her romantic flight of fantasy and point out that Katy Perry split with Russell Brand after barely a year
of marriage.
Not much unconditional love there, darling girl.
My daughter knows every word of every tune. She hasn’t fallen in love yet. I wonder what she makes of it all?
She encounters these unrealistic notions of eternal devotion everywhere she looks.
Seems to me that “unconditional love” is not only an unattainable, but dangerous ideal. I don’t want my child to go on loving a person who mistreats her. Don’t want her to throw herself off a bridge if she’s dumped.
Is it time we grew up and got a grip on romantic love? Blow the whistle on the whole overblown, needy, expensive catastrophe?
We live in a time when “true love” has become a religion and when it slips through our fingers, we are ex-communicated from everything worth
living for. We are exiled from grace.
In our increasingly secularised society, God is now sitting in the back seat, so we turn to our fellow humans for unconditional love and absolution.
I, for one, am not up to the task. Nor is my husband, my beloved and helpmate. If you want something to worship? Go to church, find a wave,
get a hobby, hug a tree. We’re not into mutual idolatry.
It ain’t me, babe, as Bob Dylan sang in 1964.
“You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Who’s never weak but always strong.
To protect you an’ defend you Whether you are right or wrong.
Someone to open each and every door. But it ain’t me, babe.”
After almost 20 years of marriage, my husband and I look to something rather more prosaic to sustain us – partnership, a common outlook, financial security, family and forbearance.
After years in the love game, I found a fellow unromantic traveller in UK philosopher, Simon May and his 2011 book, Love. A History.
Challenging love is the last great taboo, he says. It’s getting around naked in the Emperor’s New Clothes booby-trapping relationships with deluded expectations.
“It seems that, if only we work at it, love can be a cocoon of perfection: it can make us feel totally secure, wanted, and respected in all our individuality; it can redeem the brevity and imperfections of life; it can give meaning and purpose where nothing else can; it can protect us from every abyss,” writes May.
Jesus didn’t have a whole lot to say about the romantic love between a man and a woman – greed, sacrifice and social justice were more his bag. Buddha called out the myth as an “ego illusion” and Muhammad had multiple wives – some marriages made to form political allegiances
and out of compassion for the wives of martyrs.
Most of the world’s marriages are still transacted in this way.
We’re not gods – only they can do the whole “unconditional” thing.
In the most controversial words I may ever write, my husband and I don’t think of each other as “friends”.
I shudder to hear those plaintive marriage vows: “Today I am marrying my best friend.” Friendship is now embalmed in saccharine eternity, like a sugared almond.
When I married, I brought to my marriage as a dowry – my friends.
These are the people I bitch to when my husband is being a pain in the arse. My husband also has his treasured confidants and we’ll both take our precious property with us if we ever leave. That’s a given.
Our dear friends are the flying buttresses keep our shabby little temple still standing after all these years.
Even BFF’s don’t not have access to the heart of a marriage. Even a long court case in front of a jury and witnesses can’t get to the reason why we stay and endure.
Don’t ever give the role of “best friend” to the person you sleep with, I sternly tell my daughter.
Who will call me if you are in trouble?
Perhaps the greatest taboo of all is to question the ideal of unconditional love of a mother and father for a child.
It shocks when we hear of brave parents disowning the actions of offspring who have committed abominable acts.
Although, children are carelessly abandoned every day.
For solace in the face of his human infidelity, I look to the old-fashioned virtues as qualities that are worth striving for. Ones that can be just as fulfilling as true love: mercy, courage, courtesy, respect, reliability, loyalty, trustworthiness, prudence intention,
diligence and humility.
Why do the Seven Deadly Sins get all the action when the Seven Heavenly Virtues go unremarked upon?
Back from our trip down the shops, I asked my daughter to nominate her favourite love song. She belted out a Tim Minchin lyric: “If I didn’t have you, someone else would do.” Phew!
In turn I sang: “I can’t live, if livin’ is without you!” Harry Nilsson 1972.
Tragic. Isn’t it?
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He has just been named the 2014 winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature, but much of Frenchman Patrick Modiano’s person and work remains unknown to literature fans here. Perhaps this is because the 69-year-old author is publicity shy, and also because only a few of his works have been translated into English.
Here are some interesting facts about this little known author, who has more than 30 books and even movie screenplays to his name.
He loves being ambiguous
His books are often in the detective genre, and English author Rupert Thomson told The Guardian that Modiano frequently depicts “an ambiguous world” in his works, where agendas are kept hidden, memories are a blur, and identities are uncertain.
Even when he talks, Modiano sounds ambiguous.
The Hindustan Times quoted Modiano as having said that his characters are “images from a tapestry that has been woven half asleep”, and on his work, he once used 19th century French writer Stendhal’s quote, saying: “I cannot give you the reality of facts, I can only present the shadow.”
In autobiographical work Pedigree, Modiano also wrote: “I even try to find mystery in things that have none.”
There is a French term named after him
Because he seems so into being mysterious, there is a French term named after him, “modianesque”, that has come to refer to a particularly ambiguous person or situation.
He was an unhappy little boy
He was born in Paris in 1945, to an Italian Jew father Alberto Modiano and a Flemish actress mother Louisa Colpeyn. His father was said to have black market business deals with the Gestapo, the secret police of Nazi Germany, and to have largely abandoned the family. Modiano once described his mother – who was frequently away too as a result of her show tours – as having a heart so cold that her lap-sized chow chow leapt from a window to its death.
Right, very depressing. But his sad childhood does not stop there.
When he was 12, his younger and only brother Rudy died of a disease at age 10.
Modiano later spent many years in boarding schools, and broke off ties with his father when he was 17.
His wedding day was dramatic
He married a woman named Dominique Zehrfuss in 1970, who has authored a French book, Peau de Caniche. They have two adult daughters, Zina and Marie.
In a 2003 interview with Elle, Modiano’s wife is quoted as saying about the day they wed: “It rained. A real nightmare. Our groomsmen… started to argue about Dubuffet (French painter and sculptor Jean Dubuffet), and it was like we were watching a tennis match! That said, it would have been funny to have some photos, but the only person who had a camera forgot to bring the film.
He sounds as though he does not enjoy writing
Modiano has compared writing to driving in a fog: “You don’t know where you’re going, you just know you have to go on.”
In an interview with French newspaper Le Figaro, he was also quoted as saying: “For a long time I’ve had a recurring dream – I dream I don’t have to write anymore, that I’m free. I’m not free, alas, I’m still clearing the same terrain, with the impression that it’s never finished.”
But he is pretty brilliant
Although he makes it sound as though writing is a chore and a burden, he successfully published his first work in 1967 at the tender age of 22.
His first novel La place de l’etoile (The Star’s Place), was a direct reference to the mark of shame inflicted on the Jews during World War II – a yellow cloth patch that they had to sew onto their outer garments to publicly mark themselves as Jews.
He is an extremely detailed and detail-oriented writer
He has been called a “literary archaeologist”, whose works are often set in the period 1940-1944, when France was occupied by Nazi Germany.
His descriptions of wartime Paris are rich in detail, with street and cafe names, and metro stations.
Guardian critic Catherine Taylor, in praise of Modiano, writes: “A truly impressive sifter of apparent ephemera, Modiano pieces together newspaper cuttings, vague testimonies and old telephone directories.”
His work is a challenge to translate
Jordan Stump, a professor of French at the University of Nebraska who translated Modiano’s 1996 novel Out Of The Dark, says the book’s original French title was hard to translate because it meant “from the furthest point of forgotten-ness”.
The Wall Street Journal quotes Stump as describing Modiano’s work in this manner: “There is a kind of poetry in it but it’s very discreet. So if you translate him too plainly, or if you translate him too poetically, you completely lose the voice.”
He dabbled in acting and screenplay
Modiano had a cameo appearance opposite French actress Catherine Deneuve in 1997 movie Genealogies Of A Crime. He played a character called Bob.
Modiano made his screenplay writing debut with the film Lacombe, Lucien in 1974, according to movie database site IMDb. This film focused on an 18-year-old boy’s involvement with the French Gestapo after failing to join the French Resistance.
This was followed by another screenplay, Une Jeunesse, in 1983. More recently, he was one of the writers for Bon Voyage (2003), which also points towards Modiano’s fascination with the Occupation. It is about how an actress, a writer, a student and a government worker work together to escape Paris, as the Nazis occupy the city.
In 2000, he sat on the jury of the Cannes Film Festival.
What he said after being named Nobel Prize winner
According to The Guardian, Modiano heard the news through a phone call from his daughter while he was out walking in Paris. “I was very moved”, he said.
When asked what it meant to be a Nobel laureate, he apparently choked up with emotion and said: “I never thought this would happen to me, it has truly touched me.”
During a packed news conference at the headquarters of his French publisher Éditions Gallimard, Mordiano said: “It felt like looking at a double, as if we were celebrating somebody who had my name.
“I didn’t expect it at all.”
Credit: The Strait Times
I have been dating a man for the past seven months who travels constantly with his job. I am 32 and he is 35.
Because of his work, sometimes we don’t see each other for up to five weeks at a time, then we meet for a few days. I really miss him but it works.
We recently had a frank discussion about sex and both admitted we had slept with another person recently. Strangely, I did not feel any jealousy but my friends have been shouting me down.
I like my set-up – it’s exciting and convenient. Should I have felt some jealousy? I love him just the way he is, but my friends think otherwise. Should I listen to my friends?
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I have a female colleague who has, over the past three years, told me she loves me and would like to marry me. The problem is that I do not love her and I have told her that.
I used to be in a relationship with another girl, but we recently broke up. In April I was at a low point and my colleague visited me and we had sex, and now she is pregnant.
The dilemma I have now is that she insists that I marry her because the child will need a father and a mother.
However I cannot marry her because I do not love her. At the same time I do not want to lose my child.
I also feel betrayed because I think she took advantage of my stresses and now she has leverage. I am not sure if I can forgive her for that.
Please advise what I should do.
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This weekend, after 18 months together, my boyfriend told me that he cared very deeply for me and that we had the best partnership he’d ever experienced, but he did not love me because there was a spark missing.
So he ended things in a kind and mature way. We’re both in our 30s and the entire thing has been kind and mature and caring (and sexy and vulnerable and honest) from the beginning. I’ve dated my share of guys who were bad partners, and this guy was a good one.
And although I am hurt, I get it. I also know that he was always a little bit on the fence about letting me fully into his life. (Literally and metaphorically: Whenever I would go to his apartment there would never be a place for me to sit. He would have clothes and books and projects piled on every single one of his chairs and his sofa.)
So I kept waiting for him to start taking the actions that would let me in, and he kept waiting for the spark that would make him want to move forward. And in the meanwhile we made a fun little team.
In the end, although I am sad that he and I aren’t going to continue our team, I respect him and I get it. And, to be honest, at my core I’m feeling a bit of relief. I want someone who wants to let me in fully.
What is flooring me is the piece about how he didn’t love me. None of the guys I’ve dated long-term have ever loved me. They’ve liked me a gosh-darn awful lot, but boy-oh-boy do they not want to pull out those three little words.
And I think I’m lovable. Both in my innate humanness and in my adult life. I have my shit together. I went to a therapist as a preemptive measure because I knew this most recent boyfriend and I were about to have either the breakup conversation or the “let’s start taking steps toward building a life together” conversation, and I wanted to talk through how to approach both scenarios.
My therapist said, “There’s nothing about you that is getting in your own way. You have remarkable communication and emotional-coping skills, and you and your boyfriend have a highly evolved partnership.” She used the words “highly evolved.” She did warn me that the fact that he wasn’t physically making space for me in his apartment was a red flag, which, you know, I knew. We agreed that whatever happened between me and the boyfriend would happen in a mature and respectful way and that I would be able to handle it vis-à-vis my remarkable coping skills, and all of these things have come true and I’m still not fucking lovable? I should be cherished.
I realize this sounds like a female version of Nice Guy. I’d like to think that there’s a difference between “I’m a good person, why won’t you date me” and “I’m a good partner, why don’t you love me,” but maybe there isn’t. I also know that the big difference between me and Nice Guy is when I get broken up with, I didn’t go, “Whyyyyyyyyyy,” I went, “Okay, that’s sad, but it’s true and right and reasonable.” (Nice Guy doesn’t know what the truth of a relationship is, and I know what the truth of a relationship is. But I ache that the truth is always “I don’t love you, good-bye,” instead of “I love you, but good-bye.”)
I know I am not owed love. I also wonder sometimes if I don’t know what love actually feels like, since so many grown men have told me it’s been missing from our relationships. (One came back a year later and said, “Oh wow, I did not realize that I loved you when we dated, I am so sorry.”)
So, what is love? Why is it missing from my highly evolved partnerships?
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This is a MUST READ for every artist and creative mind!
We hear a lot from the copyleft and opponents of Artist’s Rights that copyright stifles creativity, but this is simply not true. We’re not going to go down the tired road of the arguments about remixing, which can be read in this excellent article at Copyhype titled, “Remix Without Romance.”
The truth is, the best ecosystem for creativity is the one where all stakeholders are compensated. This is why in the early 90s sample clearance statutes were defined, and as a result we’ve seen some of the most innovative music, in the history of recorded music. This creativity has been achieved legally by creating fair and balanced policy. Historically, that is how policy evolves, such as it did with phonographs and radio — when both were getting off the ground, the law eventually recognized that artists have a right to be compensated, and both eventually flourished, also benefiting all…
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CLICK HERE to read from First Episode.
“Oh God; what have I done?” Jumoke sank into a seat in the near-empty class awaiting Dr Awofisibe and his test. “What came over me? No, Jumoke! You didn’t just say that to him… Oh God!” She placed her head on the desk in front of her to hide her tears from her mates just arriving.
She felt empty, it had been her deepest secret since her first year when she met Tunji. She was hoping that luck would smile on her that year (in part three) and Tunji would finally ask her out, but Amaka suddenly came into the picture and she was brushed aside. She had been brave about it at first, she tried her best not to pay much mind to the new development, but her feelings for Tunji were too strong; she couldn’t watch him go with another girl without doing anything; a ‘loose’ girl at that. She confronted Amaka twice but the latter seemed unmoved, and in her bid to fight her way back into his mind, she had carelessly spilled the beans to him. Jumoke tried not to imagine what he would think of her, she felt too ashamed to even face him again. She wanted to avoid him forever.
She opened her notes to revise once more for the test hoping that would make her forget the embarrassment she had brought upon her self. As she turned the pages of her notes, every word seemed to look like the letters making up Tunji’s name. She couldn’t concentrate, she felt terrible.
It was unlike the experience her friends shared whenever they talked about love. Tunji was the first guy she ever fell in love with and she had fantasized about having wonderful moments with him but now, she blamed herself for falling for him and swore never to get close to any guy after him.
Tunji was going crazy. He just wished he could run to the middle of nowhere and have some time to gradually make some sense of his jumbled life. He wondered for how long Jumoke had been hiding her feelings and how he failed to notice for so long. He felt giddy as he processed in his mind all she must have been through to make her confess her love for him.
They had been friends since their first year, they did everything together. She cooked for him most of the time, and they were already regarded by many as a couple. He wondered how she managed to conceal what she felt about him through all of that. He pitied her and suddenly, he wanted to look for her, to tell her he would always be there no matter what.
He rose from his seat and made straight for the test class, knowing quite well that she would be there.
“Mr Lover Man…shaba!” Sunky’s cool voice sang as he appeared behind him.
“Sunky, how far?” Tunji spoke in a distracted voice searching the class for Jumoke with his eyes and pondering if it was wise to tell his friend about the new development.
“Wetin you dey find?” Sunky asked, wondering why Tunji seemed agitated.
“I have a test in a few minutes, I’m looking for my seat partner.” He replied immediately.
“Okay. I wish you the best o…” Sunky responded and stepped away. “I’m through for the day, going to the room to find something to eat.” He added as he continued to walk away.
“Wait….Sunky, please come” Tunji called out and his friend did as asked. “I have a problem ooo”
Amaka was completely frustrated. She had refused to attend classes for that day. It had been a gloomy day; all she could think about was how to raise the money needed for her father to survive. Her mother had been putting so much pressure on her to raise the money and put her elder sister and her ‘stingy’ fiancé to shame. She had called more than twice that day already, asking her to meet her so called ‘uncles’ and ask them to help. Amaka couldn’t tell her mother the implications of what she was saying, she only kept assuring her that she would try to raise the money. She didn’t need anyone to tell her otherwise, she knew Tunji had nothing to offer her in respect of the money, but she wanted to please him.
“I don’t know who will be able to give you such a huge amount of money at once, but I know a man who’s very rich. I met him last week at a party and he gave me 150k for spending the weekend with him. He told me his friends would also love to meet some of my cute friends. That’s why I came to see you. I believe whatever you can raise from there should go a long way in salvaging the situation. We can then think of other sources to raise the rest.” That was Amaka’s friend Ngozi speaking when she visited her earlier that day.
Amaka was queasy about the offer, not because there was no exact promise of raising all the money, but because she suddenly felt the need to stop being with older men to raise money, just as Tunji demanded. She wanted to be good for him. To her, if a guy could still love her despite being aware of her shortcomings, such guy deserved to be loved back and given the best.
Knowing fully well that Tunji would have to come up with an ‘out of this world’ idea to raise 500k-which was very unlikely to happen-the only available option was to take up Ngozi’s offer; she would have to do it one last time. She wished she could find another way, for Tunji; but she was in a true dilemma.
Tunji was exhausted by the time he finished voicing his frustration to his friend. However, he was careful enough not to mention the issue of Jumoke’s confession to him.
Sunkanmi shook his head thoroughly and patted his friend’s back. He wanted to help him, but the kind of help he had to offer wasn’t the type Tunji would readily jump at. He however decided to propose his offer and then leave him to decide.
“I must tell you the truth Teejay, I feel for you o. E don show say u really like this babe but as e be now, the only opportunity wey dey, I no sure if you go fit do am o” Sunky lowered his voice as he slowly pulled Tunji along with him.
“What is it? Tell me. I will do anything to help this girl.” Tunji replied, sounding desperate.
“Follow me” Sunky ordered.
It wasn’t his usual habit but Benjamin didn’t seem to have a choice. He had to talk someone, his situation demanded it. Ordinarily, he would follow his granny’s instruction: ‘talk to God’, but suddenly God seemed too far away to listen or profer a lasting solution. He needed someone who would understand him at once and tell him what to do instantly. After much thought, he chose to speak with his colleagues at work while they were at a club in Ikeja on a Friday evening.
Ben was the first child of his family, his father died when he was in secondary school and he had to take on the huge responsibility of being the man of the house. He had three siblings from his mother and two others from his father’s second wife who also died of heartbreak after her husband’s death. Ben shouldered the responsibility of taking care of his now aged mother and five siblings, life had been far from easy.
He had been dating Ada for five years, but the last three years had seen him cater more to Ada’s family problems than his own family or even his personal development. His mother had been crying out against him to break up with the ‘ekwensu’ he was dating. His siblings tagged him as ‘stingy’, even some of his friends wondered why he had seemed stagnant. Prior to the time he got his job, he was working as a sales boy for a man selling generators, and he made quite a lot, but the larger percentage of his earnings was invested in solving one problem or the other for Ada or her family. To make matters worse, her mother didn’t like him, she wanted her to marry a rich man.
“Mr Ben, I don’t believe this should give you any concern. The situation itself has shown you the best way to solve it. Let this girl go and marry a rich man as her ungrateful mother desires” one of his colleagues advised after listening to his predicament.
“Mr Akeju, I really would have done that, but I have been with this lady for five years. We have gone through a lot together. I can’t ditch her now…” Benjamin defended.
“You are not ditching her, you are only being wise. Your family expects more from you, this girl takes more, yet she has a mother who will stop at nothing to see her marry another! Let me ask you, what will be your lot if eventually her mother manages to convince her to leave you for a rich man? What will be your gain for having stayed so long with her and spending so much money?” Another colleague added.
It was like a veil was lifted from Ben’s face. That was a situation he had never really given a thought. Cold fear gripped him and he seemed helpless.
“Come on guys, let us not complicate matters for this man” the third man sitting with them spoke, “he is truly in love with this girl, the only problem he has is that he’s not striking a balance between her and his family. What I’ll advise you, within my own wisdom, is that you should draw a line and strike a balance between making your family happy as much as you can, and helping your fiancée as much as God gives you grace” he submitted.
“Forget love when there is not enough money, and when you have a bad mother in law. If you ask for my opinion on this, I think you should let her go now that it would be very easy to get over her, than wait for her to throw the bombshell at you when it would seem like your whole world is crashing down.” The last man sitting seemed to have won the case, because majority of those seated nodded in affirmation, even Ben seemed to agree with him.
He went home that night with a troubled mind. Ada had been a wonderful lady, but her family problems were too much to marry along with her. His mother had stopped talking to him for over six months, giving him a standing order to leave Ada, whom she termed a witch, or risk being disowned. She didn’t want a daughter in law that would make her son forget his family.
All Ben’s pleas to her had fallen on deaf ears as she would not change her position.
At exactly 10:25pm, he got into his apartment and crashed on the old cushion he had been hoping to change at the end of the month, before having to divert the funds meant for it to Ada. The cushion added to the effect of the advice of his colleagues as it reminded him of what he needed to do.
Ada was battling with her mother at the hospital. She was also at her tethers end with her.
“Why have you refused to withdraw the money your husband sent for your father’s treatment? Or has he changed his mind?” Mama challenged.
Ada wasn’t surprised at Mama’s words anymore, she had become accustomed to her callousness. This time however, she was prepared to give her a match.
“Why should I withdraw the money? Didn’t you say it was too small? I decided to return the money to the owner, when he has enough to cover the expenses, he’ll send.” Ada responded coldly without looking in her mother’s direction.
“Adamma! What has come over you?” Mama was shocked, “even if the money wasn’t enough for your father’s treatment, won’t we eat or even provide some basic drugs for him from the money?”
“That’s where you still get it wrong Mama, the money Ben sent was for treatment, and not for food! But you scorned the money, saying it was too small, and he has decided to send all the money when he can afford it, even if it will take twenty years.” Ada packed the clothes she had been folding together and walked away from her mother.
“Now I see the conspiracy between you and your husband. I am not surprised, I always knew this day will come when you’ll grow large wings and begin to fly. But one thing I should let you know is that it won’t last long before your wings will be truncated! When my daughter arrives with the money, you and your poor husband will be put to shame!” Mama threw the words at Ada and left her in the ward.
Ada’s courage seemed to wane off at the mention of her sister. She wanted desperately to weep, but the tears refused to flow. Amaka had a lot of promise, but Mama was driving her towards destruction. She had tried so many times to talk to her sister, but Mama’s influence upon her had been too strong. She silently prayed that her sister would not fall into the ditch their mother was ignorantly leading her to.
Her phone rang at that moment and realizing it was Ben on the line gave her much relief. With excitement, she answered the call.
“Hello darling”
“Hello Ada, how are you doing this evening?”
“I’m fine… Mama and Papa send their gratitude for the money you sent”
“Its okay. May God grant him total healing. How’s he faring now?”
“We thank God, he’s not getting worse, at least.”
“Alright…” Ben paused, his courage to speak suddenly waned, he couldn’t bring himself to say what he intended to say.
“Ben, what’s wrong? You don’t really sound well.” Ada inquired, sounding quite worried.
“Nothing really. I am fine. Just that….” He stopped again.
“Just that what?”
“Err… Just that we need to talk… and it’s serious.”
To Be Continued Next Week………..
Olumide Lawrence (@motivei8ht)
Edited by: Olarinde Samuel (@oluxammie05)
Question of the week: “Will Ben Be Right Or Wrong To Break Up With Ada?”
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The script for Jobs, the new movie starring Ashton Kutcher as the visionary Apple co- founder, is heavy with quotes that reflect Jobs’
business philosophy and approach to life. Here is a list of the ten best quotes from the movie and what they can teach us about leadership, creativity, communications, and success.
1. “I’m not dismissing the value of higher
education; I’m simply saying it comes at the
expense of experience.”
According to Jobs film director, Joshua Michael
Stern, Steve Jobs felt that life experiences were
critical to being creative. “Jobs believed in
taking life experiences and using it as a subtext
for something else you’re doing, like helping to
form the product you’re creating,” said Stern.
This is one of the most powerful success
principles we can learn from Steve Jobs: a
broad set of life experiences is essential for
creativity to flourish.
2. “The greatest artists like Dylan, Picasso and Newton risked failure. And if we want to be
great, we’ve got to risk it too.”
Steve Jobs didn’t hesitate to take risks. If he
wanted something, he would ask, even at a
young age. When Jobs was twelve years old he
called up HP co-founder Bill Hewlett and asked
for spare parts. Hewlett gave Jobs the parts and
a summer job. “You’ve got to be willing to crash
and burn. If you’re afraid of failing, you won’t
get very far,” Jobs once said. “Most people
never pick up the phone and call. Most people
never ask, and that’s what separates the people
who do things from the people who just dream
about them.” I’ve rarely interviewed a
successful entrepreneur or CEO who hasn’t
risked failure. In fact most successful people
don’t even see ‘failure;’ they see a result that
didn’t have the intended outcome.
3. “How does somebody know what they want if they haven’t even seen it?”
Jobs believed in building great products that he would want to use himself. To a large extent he
had a point. For example, in 2010 how many of us would have asked for a third device in between a laptop and a smartphone? Most people would never have asked for an iPad, but
once millions of consumers saw it, they couldn’t live without it, and it opened up entirely new categories of business applications. When I spent one year researching a book on the Apple Store, I learned that Jobs revolutionized the retail business because he asked better questions. For example, Jobs did not ask, “How do we build a better store than our competitors?” Instead he asked, “How do we reinvent the store?” Don’t do things better; do things differently.
4. “Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you, and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use.”
Ashton Kutcher likes this quote so much he used it in a short speech at a recent award show, explaining that it’s one of the most profound things he learned while preparing for the role as Steve Jobs. The rest of the quote is equally as profound: “When you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life and try not to bash into the walls too much…that’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact—everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you…shake off this erroneous notion that life is there and you’re just going to live in it versus make your mark upon it. Once you learn that, you will never be the same again.” Don’t just live a life; build one.
5. “I would rather gamble on our vision than make a ‘me, too’ product.”
Steve Jobs believed in dreaming big. In the
1970s personal computers were relegated to the
hobbyist market. Jobs had the vision of ‘putting
a computer in the hands of everyday people.’
He once said that Xerox could have dominated
the entire computer industry because Xerox
scientists in Palo Alto’s PARC research facility
were developing the first graphical user
interface. Jobs said Xerox failed because its
“vision” was limited to making another copy
machine. Never underestimate the power of a
bold vision to move your career and the world
forward.
6. “We’ve got to make the small things
unforgettable.”
The devil’s in the details and few people were
more obsessed with details than Jobs. We’ve all
heard stories of Jobs driving his engineers crazy
because he didn’t like the aesthetic of something inside the computer that nobody would ever see. Everything mattered. I recall visiting a cardboard box manufacturing facility in Modesto, California, to prepare for a keynote
speech to industry executives. This company
made boxes for Apple products. One factory manager said out of the thousands of brands they made boxes for, none were more particular than Apple. Steve Jobs demanded that the details of the box, the tactile design, had to be just right. The edges had to look and even feel a certain way. When customers opened an iPhone box, it had to set the tone for the experience. Far too many people and businesses overlook the details and the customer experience with the brand inevitably suffers. Details matter.
7. “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round peg in the square holes. The ones who see things differently…they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.”
Jobs once said that what made the Macintosh
great was the fact that the people he chose to
work on the system were “musicians, and
poets, and artists, and zoologists, and historians
who also happened to be computer scientists.”
It’s a profound insight that speaks to building
creative teams. Today it’s common for many
companies to overlook creative individuals
because they don’t fit in a hiring box. Jobs didn’t just think differently; he hired differently. See genius in diversity. Hire outside your industry from time to time.
8. “You’ve got to have a problem that you want to solve; a wrong that you want to right.”
I considered Steve Jobs one of the world’s greatest corporate presenters because he always explained the problem that his product would solve. The introduction of iTunes Music Store in 2003 is perhaps the best example of this approach. In one presentation Steve Jobs turned around public opinion, convincing customers that it was in their best interest to pay for something (songs) that they could otherwise get for free at the time. Your audience needs to understand the problem your idea solves. Don’t leave them guessing. Explain it clearly.
9. “It [what you choose to do] has got to be something that you’re passionate about because otherwise you won’t have the perseverance to see it through.”
Steve Jobs believed that passion was a critical
component of success. He talked about the role
of passion constantly, so it’s no surprise that
this quote would appear in ‘Jobs’, the film. The
2005 Steve Jobs commencement address at
Stanford University has been viewed millions of
times and it’s the event where his thoughts on
passion are most clearly articulated. Jobs told
the graduates that day, “You’ve got to find what
you love… Your work is going to fill a large part
of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work.
And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep
looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the
heart, you’ll know when you find it.” This could
very well be the greatest piece of career advice
ever given, with the exception of #10.
10. “In your life you only get to do so many
things and right now we’ve chosen to do this,
so let’s make it great.”
This quote is the best advice Jobs ever gave to
Disney’s Chief Creative Officer, John Lasseter.
Well before he became Disney’s chief animator,
Lasseter recalls his first meeting with Steve Jobs
after Jobs bought Pixar in 1986. Lasseter was
working on a short film at the time and, at the
end of the meeting, Lasseter says Steve Jobs
asked him to do one thing: “Make it great.” The
short, Tin Toy, went on to win the first academy
award ever given for computer animation and
set the foundation for what later would become
Toy Story. Lasseter has told the story publicly a
few times, most recently in an emotional tribute at Disney’s D23 Expo. Lasseter said those three words—make it great—have applied to every frame of every Pixar movie he worked on.
Is everything you do as great as it could be? This could very well be the most important question you ask yourself as a leader. Your customers deserve nothing less. Don’t just make it; make it great.
GlowVille Crew
Culled from: http://www.forbes.com
In my little sojourn on earth, despite being less of a ‘waka-waka’ type, I have met some really crazy people. I’m glad about it because they have all shown me the dynamism that comes with life. Here’s a new one, a ‘weirdo’ I must confess, but best of all, he’s a bundle of talents.
Let’s meet DIWANNA.
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Who’s Diwanna?
My real name is Adedayo Olugbemi. A young man (much younger at heart) who’s blessed with such unconventional thinking that you could easily believe he’s from the Andromeda Galaxy. He hails from a corner of Kogi state. Character-wise, he’s a cross between Perry Como and Eminem. He’s a blogger, a voice over artiste, a video editor and a Video Director.
That is one of the dopest introductions I have come across. You are such a versatile person, how do you keep up with the multi-facets of your life?
How I keep up? I just stay on spot, the facets meet me.
So much about you to talk about, but let me start with your blog. It really strikes me a lot. What’s your inspiration as a writer?
Hmmm, my inspiration… I’v been asked that so many times. I just write what I feel should be written and/or shared.
Nice one. I was recently opportune to watch a music video directed by you. It was Tee Blink’s ‘Lasgidi Boy’. Tell us about that experience.
I have directed two videos actually, the other one is awaiting release. The experience (with Lasgidi Boy) was not so pleasant. There were too many dissapointments with props. Eventually we had to work with what was on set and I was under immense pressure. I couldn’t even express all my ideas on the video.
Really? I hardly noticed all these setbacks in that video. It was a very good piece, a job well done. You have been in this game for sometime now, what will you say is your ‘Style’ as a video director?
Simple and vivid to the letter. I love natural enviroments. So I rather shoot a video in a natural setting and I play with camera movements, I prefer that to graphics. I mean, graphics is cool but I try to make a video that let’s the camera, with its movements tell a story that’s as good as possible.
You aren’t just a video director, you edit videos too. How did you come about that?
I started as an editor. I actually learnt it myself back in school. It was just out of curiosity, though I’ve always had ideas for clips. Anyway, when I started getting corperate jobs and was left with the directing works, I just had to step up.
You are a bundle of talent, and definitely a model to many people. Do you have a model, or mentor of your own?
Wow, me, a model. One advice, don’t make me your model, I’m crazy! That being said, I like people who are realists and down to earth. I like ‘wacky’ people too, I mean ‘pseudo-loco’ people.
Seriously, you are such a weird being. Let me ask what you think of the Nigerian entertainment industry, is there something you would love to change about it?
The Nigerian entertainment industry is divided into two: Music and Film. The music industry has grown in leaps and bounds since I first thought of joining it. Back then, a lot of my friends thought I was a rather good and witty composer and singer. Now I might not be able to cope if I enter into it. Songs I hear on radio are just awesome. But then we have them in the minority, its the no-sense AKA ‘club banger’ songs that get more airplay. In general though, the music industry is now internationally known and that is very good. Now to the film industry. This is also picking up as really talented folks come onboard and do what should be done for a movie to be considered ready for release. If left in the hands of Chukwudi, we’d never go beyond where we were in 2000. We have more good directors now.
About what I would like to change. That would definitely be the profanity in the music industry, its way too much. Artistes can sing without mentioning such obscenities. Its possible. Yea, sure, many people love it but it shouldn’t be. And I see the need to also regulate these works. Kids shouldn’t listen to them.
Who’s your favorite entertainment icon in Nigeria and overseas?
My entertainment icon would be, and this is because I love humour, Paul Simon. That’s if I pick one icon, if more then BeeGees, Fleetwood Mac, UB40, Sting and so on. My Nigerian icon(s) will be Orlando Julius, Majek Fashek and Oritz Wiliki.
Great icons you have mentioned. Permit me to single out one of them, who has been subject of media reports very recently. Why Majek Fashek?
Yes, I knew you would ask that. I grew up listening to him, you see, i’m a sucker for good music and Majek Fashek did just that, gave good music. I won’t rule him out. Do not have the image of the drugged up Majek we all saw in dailies and on the internet some time ago, keep that aside and focus on the younger, vibrant one. Though, they’re conflicting reports as to his true condition. I heard a yoruba radio presenter say he was at an event where he saw Majek Fashek and he looked “OK”, so I don’t know which to settle with. But no matter his condition, Majek is an icon.
Wow, that ryhmes! I think I should go back to writing songs!
Funny you! Is Diwanna working on any project for now?
At the moment I’m making a documentary for a corperate organization.
What will be your own little advice to youths out there who have it in them and want to harness their talents.
My advice has and will always be – be true to you, people will say you can’t do something but indeed you can, I tell you that.
And please quit following the crowd, you aren’t a sheep, you’re human. Do things that will work your brain and make you come up with something distinct.
Thank you very much Diwanna. Its been really great talking with you.
My pleasure.
Diwanna’s blog – http://DayoViews.wordpress.com
Here’s the link to his recently directed music video: http://t.co/2E6HyX4zmu
Contact Diwanna: 08071025016, 07033129727
Mail: adedayoOlugbemi@gmail.com
Twitter: @diiwana
BBM: 22AE6004
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Olumide Lawrence
Twitter: @glowblog @motivei8ht @olabisivan @jadesolapearl
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BBM: 27AA7583
08038273738
When I sat next to this damsel at an audition in 2011, somewhere in Ikeja, little did I know that I was sitting with a STAR. Two years after, her name has risen above many heights and now, she has gone beyond being just a star… She’s now a HEROINE!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Permit me to introduce you to
Frances
FRANCES OKEKE
Actress, Blogger, Scriptwriter, and CEO.
Frances Okeke hails from Imo state. A graduate of Foreign Languages (French) from the University of Benin. She also has a Diploma certificate in Systems Engineering from Florintech Computers.
Frances has been an avid reader from her primary school days, and that has greatly influenced and sharpened her skill as a writer. She has a blog (www.francesbox.blogspot.com) you need just a visit to be convinced of her abilities as a writer – a knowledgeable one at that.
She has worked as a columnist for WOW Magazine and also worked as an IT at Guaranty Trust Bank for a while during her university days.
Having graduated with a degree in French in, she decided to go after a childhood fancy during her service year.
Frances launched her acting career in 2011. She has appeared in movies and soaps like Family Ties, Dear Mother, The Benjamins, Time of our Lives, Behind the Smile, Married but living single, B for Boy, an igbo flick and Second Chance, a radio drama.
Her credibility as an actress and scriptwriting is not to be questioned when you realize that she attended Amaka Igwe’s Centre for Excellence in Film and Media Studies to study screenwriting. She also attended the Lagos Finishing School. This influenced her decision to start a blog (www.francesbox.blogspot.com) where she writes on inspiration, real talk and relationships.
Her writing abilities soon began to receive the much deserved recognition and reward when She won the Homevida 2012 Award for a family friendly/children short screenplay titled ‘Dream Poetic’.
winner.
It might interest you to know also that Frances was also in the top 50 of the MTN business ‘ The Next Titan Entrepreneurial reality Tv Show’.
Now, where’s all these leading us to?
Frances is currently on a project which deserves the applause and support of everyone.
She has just recently established a company called ‘The Stimme Company Ltd’ which is dedicated to the psychological and social development of kids and teenagers via informal education. The company provides workshops, media, content,motivational speaking, counseling and consulting all for kids and teens.
Frances believes that young people, especially teens, who are going through a lot emotionally and psychologically, trying to understand their new bodies and feelings ,with zillions of questions, need guidance and help understanding themselves and molding to the adults they would become and build a better Nigeria.
WOW! Isn’t it? This amazing HEROINE needs the support of the general populace in informing and reforming the minds of the kids and teenagers.
To be part of this success, send a mail to thestimmecompanyltd@gmail.com
Frances.cokeke@yahoo.com
See you all at the top.
Naija’s Got Talent Indeed!!!
For more interesting articles, please click on the following links:
Love & Relationships.
This award winning actor, and fast rising musician talks about his background, his career, his relationships, and his forthcoming album in the interview with the GLOWnaija crew
Enjoy.
G Fresh
GABRIEL AFOLAYAN.
Actor and Singer.
Studio6 Multimedia Entertainment.
Background:
I was born into the family of late Adeyemi Afolayan (Ade Love). I hail from Kwara state. We are five in the movie industry. One of us is Kunle Afolayan, producer of award winning Irapada and Araromire (figurine).
When did you begin professionally as an entertainer?
I have been doing this for more than two decades. I started at a very tender age.
Your family is a family of entertainment. Virtually all your siblings are in the movies. Did that make you decide to also go into movies?
No. It is my own decision and of course dad’s legacy was sure. Beyond it being a legacy for us, it was a normal thing to do. It was part of us.
Was your father a singer or an actor?
Fortunately, he did both during his lifetime. My being in both fields just like him, is an element of the GOD factor.
Your debut single “Kokoro Ife” has received wide acceptance in the market. Did you anticipate the success?
Sincerely, I didn’t see it coming. But I knew there was something unique about the song.
What’s your philosophy of life, as an entertainer?
Don’t stop believing…and it will effect your change.
Your music can be categorized into which genre?
RNB soul.
As an actor cum singer, do you face any challenges dealing with both?
No challenges. My management (Cream entertainment) sees to that.
Your latest single, AWELEWA, which is already making waves in the market, becomes your fifth released single. Should we expect an album soon?
We are looking into that at the moment. Anticipate.
Are you in a relationship?
No. Still me.
Surprising! I don’t expect that status to remain same for too long, especially after now.
That kain thing.
You are a thespian. What is your advise to fellow thepians, and other aspiring entertainers out there?
Guide ur hustle and remain prayerful.
Thank you very much. It’s been nice talking to you.
You’re welcome.
Gabriel recently won an award in the recently held Amaa awards for the best actor in a supporting role.
Congratulations Gabriel.
Download Gabriel’s tracks.
1. KOKORO IFE (LOVE BUG) http://hulkshare.com/neyyjtwrsh3f
CLUB 09. http://t.co/g6AtHHwy
DA YAN MO. http://hu.lk/jk4bqvhfecxs
KOKORO IFE (VIDEO) http://t.co/2X28VfbG
Follow Gabriel Afolayan on twitter @g_freshbaba.
Just in case you haven’t been following this story from episode 1, you can read by clicking on this link highlighted below:
Cupid’s Quandary.
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‘Miles apart, close to heart’. Such was the case of Bimbo’s return to Dafe. Events surrounding their relationship is quite an interesting one. Bimbo resumed camp late, she arrived Rivers State NYSC camp a day after the final camp registration for prospective corp members. Things were definitely not going to be rosy immediately as she wasn’t allocated a room yet. She had no place to put her belongings, which was just a little traveling bag and a handbag. She had to sleep in the pavilion for the night and resume registration first thing the next morning. That night, she missed Frank. She knew she would have to spend the service year getting accustomed to not having him by her side, but the mere thought of it scared her. She made a resolution to make sure there is constant phone communication between them. They spoke that night on phone and yet again, renewed their vows to be faithful. Little did Bimbo know that her resolve was to be tested in the following weeks.
Registration was tough for Bimbo because she had to keep up with parade activities as well. When she finally managed to finish with the registration, she had problems with the room she was given. It was a spacious room though, but it was too crowded, and the only available bunk space was not good. She was advised to see the camp director after having tried other quarters to no avail. Her visit to the camp director's office set the tone for what was going to be a tale of twists and turns.
Dafe is a tall, handsome young man. He is highly charismatic, and has a very high persuasive skill. His ability to put smiles on people's faces is what endears a lot of people to him. He was in the camp director's office as a representative of Shell Nigeria. He had come to finalize terms on how his company would sponsor "Miss Shell" one of the social activities of camp for corp members. They were rounding up when Bimbo knocked and was asked to come in. Dafe's case was that of "Love at first voice" because what made him look behind him in the first place was the sweet "Good afternoon sir" he heard. On turning to see who's got the blessed voice, he was further mesmerized with a better face to match. He was captured! Bimbo laid her complaint without noticing the man in front of her who kept looking back to catch a glimpse of her face. The camp director asked her to wait outside, he wanted finalize with Dafe first. She had been waiting for ten minutes when Dafe came out. He stopped her, and tried to talk to her but she was not willing to talk because she had more pressing matters. He managed to give her his card and promised to visit the camp again soon.
Bimbo was able to resolve her room issues, she was keeping contact with Frank, telling him about all that went on in camp except telling him about Dafe; she felt that was not necessary. She wasn't dating Dafe, but he visited her often and they were always at the mammy market most of the time. He once tried to persuade her to take an exeat to leave camp so they could hangout in town, but she bluntly declined. She told him everything also, except telling him she had a fiance in Frank! Their relationship was blossoming, they always looked forward to seeing each other and had maximum fun when he came. Bimbo was beginning to see Dafe in a different light. His charms were working on her. She had been with Frank for five years, but suddenly she wanted adventure; she wanted to be with a different guy, she wanted to take a break. Exactly two weeks after arriving camp, she kissed a different guy for the first time in five years!
The guilt that followed her kiss with Dafe was immense. It haunted her everywhere she went. She couldn't call him because she feared he would find out somehow if she spoke to him, she wasn't picking his calls either. Mysteriously, the guilt seemed to disappear each moment Dafe comes around. They kissed several times more, and it got intense each time. She was fully immersed in the aura of Dafe's presence, but Frank lived in her heart. At the end of camp, she was posted to Shell, closer to Dafe than ever. She was treated like a queen on arriving her Place of Primary Assignment, and given everything she needed to have a comfortable service year. It was only a matter of time before Bimbo decided to damn all consequences and stay with Dafe. Not even Frank's visit to Port-Harcourt was able to bring her back to her senses. She wanted adventure, she got it and she was enjoying it.
Five years can never be compared to five months. Bimbo was definitely going to miss her first love, and she did. The burning desire for Dafe waxed cold, and it was only then she confessed to Dafe about Frank and how she missed him and wanted to see him again. Dafe was angry, but decided not to take it out on her. He told himself "if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they are definitely yours." So he asked Bimbo to return to Frank. He nurtured little hopes of seeing her again, but always looked forward to hear from her. His prayers were answered on the day Dennis told Bimbo to leave, as Frank had moved on with another lady. Bimbo had no one else to turn to except Dafe. She resolved in her heart to stick it out with Dafe and let go of Frank, after all it was what she deserved.
Dafe was never going to let her go the second time. He immediately began wedding plans in his head. He made Bimbo meet members of his family just the second day she returned to Port-Harcourt, and made her highly comfortable. Frank was not fading fast in her memory, rather she was nurturing hatred for him! She hated him for deceiving her that he loved her when he had already moved on with someone else. She was grateful to Dennis for telling her the cold truth and saving her from disgrace. She refused to pick Frank's calls but sent him a message not to call her again.
Dafe wanted the perfect opportunity to propose formally to Bimbo; the perfect opportunity had to be Bimbo getting pregnant, but he received his own share of heartbreak soon enough.
The night before, they had sex. He had to persuade Bimbo before she let him do it. He did it anyway, but not with the satisfaction he wanted. He wondered why he had to beg her. Something was amiss so he confronted her the next morning.
“You still think about him, don’t you?”
“I don’t understand what you are talking about Dafe” she snapped back.
“Really? What we had over the night was not sex, it was rape as far as I’m concerned. Because I had to force you into it. And I begin to wonder why at this stage of our relationship, I should beg my fiancee – in quote – for sex!” He said in a manner that revealed all the disappointment in him.
“I’m sorry Dafe. I just was not in the mood. Please try to understand.”
“Of course, I do.” He retorted. His arms were behind him all the while. He brought his left hand forward, he had something in his hands, and raised it high for Bimbo to see. Then he went on to speak,
“You’ll also have to make me understand why you used this pills after sex last night!”
Frank left Ibadan, where he had gone to visit his mother, very early on monday morning. He wanted to get to the office to sort out some files which should be delivered to the MD for signing. On his way, his mind shuffled through events of the past weekend as well as the past months since Bimbo's service year began. His mother was right, Bimbo is an infidel. If she could forgo a relationship of five years within three weeks, she's not worth spending the rest of his life with. On the other hand is Sandra. However cunning, she knew what she wanted, and she made sure she got it. Even if he didn't love her now, he knew he would have to learn to do that. After all, she comes with a package. She'll make his dreams of traveling out of the country come true, give him a job security among other things he hasn't even thought about. His mother's advise was perfect, he finally agreed with her. He decided in his mind to go back to Sandra and apologize for treating her bad.
On arriving office, he quickly did what he needed to do. The MD wasn't around so he submitted the files to his secretary, and quickly made his way out of the office. All he wanted to do was see Sandra, and ask for her forgiveness. He decided to give her a call to know where she was, because she also wasn't at work that morning, which was quite unusual of her. He picked up his phone only to realize he already had several missed calls from Dennis. He then remembered Dennis called him the day before. He called him back but there was no response. He checked Dennis at his office, but he got there to discover that he also hadn't reported to work that morning. He was baffled, so he decided to check him at his place. He was wondering what might have happened to Dennis. Why did he make such a distress call, and why won't he go to work on a monday morning?
He drove into Dennis' compound at about half past ten in the morning. His flat was in the middle block, so he went straight to his apartment. He met the door opened, the television was on but no one in the living room. Dennis' phone was lying on the rug, and there was an unfinished meal on the dining table. He called out to him casually, and sat on the couch.
“Guy, you no serious ooo, see as you leave everything open.” He said while reducing the volume of the television. He waited a moment, but got no answer.
“Guy, na bathroom you dey? Abi you dey shit? I dey wait you o!”. He listened intently, expecting a reply, but it was all silent. He quickly put way the thought of Dennis having a lady in his bedroom on a monday morning since he did not see anything belonging to a lady in the living room. But he decided to check his room anyway.
He turned the knob, but the door refused to open. He checked and found out that the door was locked, but there was a key on it. He turned the key, and opened the door…. And there was Dennis, lying on the floor, in a pool of blood, stone DEAD!!!
Season Finale comes up next week….. Stay connected. (•͡.̮~͡)
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You can read the previous episodes of this story from the
link below:
Bimbo, Frank, Sandra.
"Sandra is like a daughter to me. What affects her equally affects me. I don't know how you both have been running your relationship, but I know you are not doing as good as I expected "
"We don't have a relationship yet sir!" Frank retorted, totally forgetting he was talking to the MD.
"But she's pregnant! Are you going to deny that it isn't yours?" The MD said with a stern look.
Frank was immediately dumb-founded. Not that he couldn’t speak further, but he suddenly feared the consequences of saying what was on his mind. It will be dangerous to tell the MD that he doesn’t love Sandra. He knew it was make or break for him; he either accepts the pregnancy or face the consequences of rejecting it. Bimbo has gone again, leaving Sandra will be foolhardy. After carefully considering his chances, he thought he had decided on what he felt was best for his future, but the MD bailed him out by speaking first.
"I understand how a man is expected to react to such a news, especially when he's not prepared for such. But I have this covered. I suggest both of you should have a weekend getaway somewhere far from here. Just the two of you...alone!"
To Frank, that was the perfect opportunity for him…to buy time. He needs to look for Bimbo. He needs to look into her face one last time and ask her if she wants to stay. Life with Sandra may not be what he had always dreamed of, but it will be much better than sticking it out with someone who flips in and out of his life. That was what Dennis had told him the previous night when he called. His whole life was in a mess, and for once, his resolve to go see his mother became the most important decision he has made in the past six months.
"I like the idea sir. I believe it will help us understand each other better and make us find a foundation for a relationship. But sir, I plead that you give me some time to think about it."
"No problem with that, you can go think about it, but do not take too long."
Frank was happy. He now has some time to make his final decision. All he needs his to talk with his mother. He decided in his mind that he will follow whatever she advises him to do. He was two steps to the door when the MD called out.
"Sandra told me about your relationship with some girl. I believe this time you have asked for will help you make the decision best for you. Good luck young man."
"You promised me that you were going to get rid of her permanently. Why is she still around him?"
Sandra was totally enraged. She knows she still has a lot to do if Frank is going to be hers, and she is ready to give her all.
"Believe me, I spoke to her. I told her she had lost out, and it was just a waste of time sticking around. She has left, and I'm sure that this time around, she has left for good!"
"But Frank is still after her. Your job was to talk him out of searching for her. I can't see anything you have done which justifies the money I paid you."
The heat in the car was getting too much for Dennis to bear. He regretted accepting the offer to help Sandra.
She had called him that fateful evening and they agreed to meet at a place which was now their usual place of meeting. She offered him a cheque that day, and he promised to help her make sure that Bimbo doesn’t return, and in extension, Frank forgets about her totally.
"Give me some more time please. I will do everything possible to make sure Frank is yours. Your pregnancy is your joker, make sure you use it. I'll play my part by convincing him to forget about that girl, and focus on you."
Sandra took a long pause, she switched on the engine of the car and moved. The surprised Dennis quickly asked, “where are we going to?”
"Well, I have to tell you the truth. I'm not pregnant! But I must get pregnant as soon as possible since he already believes it. Frank will not sleep with me again, I need someone to do that."
"Wh....wh....wh...what are you talking about?" Dennis was sweating profusely.
"Your job just got an extension!" Sandra replied and sped off.
Bimbo checked her wristwatch the seventh time in the last two minutes. She was growing impatient. All she wanted to do was run into DAFE’s arms and feel his touch of comfort all over her. At least that was all she could hope for after what Dennis had told her. She felt guilty, but she also believed it was the right punishment for her. It didn’t come as a shock to her that Frank, whom she still loves, has moved on with another lady. She earlier told herself that she will live the rest of her life regretting the day she decided to take a break from Frank.
Bimbo had been waiting for an hour when Dafe arrived in his SUV. He is a tall, dark, and very handsome man. Always looking official in his fitted suit and nice shoes. Coming out of his car, his eyes went straight in search for Bimbo. He found her minutes later and hugged her tightly.
"I'm so glad to have you back Bimbo. I thought I was never going to see you again." His voice was full of emotion. He led her towards the car immediately.
"Like you predicted, he moved on. I have to move on too. It hurts, but I'm sure I'll be over it. No matter how long." Bimbo spoke weakly, and it took the hug from Dafe to release the tears that had been trapped in her eyes.
"Everything will be alright dear. I let you go because I needed you to go find out for yourself if love still existed for you in his heart. But now that you are back, I'm not letting go...never, ever!!!"
"Thank you Dafe. Thank you."
"I love you, Bimbo"
She stopped crying, looked into his eyes and said “I will learn to love you, Dafe.”
To Be Continued Next Week.
If you have any suggestions or complaints, please leave your comments in the box below.
Thanks.
Motivei8ht Crew.
For articles on Love and Relationships, click:
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BBM: 27AA7583.
08105950155, 08038273738.
Vous le sentez dans votre abdomen. Vous êtes commence à question la confiance vous avez construit avec la durable chérie qui vous ont été consacrés à pendant une longue période. Dans le cas où vous commencer à suspect ou fret que le partenaire est triche, que ce soit à votre lieu de travail, en ligne ou avec un ami vous ne serez jamais respecté, il est important de watch the intuition, while être raisonnable, as well.
Tricherie comme vous le pouvez montrer peut être difficile à continuer à revenir depuis comme un ou deux, mais donc peut accuser quelqu’un d’être infidèle sans aucun recherche. Le fondement chaque relation est basée sur un réel regard, affection et inébranlable confiance en votre partenaire, et quelque chose que veut menacer que link n’est pas seulement délicat, mais peut aboutir à beaucoup de blessé sentiments, aussi.
Heureusement individuellement, nous parlé avec praticiens, engagement experts et rencontres en ligne mentors à reconnaître le grand indicateurs que votre gf est tricher. Nous en plus notons conseils simples pour identifier différents infidélité et les moyens de traiter la paranoïa dans le cas où votre compagnon vraiment hasn ‘ t accompli quelque chose faux.
Rappelez-vous, à tout moment le centre est en fait associé à quelque chose, ces désagréables et pourraient être désagréables scénarios est très difficile à. Faites preuve de patience avec vous-même (plus compagnon), faire attention à vos intuition, et passer à comprendre le détails avant de faire quoi que vous pourriez être désolé.
Voici ce que vous devez comprendre à propos de her tricher possibilités.
Si vous avez été enclin à hack avant, c’était réellement le plus probable parce que vous planifiiez dormir avec une autre personne, droit?
Qui pourrait ne jamais être qui se passe pour le petite amie. Alors que les hommes sont d’être devenir réels avec une autre femme, les femmes sont plus sujettes à être influencées sur plus sombre côté par difficile connection . Même si cela pourrait ne pas se sentir comme bouleversant, glisser fou comme opposé à glisser dans dormir est communément une version tricherie.
“La principale différence de émotionnelle et physique infidélité est le modalité ou comment personne triche », états genre et connexion spécialiste Courtney Geter. “mental infidélité ne habituellement intégrer réel toucher et physique tricher ne toujours inclure émotions. À titre d’exemple, physique tricher indique un type de réel toucher si c’est rapport sexuel, oral rapport sexuel, baiser, holding, etc. ”
“psychologique infidélité peut être profond, personal conversation dans un choix de individu soit par messagerie, “elle comprend. “mental infidélité est subjectif vers votre individu ou paire. A titre d’exemple, juste ce que n’importe qui peut penser franchir la ligne ne peut pas déranger un autre individu. Il est important pour partenaires d’aller plus loin qu’est exactement autorisé à quitter le partenariat et qui au début. Souvenez-vous que les deux types de tricherie et fusion dans lequel il y avait à la fois psychologique et physique infidélité l’un avec l’autre. ”
Quoi exactement pourrait-être considéré psychologique infidélité? Sarah Schewitz, une psychologue autorisée clinique, donne quelques exemples qui peut mix frontieres:
Prêt pour tout symptômes qu’elle pourrait être tricher? Ici même, les professionnels lay it.
Alors que votre partenaire pourrait juste être occupé avec jongler avec les horaires de travail, qui le rend au yoga cours et regarder fille copines , si elle est pas vous dire à propos de femme heure, absolument la possibilité elle est dire quelqu’un d’autre. Certain, length will make one heart develop fonder, mais si elle plus croit à téléphoner quand quelque chose bon, pauvre, drôle, ridicule ou terrible arrive, il pourrait être temps pour vous réfléchir leur parce que elle a une autre personne pour ceci. Une approche de le transporter vers le haut est toujours à lui permettre de découvrir comment beaucoup vous négliger leur, putain.
“Elle pourrait être excessivement stressée à propos de n’importe quoi sans rapport à votre relation, elle pourrait être contrariée à propos de quelque chose vous avez fait, ou elle pourrait sentir tu seras emportant dehors et elle ne sait pas comment consulter vous à ce sujet », dit Schewitz. “une chose très importante accomplir est lui demander|leur|le fille|cette dame|la dame} qu’est-ce que tu fais. Dites quelque chose comme – Hey girl, j’ai observé vous apparaître un éloigné récemment. Je négligence se sentir près de chez vous. Y aura-t-il une chose vous avez l’intention de explorer ou quelque chose comme ça je pourrais vraiment faire pour apporter nous tous mieux les uns avec les autres encore une fois? ‘”
Quand tu peux créer à quelqu’un que vous sentez lié à, cela encourage les démarrer vers le haut en retour. Ce qui est quand une relation réellement commence réellement à étendre. Mais si elle est réellement silencieuse et rarement en détresse, elle pourrait-être émotionnellement tricher avec une autre personne. Exactement pourquoi? Quand elle moins frank avec vous, elle pourrait être réalisée on émotionnel montant par quelqu’un d’autre.
“c’est exactement un signe elle est fermer bas, “states Schweitz. “tandis que pourrait suggérer elle est tricher, infidélité rarement a lieu dans un vide. Si elle fermeture, c’est parce que elle est blessée ou a perdu confiance en vous en tant que quelqu’un ce s’inquiéter de quoi elle a exprimer. Elle peut être marre de obtenir le même conversation encore et encore sans t aucun changement, “elle ajoute. “Elle peut être arrêter sur acquérir jusqu’à vous mais cela ne veut pas dire elle est en fait déloyale. Si elle est en fait ne pas être depuis disponible comme avant, demandez la le raison pourquoi. Informer la vous devriez finir par être là en elle et help la dame à travers quoi que ce soit elle en cours. ”
Quand elle est fait quelque chose elle sait qu’elle should never, c’est probablement elle va se sentir accountable about it. Vous pourriez observer que plutôt que traîner faire défiler Instagram concernant le canapé avec vous, elle place la femme phone in others place. Elle probablement ne veut pas vous exposer vous oublier et trouver leur in act. “ladies peuvent cover text messages, mail échanges et phone calls avec un «bon copain», “états rencontres sur Internet expert Laurel maison. “Il pourrait commencer depuis seulement un ami, mais il peut être progresser en beaucoup plus. ”
Cela pourrait en plus indiquer un changement dans sa propre conduite. Il pourrait être répondre à une chose vous avez fait qui vous a fait|la|femme} question, ou que elle est emportant dehors, peu importe si elle l’est réellement peut-être pas penché plus près de une autre personne.
“Ces symptômes en plus indiquer potentiel changement dans sa sentiments dans union, ” states Geter. “En tant qu’instance, si vous trouverez précédents ou actuels violations de la confidentialité, c’est commun pour un à être plus distant et sécurité de individu objets. La dépendre de et la protection de respect se trouve être modifié bien que est généralement restauré. ”
Alternativement, elle pourrait être protectrice de sa phone pour tout un tas de facteurs ayant rien à voir avec un autre homme de toute façon. Comme Schewitz explique, “elle pourrait être parler avec femme chérie à propos de problèmes dans votre relation et jamais voulez que vous observer ou elle peut-être préparer un choc le deux d’entre vous qu’elle ne veut pas définitivement comprendre. ”
Si vous pourriez être tenté de fouiner (et oui, nous avons tous terminé que avant et l’a regretté après pupille, correct?), think about seulement demander sa quoi elle a en cours.
Elle est en fait toujours en avait tous les mois drink dance club avec elle ladies, et quelques instances par mois ils frappent town, néanmoins maintenant absolument un roman discothèque? Et ils sont utilisant boxe cours, aussi? Elle peut-être besoin beaucoup plus relation temps en femme life, ou elle témoigner un corps tranquillement. L’une des clés here, selon residence, devrait prêter attention à juste quoi elle dit {quand|chaque fois qu’elle {vous voit|vous voit après ces soirées.
“au lieu de venir home et remplir vous in on all les détails et nouvelles elle appris en out en utilisant filles, elle est méfiante et jamais imminent en quoi ils ont ou discuté, “elle states.
Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., croit, gardant à l’esprit que pour tous interactions, moins interaction est un drapeau rouge, surtout si elle était à venir avant. “Devrait-il être un grand changement, c’est vraiment un drapeau aussi. Did she empêcher donner des détails parce qu’elle est comme tu n’as pas besoin ou s’inquiéter de tous, ou a elle end leur même quand vous, donc c’est le plus courant manière dont nous rencontrons personnes », note Martinez. “Quand nous {travaillons|travaillerons|travaillerons|travaillerons|directement avec d’autres, nous pouvons vraiment connaître eux, nous pouvons avoir des difficultés et bond à travers des instances et environnements et fréquence. La régularité avec lesquels nous voyons tous, ainsi que le facile distance s’assurer qu’il est assez facile produire sentiments pour quelqu’un avec qui vous assist. ”
Au cas où vous êtes préoccupé par juste combien beaucoup plus cette femme est travaille par rapport à juste comment elle habituée, ou elle est discute le même nom de l’homme collègue encore et encore, stratégie le sujet très soigneusement. Obtenir vulnérable et discuter comment est déjà été vous conduisant à désagréable est confiant technique utiliser. Non blâme sur la dame, et plutôt , transmet la façon dont vous vous expérimentez.
Si réel miles séparé vous, vous trouverez simplement certains sources vous avez maintenir cela connexion. Devriez-vous commencer à sentir sa dériver plus dehors qu’elle déjà est, vous pourriez se demander si une région fournit atteint sa attention comme alternative. Bien que nous haïssions briser cela vous, les connexions à distance ont tendance à être à tricher que types à l’identique city.
“mais pas toutes les connexions à longue distance aboutissent infidélité, il pourrait y avoir un danger puisqu’un essentiel partie de générer proximité est proximité », claims Geter. “Par proximité, je parle à la fois réel distance et psychologique proximité ou devenir susceptible ensemble avec votre amant. Quand vous êtes pas en fait près de votre partenaire, vous deux oubliez partagé temps ensemble et vous êtes tous les deux apprécier le temps avec d’autres. Partage cette fois-ci avec d’autres personnes peut conduire à non intentionnel intime sentiments pour un copain ou un collègue. ”
Une façon de rendre la relation better est engagement à digne de confiance interaction et répété sorties. “chaque fois que vous utilisez couples à longue distance relations, je les amener à devenir préparer téléphone ou film dates régulièrement, “elle comprend. “ce n’est pas remplace en personne heures même si cela aide faire time for your engagement distraction gratuit comme vous étiez en face à face jour. En plus encourage routine fois voyager à se voir l’un l’autre et traiter chaque voyage comme la vie réelle à la place de vacances. Whenever partenaires adresse semaine -end excursions comme escapade, ils n’ont pas vraiment ressentir la personne autre individu dans leur routine quotidienne. Par conséquent, chaque fois qu’ils commencent à habiter similaire ville, il n’y a pas sentiment de le un autre vit et c’est comme culture shock. ”
Alternativement donc cependant se sentir comme elle est jamais aussi investi comme elle était auparavant, vous devrez vous retenir jusqu’à ce que vous êtes en individu a un cam. Pas simplement va-t-il éradiquer la tentation apprendre entre ceux souvent déroutant bleu iPhone contours, néanmoins vous offre capable de comprendre les façons votre relation ne sera pas gratifiant la fille, et votre compétence à propos.
Le signe le plus clair que elle est veut aboyer vers le haut un autre arbre est si vous apercevez la sur une rencontre sur Internet application. Après tout, si vous êtes dans une relation déjà, ainsi pourquoi vous devriez hook up avec d’autres célibataires? Si vous pas totalement certain que vous regardé la femme scannage, maintenir un apparence sur le thumb activité pour supplémentaire examen.
“Si vous voyez votre amant balayer restant et balayer directement sur sa cellphone screen, peut-être un signe cette femme est regarde une rencontre software », note Schewitz. “vous pouvez trouver pas beaucoup de applications besoin ce marque de mouvement. Si elle brusquement ferme on juste ce que elle était en fait réaliser une fois que vous marchez par ou cache sa téléphone de votre vue, vous pourriez avoir quelque chose à vous déranger. ”
La seule façon de opérer ce away est par chatter. Même si elle peut ne pas être initial initialement, par articulant simplement combien c’est blessé vous, elle peut être beaucoup plus prêt à exprimer la femme insatisfaction dans le engagement . Qui pourrait signifier elle quitte réellement la relation , ou, si vous devriez être heureux, elle supprime l ‘application pour de bon.
Peut-être que c’était un Facebook message vous regardé depuis un vintage un feu qui arrangé l’esprit dans surmultipliée. Cela peut être parce que elle est en fait déjà été prendre loin de avancées qui habituellement obtiennent leur dans sentiment être close à vous. Pourriez-vous faites simplement ne vous sentez pas depuis connecté tandis que vous étiez quand vous commencer rencontres sur Internet.
Connexions passer par beaucoup reflux et mouvements, mais c’est vital que vous contrôler votre paranoïa avant que menace de finir une union qui pourrait vous devriez être en continuant un dur plot. Une façon de adresse votre préoccupations is rappelez-vous que son de doigts, bien que ça sera dur, vous devriez release the hold on la situation spécifique.
“La paranoïa est une difficile sentiment {gér
Mieux que “Je cherche une femme pour l’amour” : rencontres légères
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Reddit
needs no introduction. That is among most-visited sites on line. It has got enourmous amount of customers, many of which check out the website each day talking about everything from modern news to politics, and a bit about cats and strange things in the process.
That is a website that pretty much states “if you have something appropriate, possible place it someplace on the website”. Thus, there aren’t any awards for guessing that there is lots of adult material here too. It isn’t too tricky to obtain often. You just got to choose the best subreddit to browse.
Fortunately obtainable, we a summary of them!
my-gay-sites.com/gay-porn-download-sites.html
Inside the immortal terms of Frank Sinatra âif you possibly can make it here, you are able to it everywhere, GoneWild GoneWildâ¦.”. Really, he mentioned something like that at the least. GoneWild is one of the initial
NSFW subreddits on Reddit
. Truly a location in which amateurish people snap some pretty wild pictures of themselves and upload them. Discover a steady flow of content coming onto GoneWild, both from female and male performers. The best part would be that all of this content material is fully verified because of the subreddit. Which means that you are sure that the folks publishing the images are those with in fact snapped the images.
This sub is just one of the much more âgeneral’
pornography
subs
that you will find on the website. It literally provides some every little thing, in accordance with near to 2-million members, it is possible to wager your own bottom dollar the content will likely be streaming in rather on a regular basis. Indeed, thousands and thousands of posts are put into this sub every day.
A lot of them are decent, others nearly plenty. But the audience is positive you will see one or more blog post that tickles your own nice everyday.
You will find too-much here obtainable not to. Here is the place to go as soon as you learn you wish to
see some nudes
, nevertheless aren’t rather yes which type of unclothed you wish to see.
NSFW Gifs
is in fact NSFW, but in GIF kind. If you truly love your
porn
a couple of moments extended (and with the hotness of these ladies definitely all that you truly need), subsequently NSFW GIFs is amongst the place to head. Although it does not rather have a similar amount of material once the past subreddits, you will find adequate moving during that you most likely will not care. Plus, it is a great way to see some amazing porn video clips, because most regarding the people the spot where the GIFs originate from tend to be linked.
This subreddit is jam-packed into the top withâ¦uhmâ¦real women. Yes. We know all women tend to be real, but bear around. This incredible website is certainly caused by individuals who have didn’t come with cosmetic surgery done (for example. had breast development). However, in addition they scatter a lot of
novice porn
into the combine. Seriously, it really is rather damn difficult to categorize just what
RealGirls
delivers on dining table. It has a small amount of everything on sub. It is someplace you have to be checking out.
Do you love your own females outside, trying to not to ever get caught in decreasing
positions
? Well,
HoldTheMoan
is the ideal
subreddit
available. This sub is actually chock-full of people who are completely topless out-of-doors. This might be in the middle of a forest. It can from trains and buses, it may beâ¦well, you can get the image. Countless specialist porn does are able to creep onto HoldTheMoan, but everything rocks !, thus virtually no difficulties with that!
This sub is for those who love
more compact females with larger boobs
. This is exactly literally one market sub we have discovered about number.
But, let’s not pretend, is wanting at
big tits
actually all that market? A lot of people really do appear to like it.
Discover a good blend of amateur and
expert porn
right here. When you have a popular buxom
pornography celebrity
, then you are likely as discovering her throwing around on BustyPetite. Oh, so you have a ton of pictures, films, and gifs. There’s a steady flow of material coming through, plus the good stuff always floats to reach the top.
Females doused in sperm. Something never to like? Images after picture of it. Some of them have actually a couple of drops of cum on the face.
Some have merely completed a beneficial lotion cake. Some have spunk around their unique back. Actually, there was simply many sperm and females.
Although it does not have the maximum amount of material moving through as some of the additional
subs
, within our viewpoint,
CumSluts
usually has actually amazing content. If you should be fortunate, you might get to take pleasure from one of the most awesome âbefore and after’ pictures. Seriously, nothing is that becomes all of us going quite like an effective jizz slut before she’s already been drizzled on.
This sub is actually wellâ¦as title suggests, filled up with
legal teen content material
. What this means is 18 and 19-year-olds. Nearly all associated with content material you find in this sub will probably be
amateur material
. Thus, fresh ladies ready to break themselves for your globe. Clearly, due to the whole âteen focus’ associated with sub, there is a lot of moderation that takes location here. This means that pictures may not always rise after they being submitted. This keeps everything wonderful and appropriate, therefore implies that precisely the most useful content material begins to appear on the site.
Just remember that , basic subreddit that people mentioned before? The GoneWild one? Well,
PetiteGoneWild
is pretty much the same
subreddit
, just a bit even more market. This is actually loaded to your brim with hot tiny ladies. The majority of the content material you are going to get in this subreddit is strictly amateur. It can be planning have images, unfortunately. However, some of the women have actually provided the strange connect to their movies once in a while, which means you will have many content to relish. Once in a while, you could in fact see a sexy
porno star
go into the mix.
We intend to veer out of the nudity about this subreddit. For the reason that
intercourse
is not a porn sub (sorry about this!), but alternatively truly an intercourse guidance sub. If you’ve been having difficulty within the bedroom, or if you feel like you are able to help other individuals along with their sexual problems, then here is the sub getting on. Not browsing sit, many of the tales that appear listed here are actually fairly hot. We understand that you probably must not be by using this sub for a wank too, but occasionally it’s not possible to help it. A lot of people tend to be really descriptive about their issues.
This subreddit doesn’t get all out in the hardcore nudity. This has a lot more of a softcore advantage but, don’t worry, you will be nevertheless attending see various boobs and pussies throwing in. Thus, what exactly is this sub about? Well,
AdorablePorn
is pretty much adorable females. Most of the pornography appears to include simply sweet women. Perhaps not 100per cent hot women, however learn, the âgirl next-door’ appearance. We believe one of the reasons precisely why people love AdorablePorn plenty is actually right down to the point that a lot of the ladies look obtainable, knowing what we indicate. Porn is often much better whenever a female appears obtainable.
There are no real awards for guessing what
AsiansGoneWild
is about here. But, since we have to tell you about it, AsiansGoneWild is in fact a beginner porn sub that’s filled to the top with
Asian females
. This sub does not appear to be moderated because greatly as many some other subreddits you find regarding the
Reddit NSFW
side of things. Which means a lot of awesome content material creeps throughâ¦.as really as some dreadful content. Its an excellent combination of video clips and images, you have actually a huge amount of awesome stuff to watch. Should you decide stay glued to looking at understanding âhot’ on the subreddit, you will always discover a number of the
greatest searching Asians
on the internet site.
This
Reddit NSFW
subreddit is about wellâ¦.girls finishing the work. Meaning blowjobs. It means
handjobs
. You may even find a few footjobs thrown in for good measure. Basically, if there’s an easy method that a lady make a person jizz, then you are pretty much guaranteed to get a hold of a video clip or two right here of this. This implies the previous few mere seconds before that guy gets to appreciate complete bliss. You will find some recreational porno right here, but a lot of the movies tend to be obtained from the termination of specialist porn videos, so you could find one or two brand new web sites to see while you are here.
You’ve been around the net for a while, right? Great. You then would have heard of
Rule 34
. This stipulates something that could become pornography is starting to become porno. This indicates you that. A lot of this sub is actually loaded on the brim with
topless anime illustrations
. Some of them are quite awful. However, the real excitement happens when folks may be found in and break some awesome photos of those cosplaying some pretty incredible, sensuous figures. While this isn’t a subreddit that you are will be investing lots and many time on, but shortly examining in every single many times will usually offer something that is great.
This subreddit, given that title indicates, is related to nymphos in university. Well, we might state a lot more along university get older. There’s absolutely no genuine proof that females listed below are in fact in school. However, if you want to genuinely believe that these ladies are publishing on Reddit NSFW between their unique studies, then by all means believe. All we really learn is CollegeSluts is actually loaded with the top which includes pretty really hot women. Most of them look rather smart also, which undoubtedly allows us to to obtain additional of a kick out of it.
Since subreddit title recommends, this is actually the spot to head on Reddit NSFW if you like your pornography with some little bit of an amateur twist. All the images and movies listed here are raw images of recreational females. A lot of them are simply just taking all of them and incorporating all of them to your website without the real filtration. You are not going to get better pornography. Although, carry out bear in mind that since this sub comes with an amateur spin to circumstances, some terrible material really does sneak through sometimes. Not everyone usually takes an exceptional picture. However, this really does have a tendency to get blocked completely very quickly, it is therefore maybe not attending concern you.
Hentai is a tremendously, extremely particular version of porno. If you do not just like your women in attracted type, therefore do not like some batshit crazy images sometimes, then the
Hentai sub
is typically not the best place individually. But if you value Hentai, we genuinely can not think of a significantly better location online worthy of some time to scan. There is lots of content material posted here, and because everyone about sub really likes hentai, you’ll bet your own base dollar they’re going to supply some pretty awesome things.
Do not determine if you may have ever before browsed through
PornHub
responses, but they are very awesome. It is a proper cash cow of comedy. Several of it’s intentional, a lot of it maybe not. Very, while you are not likely to be capable of seeing much in the way of nudity on this Reddit NSFW for sub, you can expect to get a better chuckle from how crazy certain prints on PornHub reviews are actually.
The easy idea behind this sub is the fact that the breasts never hunt large when they are covered however when they come out wellâ¦they are larger than you thought. It isn’t a complicated concept. Very, while this is a fairly market sub, you will be really going to find a lot of
awesome breasts
right here. This might be a sub which you really need to end up being subscribed to.
This can be one of the preferred tit-focused subs. With this specific one, you reach see
beautiful ladies
pull their own covers. While they perform, their overly big boobs simply pop out, typically with a bouncy style in their eyes. It is quite mesmerizing, and there are certain amazing gifs to have yourself through. Hours and hours of time should be invested only searching the hot posts.
If you value NSFW pornography, subsequently Reddit is a great place to be. Why don’t you permit someone else do the content material curation individually? You can just sit back, loosen up, and take pleasure in some pretty really fine photos.
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